


Prince Of Los Santos

by Kahnah



Series: Project NEON [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Blood, Drugs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fake AH Crew, Gen, Guns, Gunslinger Girl!AU, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Seizures, Sibling bond, This isn't canon, Violence, a bit on the darker side, and they are back!, lads centric, the lads are 18 now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-09-25 04:58:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9803501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahnah/pseuds/Kahnah
Summary: After the city took everything from him, he returns with his own army to burn it to the groundThis plays 2 years after Novocaine but follows a different timeline - what would have happened if the Fake AH Crew stayed in Los Santos instead of moving to Achievement City?





	1. Recollection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hella_Queer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hella_Queer/gifts).



> It's finally time!!!
> 
> We are back in the Lamp Halo series and as announced this idea came from Riley, so all credit go to them. 
> 
> I am just writing this as their vessel (and have the fucking time of my life, omg)

Prince Of Los Santos

 

Chapter 1

Recollection

 

Gavin was startled awake by a gunshot.

He instantly sat upright, his hand reaching for a gun that wasn’t there anymore. By the time he found his empty belt, he already knew that it had been a dream.

And even though he had heard an endless amount of gunshots in his short life, he knew exactly which one it had been. The one that had ripped a hole in their crew, making it rot from the inside out.

Gasping, he let himself fall back into his seat and rubbed his face, groaning quietly.

Fuck.

Fuck this whole thing, he didn’t want to dream about this anymore.

When he let his hands sink again, he took one last breath before he tried to orientate himself. The lights were dimmed and it was very quiet in the plane they were in. Thank God he hadn’t screamed like in the beginning when the dreams had started, he didn’t want to pull any attention to himself.

Most passengers were asleep anyway and he figured it was nighttime.

Ryan was sleeping in the seat beside him, and if not even his guardian woke up, than he had really gotten better at this.

But Ryan was still here, was safe and alive and whenever Gavin looked at him, he felt a little better.

It was still strange, seeing his guardian like this. The heavy leather jacket was long gone and he missed it with a stupid intensity. Wearing it, he had felt invincible, and the scent always eased something in him.

Maybe that was why Ryan always seemed to look so vulnerable in his normal clothes. He was also sleeping in public, like right now. Not locked away somewhere safe, but right here in this plane where nobody had their back.

Gavin wasn’t sure what to make of this.

After the overbearing protectiveness of his guardian after what had happened back then, it had taken so long to get him to relax like this. It should be a good sign, he figured at least.

But somehow it made Ryan look like a stranger.

Which was stupid, and Gavin quickly shook his head. He was just a bit worn down by the dream, that was all. As if he wanted to apologize for his stupid thoughts, he nestled into his guardian’s side.

Ryan’s arm instinctively wrapped around him but the other didn’t wake up.

Turning around, Gavin looked out of their small window.

There wasn’t much to see, after all it was dark and he couldn’t even make out any lights coming from beneath. They were probably over some ocean and he actually had to remind himself where they were heading.

Somewhere in Europe. Norway if he remembered correctly. It didn’t matter a lot to him, this morning he had been in Asia and the memory of that was already fading.

It was funny that Ryan still insisted that he sat by the window to enjoy the view as if Gavin wasn’t long sick of it.

Yes, back when he had asked Ryan to see the world with him, he had meant it. The world was a big place and so many people said it was wonderful. He had mostly seen the ugly corners, the dark alleyways stinking of piss and old booze.

There was so much more to see, to experience.

He was probably ungrateful, after all Ryan had taken him wherever Gavin wanted, he just had to spin a globe and point to a place and off they were.

But that had never been the plan.

He had wanted to see the world, but he hadn’t wanted the world to be his home. He wanted to visit Asia and Africa and come back home. He wanted Jack to pick them up from the airport because Geoff had forgotten about it.

He wanted to come into the base and have Michael and Ray storm at him, Michael checking if he was in one piece and Ray asking what kinds of gifts he had gotten him.

And of course he would pamper his lads, would get them exotic little nicknacks that would gather dust.

Geoff would order them to get back to work and they would fall into their routine. Only in the evening they would all sit down, drinking and celebrating and telling stories.

Jack and Geoff would go through the pictures they had taken and Ryan would tell them about those places.

But like this? Like this nobody was waiting for them, just another plane taking them to another country. Gavin had enjoyed taking pictures at first, trying to capture the wonders he saw, but there was no one to show them to. Geoff would have scrolled through them and asked him questions, Jack would print them out and make them a photo album.

Gavin would put it in the shelf standing in the living room and over time they would collect more and more.

Now the pictures were on his laptop, at first neatly put in folders he carefully named after the places but at this point he just threw them into a single folder to get more space on his camera. Just to take more useless pictures of places he forgot when he turned his back.

And who was he to tell about their adventures? The only one still by his side was Ryan and he was visiting those places along with him.

He yearned for the times he could walk out of their apartment and catch up with someone else. Michael and Ray. Jack or Geoff.

Just anyone.

Now, whenever they reached the hotel or whatever cottage they stayed in, he would set his laptop up and stare at it. Once his daily instrument, he didn’t know what to do with it besides store memories. The painful, the bittersweet and the pale ones.

All in front of him even though he had no intention of going through them.

Back in Los Santos it was easy to connect to the others like this. Thanks to their PCs or their cellphones they had only been a click away and it would be easy to call. To talk to them, to send a pretty picture he had taken, but the handful of times he had opened the messenger he had programmed just for them, all of their names had been grayed out.

It had hurt too much to look at and so he had stopped at one point.

He figured he was homesick.

But there was no home to return to anymore.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Ryan asked him, just like he asked with each place they visited.

“It is,” Gavin told him, like he always did.

To be honest, Oslo didn’t look any different than other cities. Certainly cleaner and brighter than Los Santos but that wasn’t exactly hard.

Leaning against the window of the cab taking them to wherever they would stay, Gavin sighed. Again the window seat, again Ryan expecting him to take in the world.

He had seen too much already and closed his eyes to drift into a restless sleep.

When he woke up there were large mountains around, their tips white with snow. On the other side the ground slipped into the sea, a steep tumble down. The water was clear and green and Gavin’s breath caught a little. 

Ryan chuckled as he climbed over him to get to the other window, and it was a nice noise. He had missed it, but for now he pressed his face against the glass.

Even from up here he could see the hidden boulders beneath the surface, could see small wooden boats flit across the shallow waves. It was a scene from a fairytale, and when he turned around, Ryan already held the camera out for him.

Grinning, Gavin snatched it from him and shot picture after picture. 

They weren’t any good, not with the cab moving and the glass between them and this other world beneath but he had to at least try and capture this.

Ryan’s arm wrapped around his middle and Gavin let himself fall against his guardian. In silence they looked through the pictures and in that moment Gavin didn’t quite feel like he was floating away. Not like he had lost his only fixed point in his life and was drifting away from everything holding him together.

After all, Ryan was right here.

Ryan was the one who stayed, who had snapped first. During that horrible time, Gavin had barely realized what was happening, too deep in his work to sleep or eat.

And Ryan had told him to come along, so he had. Only when his Guardian had pushed a bag into his arms while hurrying to the airport, had he woken from his exhaustion.

“We’re giving up?” he had asked in the middle of the entrance. So many people hurrying around them, bumping against him but he couldn’t move. Not with Ryan staring down at him, so full of despair himself.

Somehow that made it real, made him realize the whirlwind of the passed days had truly happened and an ache settled in his chest.

“I can’t lose you as well,” Ryan told him. Even with all those strangers around who could listen in, he still said it. Such raw emotion because Ryan had also fought against what was happening, had hoped for a different outcome that didn’t come.

“Please,” he begged now and reached his hand out. There was barely any distance between them in the first place and still strangers squeezed in between them, jostling both of them. “Don’t do this to me. I couldn’t take it.”

And how could Gavin deny him? It was nearly pathetic how quickly he gave up and stepped closer to take Ryan’s hand. But in the end he figured all he was in that moment was a scared little boy who hadn’t slept in days.

He wondered if he had ever been someone else.

“Where are we going?” he asked and leaned his head against Ryan’s shoulder.

“We’ll go wherever you want,” Ryan assured him. “I’ll show you the world.”

He had heard those exact words before. Two years ago, right before the fall of the Project.

Right before the crew had fallen for the first time, only that it had been fake back then.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” Gavin told him. 

“Me too, kiddo.”

 

And so Ryan had kept that promise, had shown him around the world.

Gavin couldn’t hate him for it, he didn’t want to even if everything inside of him wanted to turn back the time and go home.

“I’m so glad you like it here.” Ryan kissed the top of his head and Gavin turned just enough to cuddle into him.

“It’s so pretty.”

“It is. Just wait until you see our cottage.”

Ryan was right, their cottage was beautiful. Nestled up in the mountains but below the snowy forests. It still reminded Gavin of their first Christmas and he could see that Ryan thought the same.

Neither of them said something, just pretended as they got inside. And wasn’t it funny? This thing was bigger than back then even though they were only the two of them.

They even had a big fireplace, what a joke!

There was a huge terrace and from there he could look down into the fjord, could see the greenish blue of the magical water.

The camera felt heavy in his hand but Gavin put it aside for now. Ryan was already checking out the whole thing, making sure it was safe and that he could lock any entrance.

Old habits died hard.

On the other hand Gavin wasn’t one to talk.

Taking his bag, he went up the stairs and checked out the bedrooms. He chose the one with the huge windows showing the water beneath and the sky above. Still, the first thing he did was turn to the desk nestled in front of the windows and pull it away, down into the opposite corner where there were more outlets even though he barely needed any anymore.

He began to set up his laptop without knowing what for.

It was a good one but not the one he had worked on before. In their headless flight he had left it behind at the base.

Thinking about it, he had left a lot of things behind that were irreplaceable. His lamp; God how much you could miss such a small thing.

Booting up the laptop, he stared at his desktop and didn’t know what to do with it.

His fingers wandered over they keyboard without pressing anything and then he made sure the door was really closed before opening his bag again.

All the way down, wrapped in old socks he pulled out his cellphone.

Ryan had insisted that they’d thrown away the ones they used in the crew to assure that nobody would follow them but he couldn’t.

Not this one. This last lifeline between them.

Checking on the display, he found no new messages just like always.

He wondered if that would ever change and then quickly shook his head.

Of course it would! He just had to believe! He and Ryan couldn’t be the only ones out there anymore!

Shoving the phone back inside his bag, he threw himself onto the bed and sighed.

It only took a couple of minutes before Ryan waltzed in, not paying any attention to him as he checked on the room.

Gavin listened absentmindedly as the other opened the wardrobe and jiggled on the windows. He even kneeled down to check under the bed and for a brief moment Gavin figured he could jump at him now. It would most likely end in a playful fight he would lose but it seemed like fun.

But by then Ryan had already stood back up, “We should eat.”

Gavin grunted as an answer and felt the hand brushing through his hair. 

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” he said and then craned his head to look up to Ryan standing behind him. “What do you want?” 

Ryan shrugged but Gavin didn’t let it go. He had heard that question too many times since everything had happened and he was growing sick of it. How was he the one who was supposed to decide something like that when his guardian seemed just as helpless?

When all their traveling just felt like running from something that was long gone?

So he turned onto his belly and caught Ryan’s sleeve. “No, you gotta tell me. What do you want, Ryan?”

Ryan watched him and he looked so tired. It could be the jetlag but Gavin knew that it went so much deeper. They were all dead tired and no amount of sleep would cure it.

He shouldn’t be mad at Ryan because he had also lost but he hadn’t lost his brothers, right?

Maybe his brief anger had showed on his face because Ryan’s expression softened. He let Gavin tug him down until he sat on the other side of the bed.

“I’m fine,” he said even though that hadn’t be the question. But maybe it had been after all. “I’ve got everything I wanted, Gavin. You and me, okay? We’re safe and we can see the whole world.”

“The other-” Gavin began but was shushed down.

“Don’t think about that.” He got up and Gavin let him go. “I’ll see what I can find foodwise.”

Then he was alone again and he rolled onto his back again.

 

Later, after they ate and went into their rooms, Gavin sat leaned against the windows. In the evening light the water looked thick and black, and if he had asked himself before if he could find mermaids in the depth of it, he was sure of it now. They would look beautiful but their mouths would be full of sharp teeth.

It had grown cold and he had his blanket tightly wrapped around himself but with each breath the glass fogged. He didn’t bother wiping it away and just looked up instead.

It seemed to be a different sky, one with so much more stars than back in Los Santos. He saw that more often now because neither he or Ryan liked the city anymore.

Wherever they traveled it was far from… well, anything.

He took quite a while to orientate himself before he found Polaris, cold and bright above.

“The one who shows the way,” Gavin mumbled to himself, trying to recall all those constellations he had learned before. But that had been when he had a telescope.

It was hard to carry something like that around when you were running all the time.

He looked around, nearly desperate to find some familiar names.

Pleiades - it was always easy to find Pleiades and from there, just a bit beneath… yes, the red star!

“Aldebaran,” he whispered. “The Follower.”

And there, nearly swallowed by the horizon, at least for another couple of hours.

“Regulus. The heart of the lion.”

His fingers met the glass as he tried to draw a line between them and he let his hand fall back down. There were a dozen other stars he could name but now it felt wrong.

Leaning his head against the window, he looked into his room and knew it was luxurious in its simplicity.

He didn’t give a fuck about that.

Gavin got up and let the blanket fall from his shoulder. He left it right there as he stepped to his laptop and stared at the dark screen.

In the end he didn’t bother with it and instead reached for his bag. Again he searched for his hidden phone as if something would have changed but when he checked, there was actually a little mail symbol on the display.

It shocked him so much that he froze in the midst of wandering back to the window and for a long, long moment his brain didn't know what to do with that information.

Then a hysterical laugh began to bubble up in his chest. Probably spam! Oh, or his mobile host sending some discount or just checking if this number was even active anymore. That had to be it!

And still he didn’t dare to check on it, his finger hovering over the screen.

What if it wasn’t though?

There was only one way to find out and he touched the little symbol. It grew larger and beneath the spinning envelope stood a lonely name.

_ Michael _

His breath caught in his throat and a sudden panic came over him. Michael had used this number in hope for help, Michael in dire need but Gavin hadn’t noticed. Only now, hours later had he checked and what if it was already too late?

What if Michael figured he reached nobody with this number and had given up?

But as those thoughts were still swirling in his head, Gavin realized that wasn't the case. The little numbers on the bottom of the screen told him that Michael had sent the message a minute ago. While he was staring at that a second message popped up, also from Michael.

How late was it in the US right now?

But that was a stupid question because Gavin didn’t even know where in the US Michael was, fuck, he didn’t even know if Michael was in America at all!

Taking another breath, he tapped on the first message.

 

_ > We have to go back _

 

No introduction, no name. 

Not even a cheerful  _ boi! _ or a smiley. Michael was serious.

Gavin switched to the second message while the phone vibrated in his hand as new ones came rushing in. He didn’t care though, he didn’t even notice.

 

_ > Ray is dead _

  
  


By the time Michael left his room, it was the early afternoon, but he didn’t really care. His sleeping pattern was a mess and he also didn’t bother with getting out of his pyjamas as he shuffled into the kitchen.

Jack wasn’t there and Michael relaxed.

They had fought yesterday, again he might add.

Their fights were short and violent little outbursts even though Michael was pretty sure that was only his side. Jack barely raised his voice and that made him even more furious. 

Somehow it made him feel bad before he could even reach his room to throw the door shut and even now he felt like shit. Even more so when he saw the plate filled with pancakes in his usual spot.

Jack had covered them but of course they were already cold by now.

What a shame, and with a grunt Michael sat down in front of the plate.

It was Jack’s way of apologizing even though Michael wasn’t sure if the other had to.

It was just frustrating, okay? This new life, how Jack called it.

Sitting around, doing shit all was the more fitting description but all in all that was his fault.

Jack had tried to get him to do things, wanted to make him join different activities, and Michael had tried. He really had because out here in a suburban little home with a fucking  _ garden _ , he felt like a fish out of water.

So he had followed Jack along to some strange sport clubs to try out. Kickboxing of all things, fuck, even shooting!

It had been a joke, both of those things, because he had far surpassed those kids with their toy guns who giggled over each loud bang, while he still felt sick whenever he heard the sound now. Maybe it was too soon, Jack had said when he noticed him freeze and look around like he was trying to secure someone.

And sure, he got his ass handed to him in kickboxing but only because apparently he wasn’t playing by the rules. What a damn joke! As if anyone in a real fight would make sure not to hit beneath the belt - that’s where the good stuff was!

In the end he and Jack hadn’t talked about those clubs anymore because it was just laughable.

Then came the idea of him going to school.

“We should try living a normal life,” Jack had offered. “It surely wouldn’t hurt you to try.”

So Michael had tried and truth be told he was impressed when he made it two weeks without getting expelled.

He didn’t mind that the others were looking at him the wrong way or some even made stupid comments. What really drove him over the edge was how shallow minded the bunch was.

The endless talk about the clothes of other people, about who fucked who and what movie star was hot.

It was as if there weren’t any humans out there who died, no families that were ripped apart. Or even worse, these kids were aware that there was - but Sarah’s new jeans were so much more important.

In the end he broke one arm and one nose before getting expelled. Totally worth it though.

Sure, Jack wasn’t too fond of that but not really surprised.

Truth be told, Michael just wanted to go back.

He wasn’t one to run away and in his eyes they had. Maybe they had left behind a burning building and a crew that wasn’t even really there anymore but that didn’t matter.

Jack had dragged him out of that city that had nearly swallowed them whole while Michael was still too angry to truly grasp the situation.

Even if they had been the last to flee - in his mind they should have stayed and fought.

But what difference would that have made? There was nobody left to fight for.

Gavin and Ryan had just vanished one day, without a damn word.

Michael had probably barely missed them because he had noticed the empty office, the screen still on even though the next time he passed, it had shut itself down. At first he had been sure that Gavin had used the bathroom but he wasn’t there when Michael checked. He also hadn’t laid down to take a much needed nap but Michael also hadn’t believed so.

He called his phone but it was also shut off and that was when he began to panic. Because Gavin’s phone was never off, he was always available most of all to him.

After all they only had each other and even though after everything happened, they didn’t even had the time to talk about it, to fully work through that - they were very aware of that little fact.

Only that this time Gavin never called back no matter how often Michael tried to call. The same with Ryan, and he knew that they had run away.

Turned their backs on them and fled.

Michael was pretty sure Jack started to prepare their very same escape on that very same day.

And of course Michael had followed him, even if it was kicking and screaming. Even if after all this time they were still fighting about it.

They should go back. There had to be allies left, right? They had so many connections and dealers, they couldn’t just all abandon them!

That was wishful thinking at best, he knew that but there had to be something.

The phone that Gavin had given him, only days before disappearing laid unused in his room. He could call, could check if they were alright, but he didn’t. Too hurt because they both had just been gone, had left him behind without so much as a goodbye after everything they’ve been through.

Why would he be the one who had to make the first step?

With a huff, he realized he had glared daggers at his pancakes and finally took the plate to throw them away.

Dragging himself into the living room, he crashed onto the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Once again he had worked himself up over this shit as if thinking about it over and over again would change a thing, like there would be a different outcome.

In the end all that happened was that he got angry and upset.

Oh, and worried of course. Always worried after all they had been his family and now they were just gone.

He thought back to the phone he kept stashed away and checked on every once in a while, debating if he should call the numbers registered in it. But he feared nobody would pick up.

Either because they were dead or didn’t want to.

That last thought made him shiver because it would bring up so many questions. What if the others didn’t want him around? What if he hadn’t looked out for them enough? After all that was what had happened right?

They had all just disappeared right before his eyes.

The front door opened and stopped his train of thought. Good, because he wasn’t in the mood for it, even though now he remembered about fighting with Jack yesterday.

It wouldn’t be bad, he knew that because making up with Jack was never hard but he still felt like shit about it.

So he got back up and fidgeted around a little as he waited for the heavy steps.

“Michael?” Jack called from the hallway. “Are you already awake?”

Instead of answering, he moved towards Jack and hesitated then. He could smell the takeout from here and already knew it was his favorite.

“Hey Dad,” he mumbled and tried to smile. It grew honest just as quick because Jack looked up, still so surprised whenever he used that little sacred word.

They both knew it was his form of apologizing and Jack quickly put his boxes down to come closer. He pressed a kiss against Michael’s cheek, no need to bend down anymore, and pulled him close.

“Hey Michael.”

“Sorry about yesterday,” Michael mumbled. He had his eyes closed and nuzzled against Jack’s shoulder, something that would always calm him down.

“It’s okay. It’s a hard time for all of us.”

That still didn’t mean that Michael had any right to snap whenever there was an opportunity to do so; after all Jack had lost just as much as he had. Still, he just decided to take in as much of this warmth as he could because for now it was his only source.

“Come on, I got you your favorite food.”

And with this everything was forgotten just like it always would be. Michael still felt guilty about it, he nearly craved for Jack to explode in his face, to scream at him.

He felt childish if he was the only one doing it.

But here they sat now, on the couch instead of the kitchen table because it gave them an excuse to sit cuddled together as they watched mindless TV. It would be nice if days weren’t always like that.

Watching TV and playing games, just to mask that they were lonely and without direction.

Michael figured they had both followed someone, if it was the lads or Geoff. It felt strange and scary living without them.

When they finished, Michael cleared the table and when he came back into the room, he knew the question he was dreading was coming.

“What do you want to do today?”

And as always, “I don’t know.”

“We can do whatever.”

“I know, Jack.” He sat back down and felt how Jack wrapped his arm around him.

“You know you just have to tell me, right, pumpkin?”

He nodded and felt a little relieved. For today that conversation was done and he could take a breath until tomorrow.

They sat together for a while longer until Michael moved to the TV in his room to play Xbox; Jack wanted to watch some stupid movie so he left him to it. He had just entered his room and bend down to gather his controller when he hesitated.

Later he would probably say he heard the soft ringing but that would be a lie. He hesitated a couple seconds before the ringing started even though he didn’t know why at that time.

Though now he turn to his bedside table from where the noise came and felt a bottomless pit. Oh, but not only that. There was also a childish joy because he hadn’t been the first to give in! No, they had turned back to him to ask for help!

Just like in the good old days.

When everything had been how it’s supposed to be.

Now he marched towards the bed and opened the drawer. Inside the phone was ringing, the screen flashing bright with a number that Michael didn’t recognize.

There had only been two numbers registered in the phone and seeing that it was neither made him hesitate.

Could just be that one of them had changed their number.

Really, there was just one way to find out.

He picked up the phone and held it to his ear. For a moment there was just complete silence but somehow he knew that they were both just holding their breath. It was instinct, more or less.

A twin’s bond - who had called it that before?

He couldn't remember and so he just stood there, listening. On the other hand someone swallowed and that was enough for him.

“Ray,” he said softly and gripped the phone tighter.

He didn’t know what to feel because fuck, he had missed him. How could he not? Ray was his little brother and he had just slipped through the cracks to disappear. Michael had turned around and he was gone, out of his reach.

Until now.

That thought, that pressure made him nearly choke up because he couldn’t screw this up but he didn’t know what to say!

It was Ray who pulled himself together first and Michael figured he had some more time to prepare, had a reason to call while Michael was kinda up in the air here.

“I found them.”

It was such a simple sentence but it made Michael freeze. Not because of the words, not because of the meaning but because he hadn’t heard Ray’s voice for so, so very long. But it couldn’t be that he didn’t recognize him anymore, right? It hadn’t been that long, after all he had grown up with this boy!

Still, that sentence was spoken fast, pushed out like Ray had prepared himself for a long time without success. The voice was too controlled, too detached.

It hurt Michael’s heart.

“I think I did. It should be them,” Ray went on in quick, hushed words. Then a brief hesitation, a sign of uncertainty, “I need your guys help. Both of yours.”

Like he didn’t expect them to, like they would just turn his back on him.

“Always.”

“You know that’s a meaningless wor-”

“Always,” Michael interrupted him, and Ray fell silent.

They were back to silence now and Michael was wracking his brain trying to think of something. He knew that Ray would hang up in a few seconds, that back in Los Santos he had shied away from any awkward social interaction. Never of him though, no, he had clung to Michael like his life depended on him.

Only that this wasn’t his Ray, right? Things had happened and they had both changed as the world moved on.

He didn’t want that and so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, “How are you? Are you doing ok-”

The line went dead and Michael trailed off. He stood in his room, the phone still clutched tightly and tried to catch his breath. Anxiety was crawling up his throat, rooted by a deep, deep sadness.

Ray had just hung up on him, had choked him off just like that and before, when everything had been aright, he would have never done that.

But Ray had been gone too long, the distance and time making everything between them sour and awkward and it felt like something was crushing his chest.

This hadn’t been Ray, he had to remind himself of that. Michael wasn’t stupid, he had followed the news even after running from Los Santos. Yes, Jack hadn’t want him to but Jack didn’t need to know. That was something that Michael had to know because what if it would come out that it was all just big, badly planned hoax?

Instead he heard the same thing over and over again. The fall of their crew, the Ramsey empire burning up and no phoenix was rising from the ashes.

And Ramsey’s ghost? Oh, he had disappeared just like everyone else, had died in the rubble and flames of collapsed dreams and one too many close calls.

What was left was a shadow, rumoured to roam the streets, hiding in dark alleyways and taking whatever they wanted. Not staying in a place long enough to be caught or even seen. Harder to get a grasp on than light or thin smoke.

And how long had it took those reporters to finally give that phenomenon a name? A couple of weeks, if Michael remembered correctly.

Poltergeist.

A restless spirit, full of anger and violence roaming around the city, trying to get his revenge.

It was fitting in the worst kind of way and still Michael hadn’t dared to believe it. After all the rumors were too cruel, too reckless.

They had rules, goddamn it! Geoff had lead them in the right direction, had always kept them in their boundaries, but this Poltergeist didn’t have any.

Michael let the phone finally sink and stared at the dark display. That voice… it had been too hard to recognize for it to be Ray even though he knew that thought was stupid.

But yes, he could imagine it would come from that shapeless form terrorizing Los Santos now. The one who took children hostage if it meant to get the information he craved. The one who left them behind broken and mangled when he got what he wanted.

Sitting down on his bed, Michael buried his face in his free hands.

Never kids - that had been the golden rule. Never kids and if possible, never any civilian casualties. And they had all played by those rules, had respected them because they respected Geoff.

Fuck, they had grown up by that!

He and Ray and Gavin, always reminded not to overstep that and even though they had been taught to hurt and be hurt so young, they had listened!

Why was it different now?

How could Ray overstep those rules just like that?

He didn’t know, couldn't explain it and maybe he should call back, maybe those would be the questions Ray had wanted to hear on the phone. Judgment instead of acceptance, but Michael didn’t dare.

He felt choked up, his throat tight, and he didn’t know how his voice would sound. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t dare to push Ray away any further.

What if his brother would turn his back on him once more? He wouldn’t be able to take it.

Ray, or what was left of him, had remembered him and had reached out. Tentatively, like an animal backed into a corner, and so Michael would help.

He always would, no matter how much Ray despised that word. Michael still believed in it.

Rubbing his face, he lifted his phone because he couldn’t help alone. No, Ray had asked for both of them and he knew Gavin wouldn’t hesitate either. At least he was pretty sure, after all he had also lost him somewhere along the way.

And even though he now had a reason to call, he couldn’t. He feared his voice would give him away, his anger and hurt and his accusing. Gavin would pick up on it immediately if he hadn’t lost his old sharpness.

Michael doubted he would.

Also writing was so much easier.

 

_ > We have to go  back _

  
Gavin would understand that, Gavin would know where ‘back’ meant. The knowledge was curling in his stomach, a mixture of anticipation and fear.

 

_ > Ray is dead _

 

_ > The rumors are true. He’s the  Poltergeist _

 

If Gavin had followed the news, he would know that though. Michael had no illusion that Gavin was keeping tabs on it. But he had to make sure, he wouldn’t push Gavin to a decision. Not that he thought that Gavin would turn his back on them but who was he to know? Apparently he hadn’t known his brothers as well as he thought.

 

_ > He asked for our  help _

 

_ > He said he’s found them _

 

He was typing  _‘ Are you coming’ _ but hesitated, didn’t want to pressure him. It wasn’t needed, because the answer came barely a second later.

 

Gavin:

_ > Where are you? I’ll organize everything _

 

A strange thrill went through Michael and he couldn't help but smile. Gavin. He was talking to  _Gavin_ as well, he had talked to  _Ray_ and somehow that settled something in him. They were still alive, they still knew him.

He sent Gavin his address and this time he had to wait a little longer.

That could be because of a lot of reasons but he knew that Gavin was hesitating, was unsure. He knew it just how he had known the unknown number would be Ray.

 

Gavin:

_ > A suburban little home? With a little garden and a homely picket fence out there? Really, boi? _

 

The word alone made him snort and with shaking fingers he couldn’t help himself.

 

_ > Fuck off _

 

Gavin:

_ > BD _


	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I missed you,” Michael finally mumbled and Ray could feel himself blush.
> 
> “Missed you too,” he whispered, barely audible as if he was embarrassed by it. He didn’t know if he was.

Chapter 2

Reunion

 

Gavin stepped out from the cab and threw his backpack over his shoulder. It wasn’t really heavy, he had just packed some of the more important things. Also, Ryan would be fucking suspicious if he waltzed out of their cabin with his fucking luggage.

Not that Ryan hadn’t been freaking suspicious when he had told him he would go for a stroll because that really wasn't his thing.

Ryan had laughed at him before realizing he was serious and Gavin felt like it had taken years from his life to assure his guardian that yes, he just wanted to look around for a bit and no, Ryan did not have to come along and of course he would make sure that he wasn’t going to get ripped apart by wolves.

The moment Gavin had been out of sight, he had hurled his phone out into the woods. Well, it had hit the first tree possible but then got lost in the underwood so it totally counted.

At least Ryan wouldn’t be able to locate him as easily then.

He wasn’t cruel enough to not leave a message behind, even if that one told Ryan that he was heading for Michael.

Hopefully by the time Ryan found Jack they had dealt with whatever was going down in Los Santos.

And now he was here, on the other side of the planet, and for a moment he just stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the huge buildings made out of glass and steel, ugly in their simplicity.

Flashing billboards that colorfully praised God and flesh and drugs. All the things to ease the weight of living.

Around him it smelled like tarmac and fumes and piss and the sun was beating down on him. After the clear air and the coldness in the mountains it was nearly a shock, but he welcomed it.

Somehow, he had missed it.

He moved because standing still was dangerous and he didn’t have a weapon yet. It was in a safe deposit box at the bank and he headed towards it now. That was the first thing to do, in this city it was foolish to walk without one.

Still, first he made a quick detour to one of the thousand dingy food places. Not that he was all that hungry, he had taken a flight in first class, thank you, he wasn’t a peasant.

The ice cream began melting before he took more than a dozen steps and it tasted watered down. It was nothing against the ice cream in Italy, God, that was delicious.

But this reminded him of his childhood, of roaming the streets feeling like kings. Ray tugging him along whenever food was in sight and Michael a safe presence at their backs.

It didn’t matter how the ice cream tasted or made their stomach all funny because it was theirs and they had bought it.

Now there wasn’t Michael watching his back but a stranger, so obviously following him along. At least he certainly wasn’t someone dangerous because he really wasn’t good at what he did.

The man was most likely going for his backpack, maybe to grab the whole thing or to pickpocket him.

Had he been gone for that long that nobody recognized him anymore? He was actually a bit pissed off about it and subconsciously reached for the tattoo on his upper arm.

But showing who he was would be a stupid move, at least for now.

So Gavin steered a bit to the right, towards the park. At least towards a place with more people so he could shake that guy off.

He just didn’t expect the guy to just start running at him like a damn amateur. His steps pounded loud on the sidewalk, alerting everyone with ears of his presence. Gavin turned around and let his ice cream fall as he took in the situation with a glance.

If he stepped to the side and pushed his leg out, he would tri-

A gunshot rang from behind him and the stranger crumpled to the ground, a hole right between his eyes.

The few people around started to scream and run away but Gavin slowly turned around. There was a nervous anticipation in his stomach because he recognized a good shot if he saw one.

There was a figure on the low roof of one of the buildings around, hard to see against the harsh sunlight, but they were clearly pointing towards the ladder leading up to them.

Moving into the small alleyway, Gavin reached for it and began to climb up.

“You’re still a trouble magnet,” Ray called from above, and Gavin tried to smile. It fell short because now he understood what Michael meant, that this voice didn’t fit.

While Ray would normally sound amused by such a situation, he sounded flat, maybe even accusing.

“It’s my charm,” Gavin answered and grasped the hand that was offered him. He was pulled up on the roof but once he stood safely on his feet, Ray let him go.

They watched each other and Gavin felt all strange. He had expected something like that, after all they hadn’t seen each other for eight months, but there was more to it.

Ray was more tan, even more so than him, but there were pale scratches on his face and neck. His hair was longer, nearly unkempt and he had stuffed it into a beanie no matter the temperature. Of course he hid himself in his hoodie but the bright purple color was gone and it looked well worn from age.

Most of all it was his eyes that seemed so dark and far away. They made Gavin want to reach out but he didn’t quite dare.

He thought about what to say but then hesitated because Ray seemed to fight the same way with his words.

At least until he blurted out, “What the fuck?”

And there was Ray, his eyes widening in bewilderment and a disbelieving smile on his face. “Did you look in a mirror recently?”

Taken aback, Gavin looked down at himself. “Excuse me?”

Ray stepped closer, the distance from before gone as he reached for his hair. “Is that your real hair color?”

“Yeah?”

“I can barely remember, you always dyed it!” Ray frowned. “But as a child you were so blonde!”

“I guess it darkened over time.”

“It’s brown, dude! Holy shit, it looks so dorky when you don’t style it!” He lifted Gavin’s hair as if to make sure it wasn’t a wig of some kind, and Gavin, a little self-conscious, also reached up to touch it. But Ray seemed so fascinated by it that he couldn’t be mad, instead he snorted.

Ray stared at him at the noise but he didn’t get mad. A grin broke out on his face as he let go in favor to tug on Gavin’s hoodie. “Also what is this? Where is the button down and the skinny jeans? You are wearing fucking shorts out in public!”

“Hey, you know how many hours I was traveling to get here? This was more comfortable!”

“You had a phase where you would have rather died then be seen like that!”

Well, Ray wasn’t necessarily wrong with that and so he just shrugged. It made Ray laugh, and it sounded rusty but Gavin instantly recognized it.

God, he had missed this.

Before he could think about it, he stepped forward and pulled his brother into a hug. Ray’s laughter trailed off and he went tense in the embrace but Gavin just held on tighter, rubbing his face against the bony shoulder.

“I missed you,” he whispered, but that wasn’t all of it. Missing someone didn’t go that deep, missing someone shouldn’t leave such a hole inside of him.

They were a package deal, they belonged together - who dared to try and tear them apart?

They were brothers after all!

Now Ray’s arms slowly moved, his hands clawing into Gavin’s hoodie in a desperate attempt to pull him closer.

“Gavvy,” Ray mumbled before burying his face into his neck, taking deep breaths like he had missed his scent.

There was a shiver working down his spine and then he relaxed, sinking into the embrace as if all his muscles had given out.

Gavin held him tight so that they wouldn’t hit the floor but it was alright, Ray was rather light. And now as he rubbed up and down the other’s spine, he could tell that there was barely anything left but skin and bones. 

Ray truly did swim in that hoodie, even more so than before and it worried him. True, Ray had never gained an ounce of weight no matter the junk food he would stuff his face with, but not to this degree.

At least he was alive, Gavin thought. At least he was alive and had asked for their help and whatever would come next, they would face it together.

 

“So how dead would you say you are for running off like that?“ Ray asked nearly casually as they stood in an old, rusty elevator in some random apartment complex. It smelled like piss in here.

“On a scale of one to ten?”

“Yeah.”

“Around twenty,” Gavin told him. “Twenty-four to be exact.”

Ray gave a thoughtful hum as the doors opened and they stepped out into a dimly lit hallway. It also smelled like piss in here. Like piss and worse things.

“But everything over twenty is good in my books.”

“How so?”

“You see, one to ten would have Ryan silently judging me, I hate that. Ten to twenty is him screaming at me and that’s not really better. I don’t like it when people scream at me and when it’s Ryan it’s the worst. He can get really mean.”

Ray nodded in sympathy and Gavin continued, “Everything over thirty means a slow and painful death. Not looking forward to that.”

“So twenty to thirty is..?”

“Twenty to thirty is a quick death.” Gavin shrugged. “I probably won’t even see him before I bite the dust. He’ll come from behind and break my neck in one simple movement.”

“Seems like the best option for you.”

“It kinda is.”

Chuckling, Ray stopped in front of a door and unlocked it before walking inside.

Gavin instead froze on the threshold.

The place was dark and shabby. A wall of stale air greeted him and when Ray finally switched on the lights, he could see that every window was shut and some even barricaded.

They were in a short, narrow hallway that was filled with bags of rubbish. That most of anything surprised Gavin because Ray had always been rather organized. His room had always been clean, the games neatly stacked and nothing more than the clothes from the day before on the floor, if at all.

If he was honest, he had always been the messiest out of the three, much to Ryan’s annoyance.

“When does Michael’s plane land?” Ray asked, not noticing Gavin’s hesitation as he moved into the next room. Nervously, he followed along.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Early?”

“Very.”

Ray grimaced. “Maybe we should just write him the address.”

“You’re lazy,” Gavin mumbled. The next room wasn’t as bad. It was way bigger and tidier with a strange sweet smell in it. A TV with a gaming console was tucked into one corner, a beanbag chair in front of it and scattered bags of chips.

That was more familiar and made Gavin smile. He relaxed and stepped in fully even if it was still dimly lit because the blinds were all drawn. In the other corner stood Ray’s bed, unmade but clean and there, next to the closed window-

“My computer!” Gavin called out and brushed past Ray to hug the screen. “Oh, I missed you so! My laptop is just not the same! I remember your graphics and your RAM! The beautiful tims we always had!”

“You guys need a moment, or..?” Ray interrupted him, but when Gavin turned towards him, he was smiling.

“Did you go back and get it from the base?”

“Why spend money when you already have the equipment you need?” He pulled the chair out and Gavin let himself fall into it with a sigh. “I was just in time before the whole thing got ransacked.”

“I bet they took a lot.”

“They took the base apart like a bunch of wild animals,” Ray said thoughtfully. He was quiet for a moment, clearly thinking about something and Gavin realized that right now they were closer to talking about what happened than ever before.

“You didn’t…” Ray began before frowning. “Everything was still on there. It took me weeks to get into the hard drives but still…”

“I didn’t have the time to delete anything,” Gavin said slowly. That had been something he had been worried sick about before. That some stranger, some other crew would just take everything he had gathered for so long. But on that fateful day Ryan had asked him to come along and he hadn’t known that it would be the last time in that room.

“I figured.”

They fell into an awkward silence and Gavin wondered if the accusations would come now. Not that Ray had any right to blame him for fleeing – after all he had left first. Still, he feared the other would say something mean because Ray leaving first hadn’t give him a reason to run away as well.

“Everything I found is on there,” Ray finally said and Gavin relaxed. This was something that would still come up at some point but for now they still ignored it. “Please take a look at it.”

“You know I could have gotten you all of this in a fraction of the time it took you.”

“I know.”

Gavin nodded. He had just wanted to remind Ray that he would he helped if the other had asked. But he also understood that this was a private matter.

Booting up the computer, he looked around.

“How long have you been living here?”

Ray shrugged. “Not sure. I try to move around a lot so I have a few apartments like this around town. But nothing ever happens here so I mostly stay here.”

“Can we open a window or something?”

“If you want to get hit by a sniper.”

“I thought nothing happens here?”

“I’m hot stuff now, Gavin.” Ray threw him a sly smirk before sitting down on the bed. “I am sure you’ve heard that there’s a bounty on my head. I’m wanted by nearly everyone in this god forsaken city but hey, after the shit with the project I am kinda used to it.”

“Poltergeist,” Gavin mumbled.

“It’s fitting, don’t you think?”

“I heard a lot of rumors,” he said slowly. “Are they true?”

Now something defensive crossed Ray’s face and he turned away. Gavin was nearly glad for that, that was another topic he would like to avoid. He watched Ray fidget around a little but before he could think of something to say, his eyes landed on the bedside table behind Ray.

Gavin stood at once and crossed the room in three strides before he stopped in front of the table. He reached out but didn’t quite dare to touch the lamp as if it would disappear.

“Oh my God,” he whispered and searched for the bed to sit down. “I was sure it would be gone…”

It was his lamp, the lamp Ryan had gotten him and a strange twist of emotion burned up his throat. He had been sure that someone had thrown the thing out, had destroyed it, but here it stood, next to Ray’s bed.

And now that he was really paying attention he could also see Mogar peeking from in between the sheets. He pulled the teddy out from its prison but when he buried his face in the soft fur it didn’t smell like Michael anymore. No, of course not. Michael didn’t recognize the teddy but Ray had.

It smelled like him now, and Gavin couldn’t help but imagine Ray in this bed. All alone with no one to call and everyone after his blood, living in this hole to hide away as he curled around Mogar and watched the stars.

So endlessly lonely because that was all that remained.

How could Gavin ever think he had been lonely before when he still had Ryan? His lovely Ryan who had just wanted him to be safe.

Gavin felt like choking up but when he looked at the other, Ray had turned away. He was probably embarrassed by this show of weakness, but at least he hadn’t hid it.

Scooting closer, he could hear a lighter snapping open and frowned. Sure enough Ray was lighting a joint and it wasn’t really a secret, he had done that before. Fuck, Gavin had also tried it before but he didn’t like it.

Leaning his head against Ray’s shoulder, he squeezed Mogar against his chest. “I hate it when you do that.”

Ray shrugged and now Gavin recognized the smell that hung in the whole apartment.

“It’s just weed.”

“Still.”

Ray turned his head to blow the smoke into his face and Gavin started to cough. “Stop that!”

“We’re all grown up now, Gavvy,” Ray told him. “It’s hardly the worst any of us has done.”

“It’s not good for you.”

“Helps against seizures and keeps your head clear.”

Gavin threw him a glance, “Does it really?”

“Better than any medicine. Also tastes better.” He offered him the joint but Gavin shook his head slightly.

“Did you… did you have any after..?”

“Sure. You?”

“Just one,” Gavin admitted quietly. That had been once it had hit that he had run away, that he had left everything behind with no way to go back.

“Did Ryan notice?”

“Hard not to.”

“What did he say?”

“You know we don’t talk about things like that.”

“Lucky you,” Ray mumbled and took another drag. “Sometimes I wished  _he_ would have let it go as well. If he would have just given me a fucking break for once.”

Gavin bit on his bottom lip, knowing they were brushing against topics they still had to talk about but he wasn’t quite ready yet. Squeezing Mogar tighter, he barely noticed when Ray turned his head to him and pressed his lips against his. 

Smoke filled his mouth before he could fight to get away but Ray’s free hand grasped his jaw and kept him in place. He still tried to struggle free, allowed the smoke to escape in thin columns, but he didn't quite dare to truly fight. It didn’t seem to matter because Ray was just lazily watching him and didn’t let go of him until he pushed him back.

Coughing, Gavin turned away and felt a hand pat his back to help along.

“I said no,” he wheezed out.

“When did that ever matter?” Ray asked and Gavin glared at him.

“Stop being a knobhead!” he hissed. “I came back to help you and it really doesn't help when you cloud my mind, asshole!”

Ray nodded slowly and turned back round. He watched his joint burn before letting it just fall onto the floor to stomp it out with the heel of his sneakers. For a while he stared down before he let a long breath out.

Gavin could see him slump down, holding his head with both of his hands as he groaned. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just-”

And he fell apart in front of him, the nearly cruel gaze from before gone as something heart wrenchingly vulnerable came over Ray.

“It’s fine, Ray.”

“I’m finally so close! After all this time!”

Gavin laid a hand on the others shoulder and felt it tremble. Scooting closer, he wrapped his arms around his middle. Again he realized that Ray was barely more than skin and bone, worn down from too many days alone.

“We’ll find them,” Gavin mumbled as he nuzzled his face into Ray’s neck. “I promise. We’ll find the ones who killed Geoff.”

 

Ray woke to a door being opened quietly and waited patiently for the words that would greet him most mornings.

_ “Rise and shine, Rayray!” _

Annoyingly happy and disgustingly cheerful.

But now those words he had claimed hated so much didn’t come and he opened his eyes slightly. There was little light, coming from the stars slowly moving across the room.

This wasn’t his room. 

Gavin’s?

That would explain why Gavin was laying next to him, deep asleep but somehow looking so different. More like a child than before without his blond hair that was for some reason styled like a birds nest.

How strange.

When the memories rushed back, it left him with a hollow feeling that just wouldn’t past. It made him heavy and slow in most things.

But oh, for those blessed seconds after waking up it was worth-

A step in this room and maybe he felt lethargic, his instincts still kicked in. His hand dove underneath his pillow for his gun and he sat up and aimed.

His wrist was caught and twisted so that the muzzle aimed past Michael’s face.

“Not your best performance,” Michael said. “I could never sneak up to you before unless you were somewhere secure. At least not this close.”

Ray blinked up at him before groaning. Michael let him go and he fell back onto the bed to rub his eyes.

“How late is it?”

“Just after five am. Truth be told I didn’t expect any of you guys to get me but I am still pissed.” Turning away, Michael shrugged off his jacket and after looking around for awhile, he just threw it to the ground. “This place was hard to find.”

“Why didn’t you use the navigation app on your phone?”

“That thing is confusion, okay?” Michael claimed, and Ray chuckled. Putting the gun onto the bedside table, he found Michael watching both of them.

Ray also turned around, not surprised that Gavin was still soundly asleep.

“I thought you two had forgotten about me,” Michael said quietly. “That you didn’t need me anymore.”

“Don’t be stupid. Gavin said he put on an alarm but I heard nothing. We wanted to get you.”

Michael nodded before taking a deep breath. His clouded expression was quickly replaced by a smile and in the next second he jumped in between them.

Now Gavin woke with a squawk which was hardly a surprise, considering that he promptly fell out of the bed with a loud _ thunk. _

“Don’t break him,” Ray said, amused. “We still need him.”

“Fine.” Michael grasped the collar of the boy and heaved him back into the bed where Gavin blinked owlishly up to him.

“Michael?”

“The one and only.”

A dopey smile stretched across Gavin’s face. “You’re here.”

“Guess I am.”

Yawning, Gavin rubbed his eyes before climbing back underneath the blanket. Without any hesitation he huddled into Michael’s side. Ray watched with something like jealousy because he would never dare something like that.

Now that he was more awake, he felt awkward by Michael’s sudden appearance; after all it had been so long. And a few days ago when he had first called Michael? It took him nearly an hour to work up the courage and he couldn’t even recall how often his finger had hovered over the call button before he chickened out.

What if Michael wouldn’t answer or didn’t even have the phone anymore? How would Ray be sure that Gavin had passed it on?

Or even worse, what if Michael did answer but didn’t want anything to do with him? Time had passed and things had changed and he could understand that Michael might be angry with him. Fuck, they were all angry with each other!

So what if he would answer just to laugh him in the face by the mere thought of helping him after everything that happened?

It was Michael, he had told himself. It was Michael and Michael was his big brother, always had been.

And the sad truth was he needed them. At first he had tried to pretend it wasn’t like that but he was losing too much time. Fuck, Gavin could have done his entire work in less than a month!

He needed them to get this done, he needed a team he could trust blindly, no matter if he liked that or not.

Now that Michael was beside him, Ray scooted away so that they didn’t touch. It was hard in a bed that surely wasn’t build for three people and he nearly ended up on the floor but he suddenly felt unsure of himself.

But there was Gavin, who snuggled into Michael. Head on his chest and his legs trying to wrap around the other pair.

Sure, Gavin had always looked for any affection he could get his hands on and Ray held back more, but not around Michael. No, he shouldn’t feel nervous around Michael!

After all, Michael willingly wrapped his arm around Gavin’s shoulder now and had such a soft smile on his face that Ray wanted to scream. Instead he froze when Michael turned towards him, not knowing what to do or say.

When Michael’s free hand brushed against his cheek where he knew one of fresher cuts was, he shivered. It felt weird being touched, it felt weird every time Gavin hugged him, and he had been so holed up in here that it had become a foreign feeling.

So he pulled back, somehow wanted to escape, but they were locked in this apartment for now. Before he hadn’t minded that, had only gone out for a hit or to gather more information – and he surely hadn’t met anyone during those missions who would give him a hug and not a stab in the back.

Now with the other two here, he felt strangely detached.

Michael let go of him and also pulled the blanket over himself.

“You okay?” he asked softly because Gavin was blessed enough to be back asleep.

Ray gave a jerking nod but knew that Michael didn’t believe him. No of course not, he had learned from Jack and his brown eyes didn’t leave his face even if Ray tried to dugck away.

“Okay,” Michael finally mumbled and shifted so that Gavin could lie more comfortably. “Try to sleep.”

With another nod, Ray laid down but now they were too close. He could feel the others warmth and it somehow felt sticky on his skin. He wanted to squirm but Michael was still watching him.

“I missed you,” Michael finally mumbled and Ray could feel himself blush.

“Missed you too,” he whispered, barely audible as if he was embarrassed by it. He didn’t know if he was.

At least he could see a smile wander over Michael’s face and somehow that made everything a little better.

 

Three hours later, Gavin woke up like clockwork. Groggily he opened his eyes and looked around. It took a moment until he recognized his surroundings again but then he relaxed. 

His head was laying on someone’s chest and it wasn’t Ryan, couldn’t be. Lifting his head, he found Michael who instantly turned onto his side when Gavin moved.

Wait? Where had Michael even come from? They wanted to meet him by the airport.

Yawning, he reached for his phone and blinked against the bright screen.

5pm?

Oh, fuck. Norwegian time, he hadn’t changed it, no wonder that no alarm had gone off. Poor Michael.

He would explain it to him later but for now he slipped out of the bed.

Ray briefly lifted his head but then went right back to sleep and Gavin quietly padded out into the short hallway. There was another door to a tiny kitchen and he opened the few cupboards in hope for tea or even coffee. He found nothing besides a fridge containing mostly energy drinks.

Fuck.

He snatched one and figured he should probably ditch breakfast because nothing in there looked really edible anymore.

Grunting, he closed the fridge and put the drink at the desk with the computer. While the PC started, he went to the bathroom, but when he came back out that thing still wasn’t booted.

Sitting down he watched the other two in the bed. By now Michael had turned onto his stomach, snoring softly, and the longer Gavin watched him, the surer he got that he had seen him in the night. Most likely he had woken up when Michael stepped inside.

With a soft beep, the computer came to life and he turned towards the screen.

Yesterday Ray had only briefly showed him his data but the jetlag had caught up to Gavin and he had crashed soon after. Now he slipped the headset on and began to dig through the files.

It was a mess, he had seen that with one glance. No structure at all, everything just dumped in random folders, and so he began to organize first.

How Ray had found anything at all in here was a wonder in itself.

Cracking the energy drink open, he briefly skimmed through the pictures and video files.

He was nearly done with organizing at least the desktop by the time any of the others so much as moved. It was Ray who he could see wake up in the corner of his eye but he didn’t bother shrugging off his headset.

It was still too early and Ray wordlessly went past him towards the kitchen.

It reminded him of years ago back when they’d been children and living together in their first base. But by now at least Jack would have arrived, preparing breakfast and keeping them company. Most likely Ray wouldn’t even been awake at this hour, no, he would still act like he was asleep if only so that Geoff would wake him.

Gavin had seen that happening more than once and the jealousy had nearly devoured him. How Geoff would squeeze into Ray’s bed, would cuddle with him and talk with a soft voice to get the boy to wake up. It took a while until Ray was ready to face the world even though it was clearly all an act to squeeze a couple more minutes of snuggling in.

In those horrible weeks after Geoff’s death, when Gavin had gone several nights without sleeping, he had wondered if all of that had been fair to some degree. As he tried to find Geoff’s killer at the same time as organize their forces it had made an awful lot of sense in his sleep deprived mind.

That somehow Geoff had loved too brightly and it had just burned out.

That Ray had his share of love and maybe now it would be passed on.

After getting out with Ryan, after sleeping and eating and waking up again, he had felt awful for that. He still felt like shit whenever he remembered it, whenever that ugly jealous part of him won.

Sure, he wanted Ryan to love him just as much, but not at this cost.

Those had been dark times; he tried to tell himself that. He had been thrown from their everyday life into chaos and had lost two of his most beloved people but there had just been no time to deal with that. He had pushed any sadness and any guilt deep down and had thrown himself into work.

Jack had stepped up but it had been too sudden. Gavin had tried to help him where he could and even if neither of them had the time to mourn, they couldn’t stop worrying.

Michael and Ryan were out there on the frontlines and the battle was bloody and cruel. With that single opening, that glaring weakness in their crew, everyone had turned their backs on them and their foes had not hesitated for even one second.

It was a merciless onslaught and whenever Gavin stepped away from his monitors and couldn’t watch, a little voice in the back of his head asked if Ryan would return. If Michael would.

Geoff had also died, why shouldn’t they too? What made them different, where they more skillful or any luckier?

The fear had always been there to some degree but now it could become a harsh reality any second.

Sighing, he nearly jumped when he felt a presence by his side. It was Ray with his very own energy drink, squinting at his screen.

Now Gavin slid the headset from his ears. “This thing is a mess.”

“I organized it.”

“Bullshit.”

Ray grunted in defeat before squeezing on the chair beside him.

“You found anything yet?”

“Still getting an overview.” He clicked onto the next folder and frowned. “It’s so slow. What did you do to it?”

“I don’t know, I just… used it?”

“Please don’t tell me you used it as a normal computer.”

“Do you see a second one here?” Ray asked confused and Gavin sighed.

“So you just used this super expensive piece of technology to surf the internet?”

“I guess? Downloaded a few movies and music and shit.” He shrugged nonchalantly before grimacing. “Thinking about it, don’t look into all of the files.”

“...why?”

“There’s just private stuff in there, okay?”

Gavin stared at him and felt horror creep up his spine. Oh, he knew exactly what that meant.

“There’s your porn on here,” he mumbled horrified and Ray blushed a little. That was answer enough and with a shriek Gavin pushed the mouse from him. “I don’t want to see your porn! I really don’t want to know what you’re into!”

“That’s why I said not to look into some files!”

“Oh my God, just erase that stuff!”

“Are you kidding me? That’s a collection worth saving!”

Groaning, Gavin pushed his hands against his eyes and Ray huffed, “Don’t be a baby, as if you don’t have anything on your laptop!”

“I do not!”

“Bullshit! Are you meaning to tell me you never jerked off or something?”

Blushing wildly, Gavin shook his head. “It’s weird!”

“You’re weird!”

“Ray probably jerked it on the very same chair you’re sitting on,” came the helpful voice of Michael, and Gavin jumped onto his feet.

Turning to the bed, he saw Michael sleepily stare at him.

“You two are horrible,” Gavin mumbled and rolled his eyes when both of them broke into snickering. At least they let the topic go and when Ray got up to offer him the chair, he sat back down with a sigh.

“I’m hungry,” Michael announced now and rolled out of the bed.

“There’s nothing in the fridge,” Ray said and took a sip from his drink.

“You are a shitty host.”

“Bite me.”

“Guess we’ll go on a food run then.” Michael wrapped his arms around Gavin from behind and Gavin laid his head back to grin up at him.

“Boi!”

“Yeah, we had that yesterday already.”

“Get me some tea while you’re out there, will you?”

Sighing, Michael let him go again. “Is that all I am for you? A maid?”

“To be honest you are our only chance of food we have.”

 

“Fair enough.” Stretching, Michael grabbed Ray by the arm. “Come on then, let’s get something to eat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are back together, awwww.  
> Time for shit to go down then!
> 
> I should actually finish the story this weekend - wish me luck!


	3. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That even if Geoff was dead, he would be able to catch Ray and they would take revenge. And after that? After that there would be a home again.
> 
> A home where something irreplaceable was missing but they would mourn and finally move on, light this city up just how Geoff wanted them to.

Chapter 3

Remember

 

Stepping out from the airport, Michael found darkness ahead. It was too early for dawn and so even with the city sparkling close by the sky was pitch black.

For a while he just stood there and breathed in the city fumes. It nearly made him cough as if his lungs hadn’t always been full of it. But now it felt heavy on his tongue and made him sick.

Leaning against the pillar next to the entrance, he pulled the phone out. No new messages from either Ray or Gavin. The last had been an address and nothing more. He wasn’t quite sure if he should head there or if that was their goal in case they couldn’t meet up.

For now he decided to wait because it was still night and he didn’t have a weapon and as far as he knew that address wasn’t in the best neighbourhood. He would never hear the end of it when he got robbed or worse in the first hour of coming back.

So he showed the cab driver who stopped next to him the finger and made sure that they knew to leave him alone.

He was waiting for his brothers and if they were careful, they wouldn’t come out until he was completely alone.

So he got called a bitch for the first time of the day and continued to wait. 

After fifteen minutes, he moved away from the entrance to somewhere less brightly lit. After half an hour, he found the next dark alleyway he had told himself not to go into because he had no fucking gun and waited there.

Around 4am he realized that the others wouldn’t come.

The knowledge felt ice cold in the pit of his stomach but crawled up his throat burning hot, like most words do.

He was ready to scream it out, to call both of them idiots, but there was no one to listen.

He had left this city in a headless flight and even if that hadn’t been his decision to make, this still wasn’t his home.

Just like that little house he and Jack shared wasn’t, but it was the closest thing to it because it had Jack and he loved Jack so much. But it still wasn’t right and somehow he had hoped that it would be back here, that he would find his place among this soulless city, among his brothers.

All it did was make him feel more alone.

Sliding down the dirty brick wall, he sat down in rubbish and grime, hidden in this dark alleyway.

They had lied, he realized. He had believed that Ray needed him, that Gavin would come as well because they had asked him to, because they were _ brothers. _

But neither had truly believed that, neither besides himself, the old idiot who had also believed that they could go through all of the mess together.

That even if Geoff was dead, he would be able to catch Ray and they would take revenge. And after that? After that there would be a home again.

A home where something irreplaceable was missing but they would mourn and finally move on, light this city up just how Geoff wanted them to.

He had also been wrong about this just like right now and now his breaths came out in harsh huffs.

Because he had left Jack behind, had left Jack without protection for this, and Jack would be so hurt, but for Michael it had been the right decision.

Ray had asked for help and so of course he would come!

But they hadn’t come for him, he had been the fool who had fallen for this prank and somewhere Ray and Gavin were giggling about his stupidity, about his blind loyalty that was just oh so funny.

And maybe it wasn’t even a cruel prank, maybe those two had already found each other and had seen that they didn’t need him.

For what would they?

Gavin was able to organize everything and Ray was able to shoot everything.

What would they need naive old Michael for?

So they sent him a strange address because it was too late to stop him from coming here and would maybe watch him from afar as he searched for them.

Like back after Geoff’s death, how he had run through all those streets to catch a glimpse. First off Ray and then of Gavin.

Jack had begged him not to, had asked him if he didn’t know how dangerous it was and he still hadn’t stopped.

Because Ray had no one besides them now and Gavin had worked himself raw and wasn’t in the right set of minds to make a decision.

But he hadn’t found them because they didn’t want to get found, because they didn’t want  _him_ around and it had hurt, had squeezed his heart but he had followed Jack out of here.

Not that he would ever get over that betrayal, over his brothers leaving him and over Jack taking him away from any chance of finding them again.

And now? Now he made that stupid little mistake of hoping again. With Ray calling and Gavin so eagerly joining he had started to hope that through returning here, things would get back to normal.

That he was needed.

That he could protect.

Curling around himself, arms around his knees and breath too shallow, he didn’t know how long he sat there. It was a miracle that nobody found him and he knew he should get out of here, should go somewhere saver but he didn’t know where that was.

If he should sit down in the airport, waiting for the next flight back and try to think of an excuse on the way that Jack wouldn’t believe in the first place.

Or if he should search for that address in hope that he was wrong, that it was a funny miscalculation and his brothers were of course waiting for him, needed him.

Why he chose to get a cab and at least try, he didn’t quite know. Probably because he had come so far, had that a piece of clinging hope left.

It didn’t take him long to find the complex or even the apartment. Picking the lock was a joke and maybe that should warn him, should make him stop because it seemed foolish for Ray to live somewhere so insecure and easy to breach.

But somehow Michael knew that he was where he belonged even before he could see the traveling stars coming from a door to his left. So he closed the door and ignored everything else until he saw them.

They were sleeping and somehow looked both younger and older than the last time he had seen them.

It bothered him because he had been there, had been right besides them while growing up and any difference was like a slap in the face. Before, it had taken pictures to see any change not now one glance was enough.

But at least they were here and they weren’t laughing at him.

He knew Ray was waking up even if the other didn’t move at first. It was the same knowledge that had made him look at the phone before it rang and that had assured him he was at the right place before opening the door.

Stepping ahead, he caught Ray’s wrist as the other pulled the gun from beneath his pillow.

“Not your best performance,” Michael said and tried to control his voice. He didn’t want them to see his weakness. “I could never sneak up to you before unless you were somewhere secure. At least not this close.”

Ray stared up at him but there was something so damaged and vulnerable in his eyes that Michael felt all those horrible thoughts fall from him. All the hurt and the uncertainty and that fake anger.

No, he was needed right here.

Maybe this city wasn’t his home anymore but this room with the other two was the closest to it he would be able to find.

 

Now, with a bag full of food and drinks, following behind Ray, he felt way better, nearly giddy. Sure, it wasn’t good circumstances that brought them back together but he took what he could.

Stepping back into the small apartment, his next project would be to get this thing tidy and clean again, but first he fished a packed sandwich out of the bag.

Sure enough Gavin hadn’t moved an inch, eyes glued to the screen. When the sandwich hit his head, the boy squawked and they both laughed.

It felt good to hear Ray laugh again.

Gavin turned towards them, wide eyed. “You’re back.”

“You could get killed so easily when you are onto a project,” Ray said, but Gavin just waved him off as he turned back around. Still, it made Michael frown because that was something that had nearly happened at their first base and that thing had way better security than this shithole.

“We have to think about security,” he said as he carried the bag into the kitchen.

“I was actually hoping we would be done by the end of the week,” Ray said and made no move to help him, so Michael threw the milk at him.

“Get moving,” he commanded, and with a groan the younger opened the fridge to put the stuff in. “You really think so? That’s quite ambitious.”

“We’re kinda the best and I am not even kidding. If I found the right guys, Gavin just needs to find their location. You and I go in.”

“To do what?”

Ray shrugged. “Kill everyone that moves. Then make sure everyone who stopped moving is truly dead.”

“And after that?”

Ray fell silent and made absolutely sure to put the water bottles in a neat row.

“You know you can always come with me,” Michael offered. It didn’t sound honest, not because he didn’t mean it, but because he knew the answer. 

“We’ll see,” Ray said slowly and nudged a bottle just so he could pull it straight again. “I haven’t thought about after.”

“Okay.” He pushed the bag into Ray’s hands before leaving the kitchen, knowing the other needed some space.

They were too close to a topic that Michael knew they had to discuss sooner rather than later, but he didn’t know how to start it. So instead he moved back into the main room and snorted when he saw the sandwich still on the floor.

He picked it up, ripped open the plastic, and shoved the thing into Gavin’s mouth.

“You were meant to eat that,” he told the flailing boy who stared up to him so surprised as if he had already forgotten they had returned from their trip. Michael allowed him to breathe and when Gavin took the sandwich in his hands, he sat down on the bed.

“You could just tell me nicely,” Gavin mumbled without any ill will. 

Michael watched how he devoured the whole thing in three big bites and couldn’t help but smile.

“You always forget to eat and drink when you’re onto something,” he said fondly, and Gavin just shrugged.

“It’s important.”

“I guess it is.”

He did understand Ray’s search for revenge but he felt strangely listless about it. Like ripping open a wound that had finally stopped hurting. Back in the days after Geoff had died he had been all for it, to go out there and blow everything up in sight.

But now that Ray had said that they would be done in a week, he didn’t want to move. What would happen after that week? Would this be their last hurrah before parting again?

He didn’t want to go back even if back meant to be together with Jack again. This life without a purpose just made him angry and helpless. He hated the feeling.

Fingers brushed against his face and he nearly jumped.

Gavin quickly pulled back. “I didn’t want to startle you.”

“It’s fine. I was just thinking.”

Gavin nodded before slipping from his chair. He crouched down in front of Michael so that he could look up to him. As he brushed his hair away this time, Michael didn’t flinch. Not even when wandering fingers brushed against the place he had been shot, that had brought him as close to death as someone could be.

“It’s gone,” Gavin mumbled fascinated.

“It’s not gone, dipshit.” He caught Gavin’s hand and forced him to press down harder, could see his frown when he hit the strange texture. “I had an operation a while ago. They put something like a cap in there so that it doesn’t look as bad anymore.”

“Does it still hurt?”

Michael shook his head and that made Gavin let him go. “It’s gotten way better. They cut some stuff away and some other shit so that there isn’t as much pressure on my brain anymore. Those horrible migraines are nearly completely gone.”

“I’m glad!” Gavin grinned up to him and Michael smiled back as well. When Gavin crossed his arms over his lap and laid his head on top, he reached down to card through his hair.

“I missed you,” the boy whispered.

“Missed you too.”

“It feels strange to be here,” Gavin went on. “But I was looking forward to coming back here! Now I miss Ryan though…”

“He’ll kill you,” Michael told him good naturally and Gavin snorted.

“Oh, he will.”

“I don’t want us to part after this.”

“Me neither.”

“That’s good.”

Gavin hummed a little but moved when Michael pulled on him so that he sat beside him on the bed. They had to talk about the elephant in the room, about Ray, and he saw that Gavin was eager to discuss this as well, that they both were worried, but before he could say something, the door to the kitchen opened.

He tried not to look too guilty but by the way Ray’s eyes flitted in between them, he didn’t fool him. But their little brother didn’t say a thing, just came closer as if neither of them noticed the dark feeling he was bringing.

Something was off, Michael could tell, and next to him Gavin shivered slightly.

There were too many unspoken things between them, too many to be healthy and they just didn’t know how to deal with that simply because they hadn’t been in that situation before. They had always talked with each other, had shared their secrets because they were so close that it only felt natural.

But now they had shifted apart and Michael wasn’t sure if they had enough time to fix this. He felt closer to Gavin in that moment, like Ray wasn’t quite out of reach but Michael didn’t dare to pull him in, scared that the distance was further than he thought, that his fingers would find nothing. 

He was scared Ray wouldn’t lift his hand to grasp his wrist.

He was scared Ray would grasp his wrist and try to tear him to the place he was right now, leaving everything else behind.

It felt stupid worrying about something like that, something he would have never worried about before but he wasn’t stupid enough not to realize that all three of them had grown apart.

It didn’t take a genius to see that he had fell so much easier back into place with Gavin than with Ray.

“We need explosives,” Ray finally said and stopped in front of them. With them sitting, he actually towered over them for once and Michael felt strangely reminded of being a little child with Gavin cowering by his side. He actually threw a short glance to Gavin but the other hadn’t moved, just looked up to Ray. There were still crumbs on his hoodie.

“ _ I  _ need explosives,” he corrected Ray and tried himself on a grin.

It seemed to work because the other smirked back. “Whatever. If we want to take this guy out with a big bang we need something to make a big bang. I don’t think you got some on you?”

“Sure, stuffed the whole load in my ass to get unnoticed on that plane.”

“Considering how big of an asshole you are, I am sure you have more than enough then,” Ray deadpanned and Michael felt his grin widened. 

That felt better, felt more natural.

“Fuck you,” he replied fondly and noticed how Ray slightly changed his stance. He even recognized Gavin’s soft sigh as he scooted away a little and still Michael didn’t expect Ray to actually do it.

Ray also seemed to debate about it but then was charging at him and Michael couldn’t help but snort at the challenging glint in the other’s eyes.

He caught Ray easily by his arms and turned them around, pinning him to the bed.

Grunting, Ray fought against his grip and Michael was careful not to hold too tightly. Still, he let the other struggle for a while longer until he gave in and let Ray roll them over. As if the little weight could actually keep him down even for a minute.

But in that moment Ray looked more alive than he had seen him in months and so Michael allowed him the illusion, making halfheartedly attempts to free himself.

In the end it was a well placed kick from Gavin that make Ray lose his balance and the next thing Michael knew, he was pulled along to crash onto the floor.

Ray was groaning beneath him, thrashing around to get back on top, but Michael easily pinned him down with one hand. The other caught Gavin’s ankle before he could get away and ignored the other’s squawk. He easily pulled him from the bed as well and pinned him down next to Ray.

“Nice try,” Michael told him good naturally. “But that has never worked before and it never will.”

“I’ll kick your ass!” Gavin promised and started to flail as if that would do anything besides nail Ray in the face.

“Hey!”

“Ray, you gotta help me, Ray!”

“I had him until you kicked me!”

“Did not!”

Rolling his eyes, Michael let them go and watched as they turned on each other. It was like watching kittens fight.

He left them to it for a while before he reached down to grasp Gavin’s collar and pull him up. Somehow the other had actually managed to pin Ray down even if they had long deemed tickling as against the rules. 

“So, explosives,” Michael reminded them as he pulled Ray up as well. “You got a contact?”

“I know someone who won’t shoot us on sight,” Ray offered. His cheeks were flushed as he tried to catch his breath. “That’s kinda the best you can get around here if you were part of the Fakes.”

“Sounds promising,” Michael joked. “So they will help us out?”

“I didn’t say that, just said they won’t shoot when they see us.” He shrugged. “We can try negotiating and if not we just take what we need. I tried to get something before but they told me to fuck off.”

“Even with all your money?”

“Yeah. Said I was rude.”

Michael rolled his eyes, “I bet. There was a reason why you were never actively part of negotiation. You can’t just demand stuff.”

“Sure I can.”

Sighing, Michael turned to Gavin and the boy paled.

“Me?”

“Of course you. You think I’ll be any better than Ray?”

Gavin grimaced but it was the only logical thing to do. He and Jack had made the most deals, even if Gavin had usually done it over the phone. Later he had trailed behind Geoff to important meetings.

“It’s been a while,” Gavin said slowly and that was strange. He seemed unsure of himself but he never was, not if it was about his work.

“Well you can’t do it like this,” Ray threw in and touched Gavin’s hair. “You look like a wet noodle.”

Gavin gaped at him before swatting his hand away. “Not true!”

“It kinda is,” Michael agreed and Gavin pouted at him.

“Michael!”

“Sorry dude.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Gavin let himself fall back onto the bed but sighed after a few moments of thinking. “Well, I guess I can’t deny that I look damn good with sunglasses.”

“Oh dear Lord,” Ray mumbled and Michael also rolled his eyes.

“So, get us in touch with that guy and then we get our princess styled again.”

“You guys are just jealous.”

“You wish.”

 

Ray was irritated. Somehow Michael had made him believe that him going out with Gavin would be for the best. For Gavin’s protection, because he knew area the best.

Why had he listened?

Now it was hours later, the complete morning gone, and he had barely tasted the meal they had because whatever chemical had bleached Gavin’s hair had also killed his sense of smell.

“Why do I have to carry the bags,” he protested as they entered the apartment complex. His hair didn’t hang in his face anymore because Gavin had also talked him into getting a haircut, and he wasn’t quite sure if it bothered him or not. “Also why did you buy that much? I don’t even own that many clothes!”

“That’s why most of those are for you,” Gavin said over his shoulder as he pushed the button for the elevator. His hair was golden again, just like the insanely expensive glasses on his nose.

Seriously, Ray wasn’t a stranger to buying dumb shit for a lot of money but even he had hesitated at the price tag.

“If you think I will wear any of this crap, you don’t know me.” He stared down into the four bags and frowned. He had actually wondered why Gavin had bought so much purple stuff. But seriously? “Since when do I wear button downs or… or- I don’t even know what those are?”

“Crop tops?” Gavin helped and stepped into the elevator. With the light right above his head, he seemed to glow. “You’d look so cute in those, I promise!”

“I don’t even want to be buried in those.”

“You’re no fun.”

Ray entered after his brother and threw him a glance. It was a clear difference from before, as if a little color and different clothes made a completely new human out of him. Of course he knew it was just a disguise, but it was somehow fascinating.

Gavin noticing him staring and grinned down at him.

“At least try on the shorts?”

“No.”

“Just once? Pretty please?”

“Fuck yourself and your choice of clothing.” He nodded towards the skinny jeans as the elevator began to move. “Your dick will suffocate in those.”

“I assure you it won’t.”

“Says the guy who doesn’t jerk it.”

Gavin stuck his tongue out and Ray gave it right back. With a soft  _ding_ the elevator stopped and Gavin moved. How he managed to have a swing in his steps in that jeans was beyond Ray as he shuffled along.

“At least you will love the hoodie,” Gavin said and that made Ray perk up.

“Which hoodie?”

“Two sizes too big and fluffy on the inside.”

His eyes darted back down to the bags and he could hear Gavin chuckle in front of him. He barely noticed how they entered his apartment and just followed Gavin into the main room to dump the bags.

Gavin helped along to pour everything onto the ground and sure enough there was a single hoodie in there. Ray pulled it against his chest and found it soft to the touch.

When had been the last time he had gone and bought new clothes?

“Well look who’s back,” Michael called from the hallway. “If that isn’t Vagabond’s spawn.”

Gavin had his sunglasses pushed into his hair and his smile was unfiltered. “You cleaned up, Michael!”

Ray realized he had and let the hoodie sink to look around. The bags of garbage were gone and something like panic crawled up his throat. The windows were actually open, letting sun and air in the small apartment and suddenly he felt disconnected, like he didn’t belong here.

That had been his place! His own fucking hole and Michael had changed it!

Getting onto his feet, he saw that Michael was smiling at him but it slowly fell.

“Ray?”

“Why?” he managed to get out and Michael frowned. 

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you touch my stuff?”

“Everything is still here,” he assured him quickly and pointed towards the kitchen. “I just moved it for the cleaning and got the garbage out. I didn’t throw anything away that was important.”

Ray brushed past him and pushed the door open. His heart caught in his throat as he saw all his little treasures on the counter and that was wrong!

He kept them hidden, didn’t want to see them! He just wanted to know that it was here, that he had a piece of home left!

“I’m not done yet,” Michael said behind him. “I’ll put everything back when-” He stopped and Ray realized he had made a strange noise. He didn’t recognize it himself but he saw the mug.

Of all the things it was that damn mug, standing in the middle. It wasn’t even an important one, they had a dozen of those but he had just taken one, hadn’t thought about it.

And Geoff had always been so damn fucking happy about those mugs. As long as they read  _ World’s Best Dad _ he was satisfied.

But there was more, so much more on that counter and Ray felt it choke him.

A fucking tie that Ray had found next to a shotglass on Geoff’s desk. He had taken both, had lost it somewhere in the mess here. 

Geoff’s favorite whiskey that had never been opened.

The photo frame. It had been so caked in dust that the faces were barely recognizable and that was how Ray had wanted it to be. If he got too lonely, his finger would travel over the wooden frame and he would know it was there, that this part of his past had existed, wasn’t a dream.

Michael had cleaned it and now Geoff smiled at him. Even over that distance he recognized the smile, could hear the laughter echo in his head and it was too much.

Too many memories crowded in such a small space and that was all that was left. All that remained of his life before.

What a joke.

“I wouldn’t throw that away,” Michael said and his hand against his shoulder made Ray jump. He spun around, staring at his brother like he had never seen him before.

“Ray?” Gavin asked next, but he couldn’t react, didn’t know how to react.

That laugh was still echoing, was slowly driving him insane.

He turned around and ran from the apartment.

 

When Ray returned it was the late evening. He could hear both Gavin and Michael still talking, a familiar murmur of voices that seemed so strange coming from his apartment.

There was usually nothing in there that should make any noise.

At least they hadn’t run after him even though he felt a bit hurt by that. That was stupid; after all once he had stopped to catch his breath, he had shot Gavin a message. Some bullshit about him getting them a meeting with that other crew or something like that.

It hadn’t mattered to him; he had just wanted to have his space and sure enough Gavin had just responded with a short ‘okay’.

Now he actually felt a bit nervous about stepping inside but he did so anyway.

The talking stopped immediately, so it had probably been about him.

“Ray?” asked Gavin quietly before he could even step into the room. He sounded so concerned and unsure that it tugged at Ray’s heart and made him hesitate.

Gavin sounded like way back when they had been children, when he had chosen every word so carefully as if Ray would yell at him. And yes, the memory was muddy because it seemed forever ago but he knew that he hadn’t been nice to Gavin at first.

Geoff had been and it had filled him with such a jealousy that it had made him act out even more.

Right now that was such a foreign thought and as he turned the corner Gavin’s eyes found his and he seemed nearly timid.

It made Ray smile, touched something deep inside of him that he had nearly thought dead.

“Hey,” he mumbled and of course Gavin sat in his chair, the computer still running. Had undoubtedly worked through the day.

“Ray.” That was Michael now and the good feeling was gone. Ray held on to the door frame as he turned to him.

Michael sat on his bed, pale even for him and already dressed in his fucking pyjamas. Still, Ray felt small, felt embarrassed for just running out like that. He should have swallowed it down like he always had but no, he had to make a fucking scene.

It wasn’t like that dumb mug mattered anymore or that photo. All dead things because Geoff surely wasn’t in them, Geoff had disappeared from one moment to the next and Ray had long given up to search for him.

All those warm little promises, just lies in the end like always. Geoff had never been anything else but a liar.

“I’m so sorry,” Michael breathed out. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ray mumbled and pressed himself against the door frame, tried to hide behind.

“I put everything back where I found it an-”

“Michael,” Ray interrupted him and he hated his voice, hated that he was begging.

A loaded silence fell in between them and Ray wished the ground would open up to swallow him whole, he wished he never had called either of them. 

But he had and he knew just because he was hurt right now tomorrow he would be truly pissed. That Michael had no right to go through his stuff or clean this place up.

For tonight he was too weak, the blow had been too sudden and now he was just tired. So fucking tired.

It was Gavin who moved next, standing up from the chair and throwing a pointed look to Michael. Ray briefly wondered what they had talked about but then Gavin already took his hand and pulled him along.

“Michael made some yummy food,” he said softly and Ray nearly struggled when the other pulled the door open to the kitchen. But Michael had said the truth, all those horrible things had disappeared back into the dark corners they belonged to.

Gavin let him go and began to rummage around, probably for plates and spoons or whatever. There was a smell but he couldn’t place it and didn’t bother checking it out.

“Umm…” Gavin began. “You sure you don’t want to… to talk about that?”

Ray nodded and Gavin did the same. “Okay. Just making sure. If you… you know.”

He shrugged, bit on his bottom lip before laughing nervously. “How about after we get those assholes we buy a giant TV? Not the small one you have and then we play all night? Oh, or watch scary movies!”

“You want to do a Lad night?”

“Yeah!”

“We’re not kids anymore, Gav.”

That made Gavin turn towards him.

“Don’t,” he said sharply, and Ray looked up surprised. 

“Don’t let them take that from you,” Gavin continued. “They took so much but not that.”

“They?”

“Everyone,” he clarified fiercely. “I will stay a kid as long as I can. I want to… to eat ice cream and play video games and jump around! I want a bloody pillow fort and fairytales and tickle fights! Because those are one of my most treasured memories. Those are my memories and I want to make so many more!”

There was redness spilling into his cheeks but Ray couldn’t tell if the other was embarrassed or had just worked himself into a frenzy. It felt strange not to know exactly what Gavin was thinking.

With a huff, Gavin turned his back to him. “So I wanna do a lad night, okay? I want to sit together until the morning and talk. I took so many pictures and I want to show them all to you.”

“That would be nice,” Ray admitted and took the plate when Gavin held it out for him.

Burgers; he had those a lot but not freshly made, just the fast food ones, and his stomach actually grumbled.

The noise made Gavin smile. “Take your time.”

Gavin left him alone, and for a while Ray was nearly sure he could do it. He was hungry, had appetite most of all because that burger smelled so good.

He could eat the whole thing, maybe a second one and he knew that feeling this full would also make him dozy. He could collect himself and step out there and Michael wouldn’t say a thing, he had seen it in his eyes. Michael felt terrible about what had happened and Ray felt a certain satisfaction about that.

This was his space, the only place left on this whole damn world that was only his own and he had invited the others in. They had to play after his rules in here; they had to obey his damn commands because that was  _his_ mission! He couldn’t have Michael running around, opening old wounds when he felt like he was finally getting somewhere.

He took a deep breath and realized he couldn’t. The burger was in his hand but now the smell made him sick, the soft voices coming from outside the kitchen assured him that the other two were talking about him again.

So he put the plate down and opened one of the drawers. All the way in the back was a small bottle and a handful of pills gave a funny noise when he pulled it out. He had hid it there once he had asked the other two to come join him, had hid his other drugs as well, and that was another reason why he didn’t want Michael sneaking around here.

Michael wouldn’t understand.

Maybe Gavin. He was pretty sure he could get Gavin to take one of those that made you more productive but that was a challenge for another day.

He shook one brightly colored pill into his hand and hesitated. That would surely allow him to fall asleep but he remembered that photo too well, Geoff’s easy smile. He took another pill and then swallowed both dry before hiding the bottle again.

He would dream tonight, those pills always made him dream, and at one point he had stopped carrying if it would be nightmares or not.

Looking back at the burger, he at least tried to eat a bit. Michael had made this one after all, but the taste made him sick the moment he bit into it. Still, he forced himself to swallow before throwing the rest away.

* * *

 

He was in the living room, curled up in his beanbag with a blanket wrapped around him. His fingers flew over the controller and the game audio was a bit too loud because he didn’t want to hear Geoff in his office.

The room he was in was big, the kitchen open, and he could still smell their food from the evening. Some kind of chicken dish with an amazing sauce and if Ray wasn’t as full and content right now, he would get up and get some more.

Instead he yawned and went back to his game, immersed in the dull colors and his current objective. Still, he heard Geoff enter and could feel him watching. He guessed it was because he was checking out the game but then he paused and Geoff was still quiet. Only when he craned his neck to look at his guardian did Geoff sigh.

“Hey Rayray,” he said softly and moved closer. “I wanna show you something.”

“No,” was Ray’s immediate answer.

He knew what Geoff was working on, knew that he asked Gavin to give him the data he had collected from hacking the project and yes, a part of Ray understood that. Geoff didn’t want Gavin to go through the load of shit in those files, the reports, the analyses of each Gunslinger. Of so many children, not only the first five waves, also the ones after. The few failures before.

It was ugly and Ray had seen how Geoff had locked himself into his office for the past two weeks, a bottle of whiskey always with him. Why he did that, Ray didn’t know but he wanted nothing to do with it.

He was damn fucking through with that!

And now that he checked on Geoff he noticed his bloodshot eyes that either came from too much alcohol or crying or a mixture of both.

“No,” he said again and curled into his blanket. He wanted to forget the project once and for all. Geoff knew that! Why would he ask?

“Please,” Geoff simply said and a warm hand laid on Ray’s shoulder. “I understand why you wouldn’t want to but I promise you it’s important. I think it’s very important that you see this.”

“What would I want to see? Another dead face of a child?” Ray mumbled.

“It’s nothing like that.”

Ray hesitated and Geoff seemed to pick up on it. His hand traveled from his shoulder down to take his hand. 

“I promise.”

And so Ray followed him, not letting go as he saw the lit screen. Geoff sat down but didn’t pull a chair close for Ray to sit and so Ray stood a bit awkwardly next to him.

There was a paused video but he saw the name of the folder.

_ #003 _

“Geoff,” he whined but his guardian pulled him in and sat him on his lap. Ray struggled a bit but couldn’t break free, not even when the other started the video.

There was a child, a toddler sitting on a plain white ground. The onesie was of a black that was just as dark as their hair and Ray tried one more time to flee only for Geoff to wrap an arm around his middle.

The video was muted, probably because whoever was recording was analyzing him even back then, was already deciding for him. He was glad that he couldn’t hear it.

“That’s me,” he said softly without knowing why. That should be obvious.

He could feel Geoff nod, his face brushing against his shoulder and carefully Ray reached out. He touched the toddler who was trying to stand on unsure legs.

“That’s me,” he repeated but it didn’t make any sense to him. This kid was so… so small, they couldn't even walk!

How could that be him?

Thinking back, his first real memories were with the crew, everything from before was just a jumble of nightmares. This right there was that child from the nightmares?

Ray let his hand drop and the toddler also fell. They didn’t cry and Ray frowned. Babies always cried!

No, this one tried again to get up and with sudden certainty he knew that they didn’t cry because no one would listen, no one would come to comfort.

Pulling his legs close, he curled into Geoff but couldn’t take his eyes from the screen.

“Look at you,” Geoff whispered and it was obvious that he was crying. “Look at your little hands, Ray. Your little nose.”

“That’s me?” This time it was a question and his own voice sounded thick.

“Of course. Look at your eyes, they are the same. You even still turn your head the same way.”

Ray stared, tried to recognize it as well but he couldn’t. He knew why.

“I never saw myself that young,” he mumbled and it was true. The earliest pictures of him were back with the other two, years after this right here.

“I wanna go back,” Geoff whispered into his ear. “Right to that moment and I’d get you out of there. If I could I would do it in this very second. Would take you somewhere far away, just you and me.”

Ray felt his own tears well up because he wanted that. He wanted Geoff to come and rescue him just a little sooner. 

“That’s me,” and his own voice broke. “That’s my childhood.”

“I already loved you,” Geoff went on and wrapped his arms around him, holding him oh so tight. “Back in that very moment I already did. I had already found you, you were already mine - we just didn’t know yet.”

There was a kiss pressed against his hair and Ray realized that he was crying, that his insides were squeezed so tight that there was no more space left. He couldn’t grasp it, would never be able to; this loss of childhood, this loss of so many memories that should be his. But there was more, there were good feelings too because he knew Geoff was right. That no matter what circumstances, if he had started to cry back then Geoff would have come to comfort him.

“I love you,” Geoff promised against his hair, and Ray turned around to hide his face in the other’s neck. “I love you so much, Ray. If I could have… If there was just one possibility I would have saved you on that day.”

He knew that.

 

Ray startled awake, the light of the screen still behind his eyelids.

Now it was early morning, the curtains were closed but a little light fell in already. From somewhere came a rhythmical typing sound that he couldn’t place.

His heart was pounding nearly painfully hard, making his fingers and toes tingle.  _ Geoff. _

Someone warm pressed against his back, an arm lazily thrown over his middle as they slept.

Had he fallen asleep? It could be, seeing himself so young had exhausted him and maybe Geoff had carried him here.

It wasn’t Geoff, he knew that. The arm was too pale, had not enough tattoos. It was Michael who had lazily tangled their legs, Michael who had curled around him in comfort just like he always had.

Geoff was dead.

That fact settled heavily in his stomach, like a weight he just couldn’t get rid of, and with a hot shame he realized there were tears running from his eyes and into the blanket.

He turned around quickly, hiding his face a little as he looked around. Mogar laid nearly discarded on the edge of the bed and he pulled the teddy close, burying his face in the soft fur.

The noise had stopped now and it had to be Gavin on the computer. He had probably noticed the movement in the corner of his eyes and Ray bit onto his lip to not make a noise.

Fuck, he didn’t want them to see him like that!

But he could hear how Gavin stood and slowly stepped closer. His brother was quiet, was looming next to the bed and Ray wanted him gone. Couldn’t Gavin just go back to his work? That was what he was here for in the first place and certainly not for any fucking pity!

Ray tensed because the other was right in front of him as he hid away, he could feel the hand looming over his head as Gavin debated if he should touch him.

Not now, not when he wouldn't be able to control his voice or stop this stupid tears. He couldn't show any weakness!

It was a small eternity until he heard Gavin shift and turn away. The chair creaked quietly as he sat down again and after a few more seconds the fast  _taptap_ of him typing away filled the room.

Ray should be able to relax now but couldn't find it in him. Somehow the tears just got hotter as if he wanted both of his brothers wrapped around him, telling him it was okay.

But the more he thought about it, the happier he should be. It had been a good memory for once, one he held dearly. 

And even though the pills made dreaming easier, he couldn’t always count on it. Sometimes he wouldn’t find Geoff at all, sometimes the dream would be interrupted by a single shot, leaving him alone.

It was still worth it though. 

Sometimes he missed Geoff so badly that even seeing his cold body could help.

It took him a while longer until he moved again, he was reveling in the dream, listening to Geoff’s voice. He didn’t quite know why dreams were more comforting than pictures or old videos he surely had. Maybe because for a moment dreams seemed real enough.

Only when Michael shifted behind him, nuzzling against his shoulder, did he open his eyes again. Pushing Mogar away, he quickly rubbed his eyes before lifting his head.

Gavin slowly turned around to greet him with a toothy grin. “Good morning.”   
“Morning,” Ray grunted. The smile wasn’t quite real but he hadn’t really expected to fool Gavin this morning.

He freed himself from Michael’s embrace and got up. Immediately he grew dizzy and reached for the wall to steady himself.

“Ra-”

“Fine,” he interrupted Gavin and closed his eyes. Not today. No, today was too important to mess up and so he willed the weakness away.

The pills really didn’t help with his seizures but to be honest he had taken way worse things.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off of the wall to walk over to Gavin and of course Gavin looked at him all concerned.

“You ready for today?” he asked to change the subject and it seemed to work.

“I hope so,” Gavin admitted. “It’s been a while since I’ve done a deal.”

“We just need Vagabond’s spawn to do it.” Ramsey’s puppeteer, but that was also a dead title.

Reaching up, he touched the bleached hair sticking out messily from underneath the headset. “We’ll have your back.”

“I know you will.” Gavin looked up to him and this time his smile was a bit more honest. “I’ll get you your explosives, Ray.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for any mistakes but my cat ran over the keyboard and made a big mess. I think I got everything though!


	4. Ricochet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were brothers and nothing could change that.

Chapter 4

Ricochet

 

On the day Geoff died, Michael had stood just a few feet away. There was still a door in between them but all in all he took less than ten seconds to get there.

The crew they were negotiating with was one of their regular ones, the ones with all the special weapons, and he had actually asked to come along. After all that’s where his minigun came from, so who knew what other fun things they had here!

But for now he had to play the role of the asshole. Not that he minded, he was good at it as he leaned at the brick wall next to the door, playing with his phone. He was pretty sure Ray was doing the exact same thing in the next room, and he wondered if he should shoot him a message.

To the left of him stood Ryan, and he was staring the members of the opposite crew down. Not because they had any reason to be pissed at them, but simply because he was so damn good at it. With that ridiculous mask and the thick leather jacket it was just that easy.

When the shot rang out, he snapped to attention, but he didn’t think about a catastrophe at first. After all they were here for some fancy weapons, and knowing Ray he would gladly test some of them.

It was the sharp intake of breath that came from Gavin that made him stuff his phone into his pocket while pulling his gun out in the same movement. Ryan was just as quick and he ripped the door open. Michael ducked beneath his arm, his gun raised while his eyes were still searching.

He found the boss of the other crew but didn’t shoot.

Later he figured it was because the man looked just as shocked as everyone else, had no weapon out whatsoever. Like he didn’t know what was going on either.

“Sniper!”

It was the first word said and it was Gavin who bellowed it, something too tight in his voice.

Michael looked up to the high windows but before he could see a thing an arm wrapped around his middle. 

Ryan took him straight from his feet as he threw both of them behind some crates and out of sight. Just in time, because the next thing Michael heard was the crack of a gunshot.

It hit the boss of the opposite crew and the man went down in a heartbeat.

That’s when things grew hectic, everyone trying to get behind cover, and Ryan pressed him into the shadow right next to him. He had a hand tightly clamped on Michael’s shoulder as if he wanted to keep him from running out there.

He wasn’t that stupid!

“Gavin,” Ryan grunted.

“Came out of nowhere,” Gavin replied, and they heard the familiar typing over the earpiece. “Back up is on the way. I am trying to get visuals right now.”

“You need to find this guy. We’re pinned.”

“I know.”

Michael felt his own heart pounding now, the blood rushing through his ears and it was strange. After the panic from just a second before everything fell into an eerie silence. The few men that had been in the room had all clambered for cover, were hiding away now, but there was no shouting of orders and Michael was slightly confused.

Not about the other crew, fuck them, but Ray could take the sniper out. If Gavin found them, then Ray just had to shoot them, and Michael knew he was the better shot, would always be.

But the order didn’t come, neither from Geoff or Ryan.

It left him with a sick aftertaste and he wanted to say something himself but he knew that Ray didn’t have an earpiece.

As a sign of trust and solidarity neither Geoff or Ray had worn one. They didn’t need it, Gavin had the room bugged and could watch over the cams.

But now their end was horrifyingly quiet and Michael dared to peek around the corner.

There were more crates and boxes like the ones they were hiding behind but the middle of the warehouse was empty, obviously the place for the deal.

There on the gray floor laid a body. At least at first he only saw the one and Michael’s breath caught in his throat.

The black suit was weighted down and soaked wet in the cold light; where it touched the floor it painted everything red. There was a hole in Geoff’s back, surprisingly small for all the blood on the ground.

Then he saw a third arm clad in purple. and his stomach dropped.

Ray was buried beneath his guardian, the rifle pinned underneath him in a strange angle.

Michael couldn’t see much more than that, Ray was mostly hidden by Geoff whose back was turned to them.

They didn’t move.

That was the moment where he tried to charge, to run in there and grab them, pull them to safety. As quick as he could, in and out before the sniper could aim at him.

Ryan’s hand tightened and he slammed him back against the crate.

“Gavin,” he said again, a little sharper as Michael struggled.

“I don’t have visuals! I don’t see anyone, Ryan!”

“They are still there though,” Ryan grunted and when Michael followed the other’s eyes, he found a little red dot traveling over the door they had just come through.

“We’re pinned, Gavin.”

“I don’t have them on any cams.” Gavin took a deep breath and for a moment the clicking coming from his end stopped as he thought.

“Back up will be there in ten.”

“We don’t have ten minutes.”

“I see that, Ryan!”

Another shot rang out, making them all jump. Michael didn’t see where it hit but he also didn’t care. 

That meant the sniper had to reload, right? They would be occupied and he could pull Geoff and Ray to safety!

He jerked himself free and nearly got to his feet before Ryan’s leg shot out. He tripped over it and fell back only for Ryan to throw his body on top of him, pushing him back into the shadows.

The next shot came a heartbeat later and he could feel the vibration as it hit the crate.

“Stay down for fucks sake!” Ryan snapped at him but how could he?

Ray and Geoff were out there, wide in the open and at least Geoff was badly hurt! They couldn't just stay here to wait this out!

“You shoot at the sniper,” he said quickly. “I’ll go out there an-”

“Bullshit.” Now both of Ryan’s hands held him down. “We don’t need anyone else shot.”

“But-”

“Michael, running out there would be suicide.”

Michael stared up to him and wanted to ask Ryan if he didn’t understand, if he didn’t see that Geoff needed their help, that the next bullet could hit Ray but then he hesitated. There was something so controlled about Ryan’s every movement, about the way his eyes darted around to follow the red dot.

Oh, he knew. He knew all of that and so much more.

Waiting was cruel. Michael wondered if he had ever done something more cruel, but he couldn’t think of anything off the top of his head. Ryan didn’t let go of him, kept him pinned against the crate, and he had stopped struggling, had stopped being annoyed by it. At some point it had become a nearly comforting gesture and Michael kept his gaze pointedly at his knees.

He could tell that Ryan was looking ahead, probably following the little red dot or watching Geoff and Ray.

And fuck, they were so quiet. They were so fucking quiet, no groan of pain or anything.

They should be in pain, right? They had to be!

Biting down on his lip, he nearly jumped when Gavin spoke again. He had been muted while talking to the back up and now his voice sounded tight, “They can’t find the sniper.”

“I haven’t seen anything in a while,” Ryan agreed and now Michael looked up as well. He also couldn’t find the red dot.

“Do you see anything on the cams?”

“I haven’t even caught a glimpse of them,” Gavin admitted. “They know this area.”

“And the others surely didn’t see anything?”

“It seems you are clear,” Gavin said, but he sounded hesitant. If he gave them the go and was wrong-

But Michael didn’t wait for that, he jumped to his feet at once, too sudden for Ryan to stop him. But the other didn’t really try; he also stood even if it was a bit more carefully. 

He was having his back, was checking for the sniper, and that assured Michael enough to run out.

When he reached Geoff the warehouse was slowly breathing again, coming alive as the other crew also began to move, but he didn’t care.

He dropped to his knees and reached out, touching Geoff’s shoulder.

“Geoff?” he asked as he pulled, and the body moved easily. It rolled from Ray onto the floor, and Geoff’s crisp white shirt was stained red; everything was stained red.

“Geoff?” Michael asked again and when he brushed against the other's skin he knew it was too late. Pale and waxen and already a bit cold. There was a hole in his chest, way bigger than the one where the bullet had entered his body and there was just too much blood, way too much for one body and Michael barely dared to let his eyes wander.

Ray laid on his back, arms on his chest and hands slightly curled as if he had held onto Geoff. His face was lax, blood smeared across his cheek.

At first Michael thought he hadn’t been hit but it was hard to tell. His damn hoodie was soaked, still dripping onto the floor. It was only when he saw that it was ripped open at his side that Michael saw the entrance wound.

Ah.

They must have stood next to each other, of course they had.

The bullet had hit Geoff’s back, had gone through his chest and then into Ray’s side. Geoff had been turned to Ray. Had they been talking?

Michael didn’t know but he swallowed heavily. A hand laid on his head and he wanted to pretend it was Jack.

“He isn’t breathing,” Ryan said.

“I called an ambulance,” Gavin replied immediately, nearly fiercely, as if he didn’t agree with Ryan.

“Where’s Jack?” Michael asked and his tongue felt nearly numb. He blinked confused as if that would get rid of the two bodies in front of him.

“He was part of the backup. He’ll be right there, Michael.”

He nodded dimly, and only when Ryan crouched down next to him did he snap awake. Leaning over Geoff, he tried to open his mouth to breath into him, to do something!

“The bullet hit his lungs,” Ryan said needlessly, as if that was important, as if that meant they should just let him lay there!

“It hit my head,” Michael grunted, and still he knew that was different. Because there was no pulse, there was no breath coming from Geoff, and when he managed to pry his mouth open, it was full of blood.

Helplessly, he looked up for help and found Ryan over Ray, a gloved hand on his cheek, and it would look nearly gentle if there wasn’t the blood.

His other hand found Ray’s side and pressed down on his wound. 

A shiver went through the limp body and a gasp wrenched itself free from slightly parted lips. Michael was so shocked that he couldn’t move because Ray had been dead, Ray had looked dead, but he breathed in now.

“Oh God,” Ryan gasped as if he hadn’t seen this coming as well. He ripped his mask off like the face paint made him look any less like a reaper as he leaned over Ray’s small form. “Ray? Ray!”

Ray’s hands uncurled, reaching for something, but then Ryan bore down on his wound and Ray cried out. It seemed impossible that he had any energy for that but it echoed in the warehouse.

It sent a chill down Michael’s back, but he managed to move, to leave Geoff on the floor to crawl to his brother. And Ray’s eyes fluttered but he pressed them together and Michael finally tears sting in his eyes.

Ray didn’t want to see, didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to sleep because he knew what had happened, knew it all too well.

“Ray,” Michael whimpered and leaned down. He brushed sticky hair from Ray’s face until he could lean his forehead against the other’s, feeling how clammy and cold it was.

“Ray…”

A sob went through the weak body and then tears welled up from closed eyes. Michael caught one of the searching hands and saw that Ryan did the same with the other as he talked with them.

It didn’t help, it wasn’t what Ray was searching for and they all knew it. Because Geoff was dead and Michael didn’t want to feel relieved but Ray was alive, Ray’s breath was hitting his skin even though it was in short panted screams.

“Ray, Ray, Ray…” he cried and tried to comfort what couldn’t be comforted, tried to ease a pain that already went too deep.

“Geoff-” Ray murmured, but maybe that was just in his head, he wasn't sure how conscious Ray was in that moment because he was still losing blood, was still hurt badly but he was very sure that he had heard that cursed word.

 

The mission today would be the first actual one after that unfortunate day and it left him with a churning feeling in his stomach. Partly he knew that they were just making a deal, that nothing dangerous should happen besides them getting told no.

But back then he had also just followed along to see some new guns, Ray as well. Normally it would have only been Ryan and Geoff because neither expected something like that to happen.

“Fuck,” he mumbled to himself. He was lying on the bed, arms stretched over his head as if that would help him calm down. It didn’t, he was acutely aware of how long it had been since he had been in any sort of real combat, how long ago he had fired a gun.

Even worse, a rifle, because that was usually Ray’s job and if Ray needed backup they would either take Jack or Jeremy. Neither of the two were available and so he had to step up.

And he could shoot. Fuck, of course he could! And Ray was also still there.

With a grunt, he sat up and took a look into the bathroom. Gavin was standing in front of the mirror getting ready, and Michael could smell the familiar scent of hair gel, but now he was confused.

“What are you doing?” he asked and Gavin just glanced at him.

He had a… was that eyeliner? Michael had no clue; at least it was something that looked like a fine pen. He was pretty sure it had nothing to do anywhere near Gavin’s throat.

“Let’s say I am working on my performance,” Gavin said. He spoke very softly to not disturb his own hand. And now, as Michael stepped closer, he saw that he was drawing a fine line right beneath his scar. Somehow that made it more prominent, showed the pale skin off a little more. Michael had barely noticed it before, not after Gavin wasn’t as tan anymore.

It send a shiver down his spine and Gavin noticed.

“If you’re built like me you gotta take every opportunity to look as intimidating as possible,” he said with a smile. “Look at Ryan, he does the same.”

“I don’t think he has to do a single intimidating thing with how he is built.”

“Maybe now, but you should have seen him in his teenage years. Bloody theater kid.”

That made Michael raise his brows. “You are shitting me.” The smirk he got was answer enough. “Holy shit, please tell me you got pics.”

“Even better, I got videos.”

“No way, he showed you?!”

“Who said anything about showing me? His old college has a databank and do you really think I can’t get into that?”

“You are evil,” Michael told him impressed. “You better show us.”

“If you’re all nice, I will.” He put his strange pen-thing down and gave himself a once-over in the mirror.

With the black button down shirt and the golden hair, he seemed to glow even beneath the dim bathroom light. The styled hair gave him a couple of inches and even though that should be the most obvious part, Michael found his eyes going back to the scar.

“Good?” Gavin asked as he stood and picked his glasses up. He went to hang them into his collar but Michael stopped him as he reached out.

“I don’t like it,” he mumbled as his finger brushed against the scar. It was such a clean cut that he barely felt the rise of skin. “I wasn’t there.”

“You were,” Gavin told him softly. “You were with me on that day.”

Only that it could hardly count. All he had done was lying in a bed unconscious while Gavin feared for his life. And it had been bad, he knew because nobody really talked about that day.

“I should have protected you.”

“It’s fine, Michael. It was damn well time for me to return the favor.” He said it teasingly, giving him a wink. “Also I am over it. It’s been what? Over two years?”

“Still,” Michael mumbled but let it go. He shouldn’t remind Gavin of something so horrible on a day like this, no need to make him nervous.

“Hey,” Ray called from somewhere in the apartment. “You two done sucking each other off or you need another minute?”

Michael rolled his eyes. “You really think Gavin could suck a single dick? His gag-reflex would be lethal.”

“Honestly, I don’t think Gavin will be the one sucking in that relationship.”

Behind him Gavin started to giggle and slapped him on the shoulder before dancing past him, “He’s right, Love.”

“How about both of you fuck yourself?”

“How about both of you get your asses going because we have a meeting we kinda need to attend.”

“If you say I am ready to go then I am,” Gavin told him and finally slipped his sunglasses on.

Michael could tell that Ray’s eyes still flitted to Gavin’s throat before he gave a jerking nod.

“Then Team Lads is back in action!” Gavin cried out and promptly threw an arm around Ray’s shoulder.

In that moment their differences were nearly blinding.

Gavin’s brightness, the wide smile, and the fashionable clothing stood in a stark contrast to Ray’s worn out hoodie, the slight frown, and the looming darkness that seemed to follow him around. It was literally like night and day wrapped in a loving embrace.

Because no matter how much Ray grimaced, his struggles to get away were half-hearted and Gavin seemed so starved for Ray’s affection, to make him smile, that he squished his cheek against the dark hair.

Watching them made Michael smile, something fond rising in his chest. He knew that he loved both of them, loved them individually, and it had hurt to be separated, had shifted something inside of him because that wasn’t right, because they belonged together.

They were brothers and nothing could change that.

 

It was a warehouse, of course it was. It didn’t help his nerves but he tried not to let it show. Gavin had acted so brave, had smiled the whole way and had also sent them off that way.

If he could go through it, than Michael could as well.

He had followed Ray up on a roof and now let his bag fall down as he popped his earpiece in.

Ray was a few feet ahead so that he could look inside a different window. That way they both should be able to see the deal, and if not Ray would move around to find a better spot.

Taking another deep breath, he opened the bag and began to put his sniper rifle together. Of course Ray was faster than him, did it without really paying attention as he surveyed the warehouse beneath.

He was stone-faced and Michael hesitated a little when he saw the other’s gun. It was black, not pink anymore.

Somehow that felt like a punch in the gut.

“I’m going in now,” Gavin said in their ear. It didn’t sound unsure which was good. If Michael couldn't pick up on it than nobody else should. And he had been back in the game the moment the sunglasses were on his nose.

Disgustingly confident with a smirk that didn’t seem to pass.

It was exactly what they needed.

“We got it,” Ray agreed and crouched down, the butt of his gun pressed against his shoulder.

Michael hurried to piece his own gun together. He tuned Gavin out for now, at least while he tried to find a good spot.

Fuck, it’s really been long since he had sniped.

And as he looked through the scope to see inside the warehouse he couldn’t help but realize that this was how the sniper back then had prepared himself. Had waited so patiently for a good shot.

His heart felt heavy at the thought and he threw another glance to Ray.

They hadn’t really talked, not after the mess yesterday, and Michael still felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to hurt Ray; he hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable.

Cleaning that photo, cleaning all of Ray’s little mementos had felt strangely therapeutic. Of course Michael missed him as well, of course he had sat down to look at the picture for a while because fuck, he had also been there, okay? He had been the first with Geoff, had seen the damage a single bullet had caused.

It had felt good to see that sleepy smile again even if it was only in a memory.

He had hoped it would be the same with Ray.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “I’m really sorry about yesterday.”

Ray didn’t look up but Michael hadn’t expected him to.

“You shouldn’t have gone through my stuff.”

“I just wanted to clean your apartment a little.”

“This is none of your business. As you said, it’s my apartment.”

Michael frowned a little at the sharp tone but it was fair enough. “It was nasty and you know it. I would have put everything back into place once I was done.”

Ray huffed, annoyed, and actually glanced up from his scope. “I didn’t ask you to clean it and I didn’t want you to clean it, so don’t give me that crap.”

“I can’t fucking let you live in a hole like that!”

“Guess what! You actually fucking can!”

“Hey!” Michael protested and he could feel himself getting worked up over this.

“I hired you to do a fucking job,” Ray went on. “And it certainly wasn’t for you to play my maid!”

“You  _hired_ me?” Michael asked in disbelief, because fuck that! He wasn’t a paid gun in this for the money!

He stared at Ray and could see how his brother bit on his lip. “You know what I mean.”

“No. What exactly do you mean, Ray?”

Now Ray finally lifted his head to look him in the eyes. “You really wanna know?”

“En-fucking-lighten me,” Michael snapped at him, and his heart was racing. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted an answer.

“I fucking mean that you are here to do a job, Michael,” Ray said and his voice didn’t even shake as he said that. “And I want you to do that job. Nothing more and nothing less.”

Michael was aware that he was staring and Ray easily held his gaze.

“I am not a hired gun,” he said slowly, and Ray just shrugged.

“You wanna be? I can pay you.”

“I don’t want your fucking money!”

“Good.” Ray turned back around. “Then concentrate on the job.”

But he couldn’t. He tried to look back through the scope, tried to find Gavin, but the words kept running through his head. He couldn't believe that was what Ray thought they were doing here, that he did that just for him. As if he wasn’t in this for his own fucking vengeance as well!

Fuck, Ray could have the kill, he was absolutely fine with that, but he wanted to be there, wanted to take those assholes down because it was also his family!

He had been close to Geoff, he had fucking mourned him for months, and no way he was over his death. That death still haunted him, the scene always behind his lids because he had been so close and all he kept thinking about was if he could have changed it. If there was something he could have done to prevent it!

He wasn’t fucking here under Ray’s command - he was here because he would watch his back the entire fucking way.

He always had.

“I was just trying to do something nice for you,” he said, and noticed that his voice was tight. Like this it sounded like Ray didn’t need him. He didn’t want that.

He tried to look through the scope but his hand was shaking too hard. Fuck, where was Gavin?

Something fell to the ground, startling him. He turned around to see that it was Ray’s rifle, carelessly thrown down as his brother turned towards him.

“Guess fucking what, Michael,” Ray snapped at him, venom in his voice. “I didn’t want you to do something nice for me! It wasn’t even something nice in the first place! Why would you even think that? You went through my stuff, you kept poking around in stuff that isn’t your fucking concern anymore!”

“Fuck you,” Michael blurted out because that was always his first reaction. His heart was pounding so hard that it hurt.

“You always do that,” Ray went on without listening. “You always sit so high up on your throne and decide what’s the best for me and what’s the fucking best for Gavin! You cook for us and you make sure we have enough to drink because you are oh so fucking nice! Because without you we would be fucking useless, right? That’s what’s going on in your stupid head, isn’t it? That we fucking need you on every fucking step that we take!”

They did. They had to.

He couldn’t be useless.

“I was perfectly fine those past months! I was freaking peachy and that was without your help, Michael. It was without you holding my damn hand because I am not a fucking child anymore, okay? I haven’t been a fucking child since I was three years old and I don’t need you to hover over me all the time!”

No.  _ No, no, no! _

“You are not my parent,” Ray continued mercilessly. “You are not my guardian and you are most certainly not Geoff.”

It was the first time he heard Ray say his name since coming here and it hurt. It fucking hurt and he couldn’t believe Ray was saying this. 

“And I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to be Geoff or to take care of me! You are not… You are not  _ him!” _

“I’m your big brother,” Michael said softly and Ray threw him such a heated glare that he felt sorry for even saying anything in the first place.

“I want to get this over with,” Ray just said and showed him that little mercy at least. “I want to get those assholes and I want to execute them. That’s what I need.”

“After that,” Michael began but his head was spinning. “After that I take you to Jack-”

“No.”

“We can all get back together!”

“We can not! It doesn’t fucking work like that, Michael!”

“We can-”

“Didn’t you hear a fucking thing I just said!”

_ “Shut the fuck up!” _

They both jumped at the sudden voice and with a sinking feeling he realized it was Gavin screaming at them through the earpiece. “Both of you! Fuck both of you!”

Fuck-

Michael spun around and could see Ray do the same. They reached for their rifles to look into the warehouse but he already knew that Gavin wouldn’t be there anymore. 

Instead he saw a shadow on the street below.

“Gav-” Michael began, but Gavin was quicker. They flinched at the high static noise as Gavin threw his earpiece to the ground only to step on it.

He looked up to them and even in the dim light he seemed to shine.

“Shit,” Ray muttered and got to his feet. Throwing the rifle over his shoulder, he ran towards the ladder down and Michael was hot on his heels.

Gavin was waiting below, arms crossed and face tight. 

“What about the deal?” Ray called before letting himself drop down the last few steps. He hurried towards Gavin but the other just pushed him away.

“Oh, now you bloody care about the deal? Damn late, don’t you think?”

“What about the deal, Gavin,” Ray pushed on but kept the distance. Michael stopped even behind him, still shaky from their fight just now.

“It bloody blew! What did you expect!”

“It what?” Ray made a threatening step towards him, but Gavin stood his ground.

“Thanks to you guys! How was I meant to bloody concentrate with you fighting and screaming in my ear! How was I meant to keep a straight face when you said those horrible, horrible things!”

Ray stared at him and Michael barely dared to look at him. There was disbelief all over his face but then it clouded over. Gavin saw it as well and he pulled shoulders up to brace himself.

“We fucking needed this deal, Gavin!”

“Oh, too fucking bad!” This time it was Gavin who took a step towards him. “You know what I fucking needed, Ray? I needed you two to have my back while I was in there! But guess what, you didn’t!”

For a moment Michael was sure Ray would hit him across the face. It was close, he knew they all held their breath and he knew he should step in, but he was lacking the strength. Instead he stood there with his arms wrapped around himself and watching with wide eyes.

“I can’t believe you blew it,” Ray mumbled and Gavin just scoffed.

“Thanks to you guys!”

“I needed you to do one little thing. One fucking thing and you failed!”

“I could have done it! I could have fucking done it and you know it!” Gavin pointed in the direction of the warehouse. “If it’s so fucking easy than you go and do it! But you can’t, you never could! Instead you let me go into danger and didn’t watch my back like you fucking said you would!”

“Oh boohoo! Baby went out there and it was dangerous!” Ray said in a mocking voice, and Gavin’s face hardened. “Welcome in the life of an active Gunslinger. Not that you know how that is!”

“You’re so full of it.” Gavin’s voice was low now, dangerous. His sunglasses sat in his hair but he might as well be wearing them.

“You just hide behind your fucking computer all day.” And where Gavin grew quieter, Ray was nearly screaming now. “We didn’t have your back? Well, too fucking bad! Taste your own fucking medicine for once!”

Gavin pressed his lips together and now Michael took a step closer.

“Ray-”

“You didn’t have Geoff’s back, did you?”

Gavin’s mask slipped and his eyes widened. Now he took a step back. “The sniper wasn’t on any cams. I couldn’t have seen them.”

“What a nice and easy explanation! You couldn’t do your job and now Geoff is dead!”

“Geoff wasn’t my guardian! It wasn’t my fucking job to protect him!” Gavin yelled back and Ray froze. They all froze, even Gavin who just looked surprise. The guilt came next, Michael could see it creep up as he realized what he had implied right here.

He took a step back from Ray and bit on his lip. “Fuck… Ray, I didn’t me-”

“Maybe my guardian is dead, maybe I couldn’t protect him,” Ray said slowly and now he was the quiet one. It made Michael shiver and he took another step ahead.

It was too late anyway.

“But at least he loved me. You wouldn’t know what that’s like.”

Gavin’s eyes snapped up and what had been left of his mask was gone. He stared at Ray as if he couldn’t believe he had crossed that line and Michael couldn’t either. And then all the insecurity, all that fear slammed back into Gavin, built up over years, and now someone had said it. Someone had confirmed his worst fear, had told him that Ryan in fact did not love him.

He looked like a lost little boy in that moment, open and vulnerable as if he just waited for Ray to deliver the final blow. Then it clouded over, his face darkening and right then and there he looked more like Ryan than he had ever before.

With a cry he shoved Ray back, hard enough that the other hit the wall hard. It wasn’t enough and Gavin hurled his arm back to deliver a blow across Ray’s jaw.

Michael could see how Ray’s face snapped to the side and finally reached out to grasp Gavin’s shoulder. Again, not fast enough.

With a grunt Ray pushed Gavin from away him and rammed his fist into his throat. Sputtering, Gavin stumbled, and Ray didn’t waste any time throwing him to the ground. He went to straddle him but Gavin caught his arm and bit.

By the way Ray reeled back it was hard and Michael could see the teeth sink into the hoodie. 

“Stop!” he cried, but Ray hit Gavin across the face, over and over again until the other let go to groan in pain.

Finally Michael grasped Ray’s shoulder tight enough and pulled away because he wouldn’t stop.

Ray struggled, tried to shake off his grip to go right back for Gavin, but Michael wrestled him down.

“Stop!” he screamed again, but Ray just shook his head.

“Fuck him! Of course you side with fucking Gavin!”

“I’m not siding with anyone!”

Gavin carefully sat up and felt his face. His cheeks was bright red and was beginning to bruise as he got to his feet. He spat a mixture of blood and saliva to the ground.

“Take your mission and stick it up your ass,” he said as he glared down to Ray. “I’m out. Get your own deal, find those guys on your own. I don’t fucking care anymore.”

“As if anyone would ever need you,” Ray grunted and Gavin just nodded as if that was the last straw. It might as well be.

“Fine. It was nice seeing you guys again.” And with that he just turned around.

Michael stared in disbelieve as Gavin just walked off and Ray also went rigid in his hold.

“Wait,” Michael said, but it was too quiet after all that fighting.

Gavin turned the corner and disappeared. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes.  
> The angst has arrived.


	5. Reclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I miss Geoff,” Ray whispered, and Michael felt a lump form in his throat.
> 
> “I miss him too,” he agreed as he wrapped his arms around his brother.

Chapter 5

Reclusion

 

When Gavin was nine years old, he had gotten sick. To be fair, it was passed around between the three of them.

Michael had woken up with a running nose and sleepy eyes, and even though Jack had quickly brought Michael into his apartment, Ray began coughing a day later.

It had been strange without the other two lads at the base, and to be honest he had been bored. So the most logical thing was for him to throw himself into his work because what else was there to do?

Also he didn’t do sick. Ryan was never sick and so Gavin wouldn’t either. He refused!

And so he ignored his itching throat and his pounding head and the feeling that he needed to cry.

It had worked about as well as one would expect and three days later he woke up and felt like he was burning up. Geoff had taken one look at him and ordered him back to bed until Ryan got him.

Gavin had felt guilty because Geoff was mad at Ryan now for not noticing sooner, but Gavin had made sure that Ryan wouldn’t notice. He tried to tell him so but his voice was rough and it hurt to talk.

Also Ryan didn’t seem mad at all. He kept throwing him glances as they drove and checked on his temperature at least five times on the way. That was nice because Ryan’s hand was cool against his flushed skin and the leather jacket was tightly wrapped around his shivering form.

The days afterwards were in strange pieces, like a dream. A strangely domestic one, because most of all there was Ryan. Ryan and him in that strangely homely apartment that just didn’t seem fit for the Vagabond. Ryan cooking for him and checking up on him.

Getting him the movies or games he wanted to have while Gavin tried to rest on the plush couch or sleep in Ryan’s bed. It was mostly Ryan who played though, and Gavin was happy with just watching, head in Ryan’s lap and a pillow pressed against his chest.

When he felt better the memories were strangely mushy as if the colors were all wrong. He couldn’t tell if some of them had really happened or were just in his head because he remembered his lamp. The lamp had stood on Ryan’s bedside table while Gavin tried to sleep. But he had coughed and coughed and coughed until Ryan had picked him up. He remembered getting carried around for what felt like hours with Ryan murmuring soft words in his ear and a strong hand on his back.

At first Ryan had sounded all funny, like he was helpless and a bit like he was close to tears but after a while he just sounded exhausted and tired. Gavin had felt the same as he watched the stars travel around the room and finally fell asleep.

When he returned to the base six days had passed in that blur and the lamp stood on his own bedside table. He didn’t know what to make of that memory.

That’s how he felt in the days after Geoff’s death. He was working in a fever dream, checking on five things at the same time while trying to get his priorities in order.

It should be easy but it wasn’t.

A big part of him wanted to find Ray. Ray who had disappeared the moment he could get back on his feet again.

Gavin should have seen it coming but he hadn’t. Ray had been nearly catatonic after they got him back to the base. He was awake, Caleb assured them of that but he didn’t act like it.

Ray kept his eyes closed and didn’t respond, didn’t even act like he heard them.

The first time Gavin had crashed after Geoff’s death, the first time he actually realized he couldn’t go on for another minute, he had stood at Ray’s bed. Michael had done it before but Gavin found it hard to tell how long ago that had been but when Gavin had seen it over the cams it seemed right.

So now he climbed into Ray’s bed and curled around him, listening to the heartbeat that seemed so far away. It reminded him in an eerie way of Michael’s coma and the fear of him not waking up again.

But Ray was alive; Ray would be fine once he healed up.

Gavin fell asleep clinging to his brother.

The second part of him, the part that had been bred by Project NEON and was too deeply rooted in his being to disappear together with the project, wanted Ryan. He wanted to keep tabs on his guardian, wanted to know where he was all the time.

Most of all he wanted to take Ryan and get him out of danger until things calmed down. That wasn’t possible; it seemed hypocritical at first even if they would later do just that.

And trying to put his foot down and ordering Ryan to stay at the base? Laughable.

So that second part of him wanted to watch over Ryan 24/7, but that wasn’t possible because of that last part, the one that felt like an open wound.

That was the part that was devoted to Geoff. That was Geoff’s puppeteer and he was pulling every string he could find, even if they tore in the process.

Dealers and crews they had worked with for years that even he thought safe were turning against them. They tried to get a piece of the pie because there was a gaping hole in Ramsey’s empire and they wanted to tear the whole thing down.

So Gavin tried to gather any defenses he could find and sat together with Jack to try and lead this whole thing.

But they were both tired and sad and sometimes Gavin felt like the only thing he could do was watch as it all crashed down beneath his hands.

It was the same like back when he had been so sick, where dream and reality had seemed like one and the same.

Geoff couldn’t be dead, right?

That had to be the dream part.

At some point Gavin realized he was just staring at one of his screens. He tried to shake himself, to snap out of it but for the longest time it didn’t work. When he finally managed to blink, he rubbed his eyes.

11 o'clock on a Wednesday the watch told him. He couldn’t tell if it was am or pm. He couldn’t tell on which day Geoff had died and if it had been just hours, days or weeks ago.

He couldn’t tell if he was hungry or thirsty or if he had just woken up or how long he had been gone.

His head was swimming and his finger were tingling all funny. When he looked down at them they looked normal but the tingling didn’t stop.

Huh.

His phone rang but that was fine. His phone rang constantly up to the point where he had actually taken that damn thing and hurled it against a wall.

Wait, how could it ring then?

He wondered over that for a while until he realized the ringing had stopped. It had been short, probably just a mail or a text message.

Still, he was pretty sure he had broken the phone.

He turned around and looked down at the shards in the corner. Yup, definitely broken.

He left it there to return back to his screens and steered at them. It had to be night because the pictures he saw were pretty dark but that could be because of a lot of things.

How had he heard a phone if his was broken?

The question jumped around in his head for a while, bouncing in the space that was empty but too full at the same time. It took a while until he fully grasped it but when he did he frowned.

That was indeed a good question. Maybe he had just heard things, a ringing in his ear would certainly not be the most surprising thing after so many days spent awake.

Still, it didn’t let him go and it took an embarrassing amount of time until he remembered his second phone. It was the important one of all things, he shouldn’t have forgotten about it.

There were only five numbers inside an- oh, he guessed he could delete one of them now.

The realization weighted heavy and he slumped a little in his chair. Geoff wouldn’t call him and he wouldn’t call Geoff anymore.

Ray hadn’t answered a single call as well.

Gavin sighed but reached for the phone. It could be Ryan even though Ryan was somewhere in the base, at least he was pretty sure.

He touched the phone and when the screen lit up he actually read Ryan at first. It was strange for Ryan to sent him a text, he usually called.

_ Ray _ stood there in bold letters with a purple heart emoji.

Gavin snapped awake. There was blood rushing through his ears and as he got to his feet there were dark spots dancing across his vision. Still, he felt more alive than in the past days, maybe weeks.

_ Ray. _

He hadn’t heard from his brother, not since the day of Geoff’s death. Not since the quick goodbye from Ray that had gone by too fast because Ray was already too late for the deal.

_ Ray! _

It was an address, Ray had sent him an address to somewhere in this city and Gavin didn’t bother waiting, he darted out of his office.

He shouldn’t be driving, he knew that. He was too exhausted, too tired and wasn’t a good driver to begin with, but that didn’t stop him from taking Michael’s motorcycle.

It was stupid because it was bright green and well known around the city but it was the fastest around.

It was dangerous to be seen with this thing now that everyone was out for their throats. It was nearly suicidal to go out on his own, let alone without anyone knowing!

He was well aware of this as he revved up the engine.

But Ray was out there, Ray wanted him to find him, and who knew how long Ray could stay where he was. Who knew when Ray would run, would slip away once again.

He was like a scared animal, backed into a corner and stripped of any fight.

Gavin wanted to bring him home.

That was the only thought that really counted as he flew down the streets. Not that it could be a trap or that people were out for his head. Who cared? Once Ryan would learn about this stunt he would be dead anyway.

But Ray-

It was a diner. Old and shabby on the side of the road. Gavin parked and bursted through the doors.

It looked like something in a movie.

The little booths were dusty and worn down, the checkerboard floor used up by too many feet. The handful of people, mostly truckers, looked up at his entrance before losing interest.

By now Gavin was gasping and he spun around, looked over the few tables for a familiar face. When he couldn’t find one he turned to the counter, to the single guy that sat there.

The man was too tall, too broad to be Ray, and still Gavin walked over with long strides until he stood next to him. Only then did the guy look up, eyes bloodshot from alcohol.

“Lookin’ for something, boy?”

It wasn’t Ray.

Gavin shook his head and turned away. His eyes searched again over the few people in here but he already knew that Ray wasn’t one of them.

Had he read the text wrong? But when he checked it was the right address and he leaned heavily against the counter.

Was he too late?

“You alright?” the man next to him slurred but there was real concern in his voice. It brought tears to Gavin’s eyes because it reminded him of Geoff and suddenly he had no energy left.

It had to have been the stranger who helped him sit down on one of the barstools, and considering how intoxicated he was, that was quite impressive. For now Gavin was just thankful as he tried to swallow the tears down.

“Who are you looking for, honey?”

There was a woman behind the counter and she also seemed to step right out of a movie. Her name was probably Trisha or Molly or Nancy but Gavin couldn’t be bothered to read the little nametag on her chest.

“Ray,” he croaked, and realized how childish that sounded. Ray was such a common name; he should show her a picture instead.

He wanted to reach for his phone but his hand shook too much. When Trisha or Molly or Nancy offered him a napkin he took it and quickly wiped his eyes.

“Sorry,” he mumbled because he had to make everything awkward, the other people in the diner were probably all staring at him. “I’m sorry, I’m just…” He trailed off, not really knowing what he was.

Hungry and sad and just so exhausted.

“I would give you a coffee or something stronger,” the woman said as she put a glass of water in front of him. “But one would be illegal and the other would probably give you a heart attack.”

“Thank you,” Gavin said quietly, and he meant it.

“Who’s Ray?” the man asked and he sounded a lot more sober now.

“My brother,” Gavin explained as he curled his hands around the water glass. “I… I lost him. I can’t find him anymore.”

He sounded like a child and in that moment he also felt like one. Lost and helpless and weak. He shouldn’t talk with those people in the first place.

“Are you Gavin?”

His head snapped up and he tensed. A trap. They knew who he was.

If the woman noticed his sharp eyes and how one hand slowly moved to his belt, she didn’t show it.

“You look nothing alike,” she continued and Gavin relaxed slightly. “I guess that’s why I didn’t realize it at first but he did say that his brother would come by today.”

What?

The man next to him laughed at his face but Gavin could just shake his head slightly, “I don’t…”

“Your name is Gavin?”

He nodded, dumbfounded as she signaled him to wait a second. While she was searching for something behind the counter, the man asked, “Did your Ray get lost?”

Turning to him, Gavin wondered if that was true.

“I think so,” he mumbled. Yeah… Ray was lost.

The man nodded but didn’t say anything, just turned back to his drink. Gavin wished he had something as well but for now he just took a sip of his water. It had been a while since he drank anything that wasn’t an energy drink.

“There you go.” The woman returned with a brown envelope and Gavin felt something tingling in his stomach.

A hint. Finally, after so long.

“He left this for you. Told me I should give it to his brother Gavin.”

And sure enough, he could see his name scribbled on the envelope. It was Ray’s handwriting.

The envelop wasn’t heavy and had already been opened before. Either because Trisha or Molly or Nancy wanted to check for anything illegal or for anything valuable. Gavin didn’t comment on it as he opened it.

There were two phones inside, older ones that nobody would bother to steal. They slipped onto the counter and Gavin stared at them. He shook the envelope in hope for a card, a slip of paper – any explanation at all but found nothing.

So he carefully put the thing down and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat as he took one of the phones in his hand.

Nothing special as far as he could tell and as he tried to start it, a message on the display asked for a code. It took him a moment but once he realized that if Ray had left those phones for him, he would want to assure Gavin that it was him, he smiled.

After all, he just had to think like Ray.

The phone unlocked once he typed in 420 and he couldn’t help but snort. Definitely Ray then.

“That’s good, right?” the woman said, and she seemed like she wanted to cheer him up. “That means your Ray’s alive.”

“It does.” Even though he had never really doubted that. Ray had run away to live, not to die.

He checked the phone over, searching for any kind of message or hint but the whole thing was empty. Only two numbers were saved and something like hope began to grow in his chest.

To stay in contact, he realized.

He dialed the first number and the second phone in front of him lit up as the call connected.  _ Yes! _

Eagerly he clicked on the second number and pressed the phone against his ear. He was aware of the man watching him; of Trisha or whatever her name was doing the same but that didn’t matter.

Ray had left him a hint, Ray wanted to meet up, for Gavin to take him home. It couldn’t be anything else!

And he couldn’t be long gone anyway, Gavin didn’t know for sure but he was pretty sure only half an hour or so had passed since he got the message. He was surely still around!

The call went straight to a mailbox and Gavin paled.

_ No! _

But maybe there was a hint there, maybe Ray had left a message and he waited with bated breath for nothing. A monotone voice told him to leave a message and the beep followed, leaving him in dead silence with nobody.

Tears shot into Gavin’s eyes because he had been so damn close! So fucking close and now Ray didn’t pick his phone up, Ray had been here and had left him with basically nothing.

What was the purpose of all that?

He realized he was just breathing heavily into the phone and let it sink. It felt too heavy to carry anyway.

“When?” he managed to get out and quickly thumbed a stubborn tear away. “When was he here? How long is he gone already?”

He could still catch him. He could find him!

The woman watched him with something like pity before she answered.

“Yesterday.”

_ No! _

“He asked me when my next shift would be and when I said it would be tonight he said his brother would come around. He said when his brother would come and ask for him, if I could give him that envelope.”

Yesterday? That meant Ray could be wherever, could already be halfway across the globe. He hadn’t want to be found, he hadn’t even giving him a fucking chance to do so!

Gavin felt himself grow sick but he managed to nod.

He slipped from the bar stool and felt a hand steadying him. He was a bit glad for that because his sight was all blurry.

“Thank you,” he mumbled and stuffed the phones back into the envelope.

“Be sure to find him, honey,” Trisha or Molly or Nancy said. “He didn’t look too good.”

Gavin swallowed heavily.

“I’ll try.”

He pressed the envelope against his chest before stumbling out of the diner. In the end he managed to get to the parking lot before he sat down heavily and leant his back against the bike. His breath was going heavy and his hand shook and he knew he shouldn’t drive like this.

It had to mean something, right? Ray wouldn’t just leave them phones for nothing.

He reached for his own one and swiped the message away. He didn’t want to see it right now. Instead he went to call Ryan to pick him up but then hesitated.

Not only would Ryan be pissed, he would also want to know why he was out here. Gavin didn’t want him to know about the phones.

So instead he called Michael and tried to get his voice under control but once the other picked up the phone, Gavin felt himself slip.

“Michael,” he sobbed and could nearly see how Michael sat up straight. “Can you p-please come and get me? Ray di- Ray h-has-“ 

He broke off into sharp gasps curling into himself because he couldn’t find Ray and Ray didn’t want to be found even though it should be Gavin’s job. He should keep tabs on his crew, he should keep them together but he couldn’t, he had failed and he wanted Ray, wanted him to be back so that they could all be together again.

He must have told Michael the address even though he couldn’t remember doing so but his brother appeared a couple minutes later.

They sat down together and while Gavin tried to get through the story with hitching breath and running nose, Michael took the other phone in his hand.

They sat close enough that their shoulders were touching, a single warm point of contact on this parking lot and so he could feel Michael shake as he tried to call Ray, over and over again. More than once he opened his mouth when he got through to the mailbox but never said something.

“This has a purpose,” he said in the end as he stared down at the phone in his hand. “We have to keep them a secret. Ray wanted us to get those. I bet he will call soon, it can’t be that much longer!”

It took 8 months until that very same phone would ring.

 

* * *

 

Michael followed Ray like he was in a daze. It was in complete silence, neither of them saying a thing and Michael was a bit glad for that. What happen, all those horrible words, were still running through his mind and with each loop his head began to hurt more.

He reached up to touch his temple where the bullet had hit him and grimaced.

“We don’t need him,” Ray blurted out suddenly and Michale nearly jumped. He hadn’t realized that they were back at the apartment but Ray impatiently unlocked the door.

“If he can't pull his weight we don’t need him. I bet I got the right guys and now we just need to find them. What would we need him for?”

He marched into the apartment and left Michael at the threshold.

“We can just steal some explosives anyway,” Ray continued. “We can just… it doesn’t even matter. We just  _take_ them! Who cares anyway.”

“Ray,” Michael said softly but was promptly ignored.

“He was always the weak link, always needed our protection. I don’t need him, why would I? I can use a computer on my own.”

Ray was babbling now and Michael closed the door as he followed him inside. They were lies, Ray just said those things to assure himself, to make himself believe his own words.

“Ray,” he called again and found his brother by the bed. Ray was breathing heavily, his face flushed from Gavin’s punch and fake anger as he reached for the lamp on the bedside table.

“Don’t!” Michael grasped his wrist and twisted it to get Ray to turn around. 

“He won’t come back anyway! He didn’t care for this stupid lamp back then, why would he now?” Ray snapped again but he couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“We have to find him!”

“No!” Ray cried out and tried to shake Michael off.

“Yes,” Michael replied and at least tried to keep his voice calm. “He didn’t have a gun with him and he’s walking around like before.”

“I don’t care!”

“People will recognize him!”

“I don’t care!”

“He will get hurt! Gavin will get hurt, Ray!”

_ “I don’t care!” _ Ray screamed into his face and ripped his hand free. 

In a flare of anger Michael caught both of his arms and pinned them to the wall. Ray struggled but once he found he couldn’t free himself, he tried to kick him. Michael quickly pressed his body against his, effectively keeping him immobilized.

“Don’t say that,” he grunted because Ray was fighting him, trying to shake him off. He wouldn't let him.

“Let me go!” Ray shouted. “If you want to find Gavin then go! Fucking go! As if I need you!”

“You do,” Michael said, and this time he knew it was true. Ray looked so desperate, his jerking movements weak. “You need me and Gavin.”

“I do not! I need neither of y-”

“You need u-” 

Ray cried out and crashed his forehead against Michael’s. A flash of pain went through his head, strong enough to make his knees weak, but he held onto Ray, didn’t allow him to escape.

“Asshole,” he said fondly, and leaned a bit back as Ray tried again. He forced Ray’s arms up until he could hold both wrists in one hand, his free hand going down to grasp Ray’s chin and keep him from biting.

“You need us,” he repeated and Ray all but bared his teeth.

It hurt, he couldn’t deny it. Ray had always been the smallest, his baby brother, but now he felt so far away even though they were pressed together. Those horrible words, Michael knew it were ones that Ray had told himself before.

That he could do this on his own, that he didn’t need anyone. And still he had called.

That most of anyone gave him the strength to not listen, to push those words away. He had been weak before, he couldn’t be now.

“I love you,” he said and Ray went rigid. He tried to look away but Michael didn’t let him, his hand tightening around his chin. “I love you, Ray.”

“Fuck you.” It was weak, nearly laughable.

“Nothing you say can change that.”

“Fuck you!” Ray cried out but Michael saw how tears shot into his eyes. “I don’t need you! I never did!”

“Why did you call me then? Why did you ask me and Gavin to come back?”

Ray hesitated, his eyes wide in shock as if he had never thought about it this way. He licked his lips, his eyes darting around in search for something before they narrowed.

“You just left!” Ray said slowly. “Geoff died and you all disappeared! Just packed your bags and lef-”

“No,” Michael interrupted him and now he was staring to get pissed because that hadn’t been what happened. “You left first, Ray! You vanished before anyone else!”

“I-”

“I searched day and night for you! I searched this city up and down! Gavin didn’t sleep for weeks to fucking find you!”

“If you wanted to find me you would have!” Ray screamed and that was too much.

Michael slammed Ray’s head against the wall and dug his fingers in, ignoring the wince he got. “I wanted to fucking find you! I wanted nothing more than that!”

“Bulls-”

“I went against my guardian’s order to search for you! I went and left Jack behind for hours, knowing that everyone was after his head, after  _my_ head! And still I went through each fucking shady alleyway, searched in each club or bar or safehouse! Do you have any idea how many people I killed? How many people tried to kill  _ me ?” _

Ray glared at him but at least stopped talking back. Good, because Michael wasn’t sure if he could control himself.

“Not only me! Ryan tortured them, tried to get them to talk because they might have had you. Because we feared someone had snatched you up, after all you still had a fresh wound! Jack sent any men out he could, fuck, he sent even more out than he should have! All to find you!”

Ray just continued to glare at him and Michael wanted nothing more than to shake him until he made sense again.

“I couldn’t-” Ray finally began but stopped himself. He bit onto his lip but Michael just waited patiently, knew that neither of them would go anywhere right now. 

“I couldn’t just return and act like nothing had happened.”

“Nobody expected you to.”

“I couldn’t stay. Not when Geoff was gone.”

“We would have tried to help, Ray,” Michael assured him but Ray just shook his head.

“I knew that. It wasn’t- that wasn’t the reason, I just…” He hesitated again, frowned over his own words but Michael gave him enough time to catch his thoughts. He knew that Ray wasn’t good with words.

“It was his world,” Ray finally mumbled. “This city, this crew… it was all Geoff’s world and he just… just allowed me to see it. He showed me his world and his dream and… and for a while I was allowed to live in there. I couldn’t watch it all go down in flames. I couldn’t watch everything he had worked so hard for just fall apart. It was like losing him all over again.”

“Ray,” Michael said softly. He let the other go and took a step away. The fight was over, the anger for now gone, but it was still there. Michael knew a thing or two about anger and he could see that this went too deep to just disappear.

If Ray was angry at himself or Geoff or the whole damn world, he didn’t know. For now it had dimmed down enough and he allowed Ray’s arms to fall back down.

And sure enough Ray didn’t run away, didn’t try to hurt him, he just… just kinda stood there.

His eyes were staring past Michael and he could see how they filled with tears again as Ray leaned heavily against the wall.

“Gavin…” he began slowly. “Gavin said that Geo-”

“He didn’t mean it,” Michael interrupted him. “You know that, right? Gavin was pissed at us and he had every right to be. We both know his mouth is faster than his brain.”

Ray nodded slowly and Michael carefully pried a little further, “You also didn’t mean what you said.”

When Ray nodded again, a weighted lifted from Michael's chest. Thank God. Ray had said such horrible things and had cut too deep. Of course, he knew all the places and words that would hurt the most.

Now Ray shifted and carefully leaned his forehead against Michael’s shoulder. It was a single, feverish warm point of contact between them.

“I miss Geoff,” Ray whispered, and Michael felt a lump form in his throat.

“I miss him too,” he agreed as he wrapped his arms around his brother. Ray moved easily into the embrace, just hanging limply in his arms as if he wanted to soak the affection up.

Michael let him take as much as he needed and just held him for a while. Ray felt just like a bag of bones, too tightly wrapped together and ready to shake apart.

Leaning his head against Ray’s hair, Michael also closed his eyes.

He could feel Ray mouth the word  _sorry_ against his shoulder and just nodded.

“It’s okay. Everything is alright.”

“Is it?” Ray asked and what a good question that was.

“We’ll make it alright,” Michael assured him and squeezed him tight. “I’ll fucking make sure of it, okay? We just… we get Gavin and Gavin will find who did this. You and me go in and take them out.”

“I want to kill every single one of them,” Ray whispered fiercely. “I want to take them apart limb by limb.”

Michael closed his eyes at the raw anger in Ray’s voice. “I know.”

“They took Geoff away from me.”

“I know.”

Ray nodded once and Michael sighed.

“After tha-”

“Stop,” Ray interrupted him and craned his head until he could peer up to Michael. His eyes were red but Michael couldn’t tell if he had really cried or not. “Don’t go there.”

“Why not?”

The other just continued to watch him as if it was obvious but Michael refused. This time the bond could fuck itself, he didn’t want to know what Ray thought.

“Jack would gladly have y-”

“Michael no.”

“Then Ryan! As if I fucking care!” But that wasn’t it. He wanted Ray right beside him from now on. He wouldn’t allow anyone to break them apart again, not even Jack.

Ray just sighed and leaned his head back against Michael’s chest. Ducking down, Michael pressed a firm kiss against Ray’s hair. It was enough to make his brother finally move and wrap his arms around his middle, holding on so desperately.

The anger was already coming back, he could feel it brood in the space between them, slowly feeding on the warmth there. As if Ray was now angry to be reminded of how it had been before, when a hug was more of a daily ritual and Geoff would always drop kisses on his head.

As if Ray was angry at him for bringing those memories back.

It didn’t matter, Michael just held on tighter like he could smother the anger and hatred that was too big for such a small body.

When he finally managed to get Ray to lay down, he had his back turned to him, apparently determined to not look at him but that was fine. Michael just laid behind him, closer than necessary and stroked through the dark hair.

The boy didn’t fight it but also didn’t lean into it like Gavin would.

Gavin – he should actually be out there searching for him, but he couldn’t just leave Ray alone like this, not when he was this vulnerable.

So he had texted Gavin but for now the other hadn’t read it.

For a moment he wondered if Gavin would really go away, take the next flight and go back to Ryan. Or probably just ask Ryan to get him.

It was a possibility for sure but Michael doubted it.

Either Gavin would lay down low in a hotel for now, show up here at some point or if he was stupid – and Michael was the first to admit that Gavin could be a downright idiot once he was in any emotional situation – he would go out there to drink himself silly.

They weren’t kids anymore, right? Gavin would lay down low for sure, not risk anything.

Yeah… that had to be it.

When a knock followed, he sighed inwardly. Thank God.

He ignored how Ray stiffened and he would also ignore how Gavin wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes. Instead he got up and opened the door wordlessly.

It felt like getting kicked in the balls.

“What the fuck?” Michael blurted out because okay, Ray had punched Gavin in the face and that surely explained the angry red spot on his cheek but not the bloody nose, the fresh scratches or his partly ripped clothes.

Gavin brushed past him and Michael let him in silently, following along as he entered the main room.

“Your explosives are ready by tomorrow afternoon,” Gavin said. “You will get a message with the exact address after midnight.”

Ray had lifted his head by now and outright stared at Gavin. Now he bit his lip and with a short nod, he laid back down and turned his back to them.

“You went back there?” Michael snapped at Gavin and grabbed his arm.

“I said I would get the explosives, so I did,” Gavin told him. His voice sounded a bit nasal and he reached up to wipe the blood from underneath his nose.

“All alone? We didn’t even know where yo-“

“Went way better than if you have two people screaming in your ear. Shocking.”

“Doesn’t fucking look like it went any better!” Michael seized him and forced him to turn around so that he could take a look at the damage. “What did they fucking do to you?”

“Gotta keep them happy somehow,” Gavin said easily, but Michael picked up on the shakiness of his voice. It made something curl in his stomach, a horrifying thought and his grip tightened.

“Did they touch you?” he whispered and Gavin threw him a funny look.

“No, I did this myself. You think they got some telepathic thing going?”

“No, I meant-”

He trailed off but Gavin’s eyes widened. He pulled himself free and took a step back to glare at him.

“They did not! What do you think I did? Went back there and… and gave them my body or something like that? What the fuck?”

Michael shrugged a little helplessly and Gavin huffed in annoyance. It made blood fly from his nose.

“I’m not a fucking whore!”

“Would at least be something you’d be good at,” Ray called from the bed without even look up. It was such a desperate attempt to hurt that it didn’t fuel the fight, it defused it and Michael could see how Gavin relaxed a little. He had turned away to watch Ray now with a funny little look but didn’t comment on it.

Only when Michael brushed against his hand did he turn back around and tried himself on a smile. “They just found it funny to throw Ramsey’s puppeteer around a little. I guess they figured Ryan wasn’t around otherwise they’d shit their pants.”

He shrugged. “We got the explosives now, don’t we?”

“If they deliver,” Michael mumbled.

“They will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess at least they are back together? Yay?


	6. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re playing a very dangerous game, Ray.”

Chapter 6

Relapse

 

When Gavin woke up, he felt stiff. His side pulsed where a boot had dug in once he had made the mistake of allowing his knees to give in. As long as he had been standing, there had at least been some kind of dignity left even if those two guys had rained down blow after blow.

Once had hit the ground he had curled up like a little child and that surely hadn’t been part of the plan.

Still, all in all he had come out of it just fine. They could have been way worse, and maybe he had been so mad at Michael for even thinking he would let those lowlifes touch him because for a while he had feared it would end up like that.

Now as he woke up in bed with a familiar warmth in his back, he still felt sick to his stomach at the thought.

At least it was over.

He groaned a little before pushing himself up and looking around.

He was back in Ray’s apartment, and for a funny moment he nearly called it home. The other two were still asleep, Ray curled at the edge of the bed, ready to fall out any second, and Michael in between them.

Somehow the word home fit, even if it was in all the wrong ways.

He got up and instantly made a beeline for the computer. He was through with Ray’s files and was now connecting the dots, checking some other sources even though he was pretty sure he had found everyone. 

He just wasn't ready to tell Ray yet.

On the other hand he knew they had to hurry. In the next couple days Ryan or Jack would stand in front of the door, if not both.

It could actually be that they were already in the city and trying to pin them down. Before they could, they had to finish this here.

The three of them had started this, so they would also finish it.

He nodded to himself as he began to open the files but then hesitated.

He missed Ryan. He missed him with a stupid intensity because it had been forever since they had been separated for more than a single day and even then they could at least call or text each other.

Now Ryan seemed so far away and Gavin was a bit scared that he had done something so stupid that Ryan wouldn't forgive him.

It reminded him of yesterday, of what Ray had said. The implication alone that Ryan didn’t love him, never had and never would had hit too deep because Gavin had never managed to shake of that doubt.

A part of him knew that Ray didn’t mean it, that Ray had just said it to lash out after Gavin had hurt him, and still, Gavin couldn’t believe that he had crossed the line.

To be fair he had crossed the line first. He hadn’t want to say what he had said, he had just been pissed and once it left his mouth, he already wanted to take it back.

Fuck, yesterday had truly been a mess.

Leaning back in the chair, he winced as it tugged on his bruised up side. Fuck, a year ago he had probably just shaken this off but he had grown soft over time. Or rather a year ago that wouldn’t have fucking happened because Ryan would have watched over him like a hawk.

Things surely had changed.

So he instead threw himself into work to forget all about it and after a few minutes he found his pace again and typed away. It was somehow therapeutic even if it included delving deeper and deeper into Geoff’s death. Maybe he had grown desensitized over time, after all he had seen his death in every possible angle before, if only to catch a glimpse of a hint that didn't come.

A mug of steaming hot tea was placed next to him and he smiled. “Thanks, Rye!”

He froze once he realized his own words and turned around. It was Ray, not Ryan - of course, how could it be?

Ray watched him thoughtfully and Gavin turned back to the mug. Was it Ray’s way of apologizing?

Truthfully, he hadn’t expected anything from him. Ray wasn’t someone to say sorry and Gavin had long since accepted that. If it was for him they could have just go ahead and forget the whole deal. Of course Michael wouldn’t let them, but he really hadn’t seen it coming from Ray.

But then Ray laid something next to the mug, a small, nearly clear pill.

“I want you to take this.”

“What’s that?”

“It helps you focus,” Ray explained and Gavin took the pill into his hand. “Gets rid of tiredness and allows you to work for hours without break.”

“A smart drug,” Gavin said once he understood. “You want me to get high?”

“You wouldn't get high. It’s not one of those.” He nodded towards the pill. “Take it.”

“Just tell me if you think I am not working fast enough.”

“Fine. You are not working fast enough, not if we want to get done by the end of the week,” Ray said. “Now do it. I want to see you swallow it.”

“Fuck you,” Gavin told him pointedly. 

“That wasn’t a question.”

With a frown Gavin stood and was quite happy of the couple of inches he was taller than Ray. “How many of those have you taken lately?"

Ray pressed his lips together but Gavin waited patiently.

“Not a lot,” Ray finally mumbled. “Even with those I couldn’t get any further.”

“So what else do you take? Or were you a good boy and stick to your weed all this time?”

“None of your fucking business!”

“Aggression is a sign of withdrawal. Sudden shifts of moods as well,” Gavin explained gladly and Ray’s eyes widened a little. They darted over to Michael as if to check if he was still asleep.

“Damn right he would kick your ass. So what is it?”

“I’m not addicted,” Ray said very slowly. “I can’t- I wouldn’t. I still need to find the one’s who killed Geoff. Can’t risk going stupid.”

And Gavin actually believed that. He looked down at the pill in his hand and realized that Ray had used it to be better, to find out who did it.

Still, he didn’t doubt that there was more funny pills around here as long as they also helped in some way.

“You’re playing a very dangerous game, Ray.”

Ray’s eyes darted back to him and there was a glint in them as if he tried to pull himself back together, to detach himself again.

“It doesn’t matter. Not if we get done by the end of the week.” He nodded towards the PC. “So you better get to w-”

“What is so special about the end of the week?” Gavin interrupted him. “I checked. It’s not Geoff’s birthday or the date of his death. Certainly not our birthdays either. I can’t find anything about that day that’s significant in any way. Or is it just that in your head you can only make it til the end of the week? That that’s your own fucking deadline?”

Ray huffed and he couldn’t quite look at him. Gavin took this as a sign to step closer and lower his voice.

“What about next week, Ray? What’s your plan for that?” He didn't wait for an answer he knew wouldn't come. “There’s nothing, right. There’s nothing past the moment you sink that last bullet in the fucking last head.”

Ray swallowed heavily and took a step back. Gavin quickly reached out to snatch his wrist and stop him from retreating further. The pill fell from his hand and rolled over the floor, the only noise besides them.

“If our guardians die and we survive the protocol wants us to go back to the project. That isn’t possible anymore so you made your own little protocol. To get revenge, right? You would hunt this guys down no matter what. Even if it took a decade that doesn't matter. But after that?”

Gavin tried to catch Ray’s eyes but the other made it hard, was avoiding him with ease. “What does your protocol say after that? Is there a little footnote about that? I bet there is, Ray. I bet you would never under any circumstance tell us about it, right?”

He let him go and Ray went to rub his wrist. It was mostly for defense, Gavin hadn’t hurt him.

“We won’t let you,” Gavin said quietly. “You know that, that’s why you make such a fuss about it. We won’t let you do that, Ray.”

“This isn't your decision to make,” Ray whispered, barely loud enough for Gavin to catch.

“I’ll make it my bloody decision then.”

Ray’s eyes darted up to him and now there was something fierce and sharp in them. 

“You won’t,” he said. Slowly, carefully. “I won’t let you.”

“Watch me.”

“I’ll disappear again.”

“Then I’ll find you.”

“You couldn’t last time, what makes you think you can this time?”

“I will find you,” Gavin simply said. “I won’t let this happen again.”

Ray continued to watch him, his eyes narrowed a little before he gave a sharp little nod. “If you think so. Try your best then.”

He turned away and marched into the bathroom. Gavin watched him go and only slowly noticed how hard his heart was beating. His mouth was all dry and funny and he tried hard to swallow.

When Ray returned he was still standing right there and his brother just threw him a short glance.

“Going out and getting the explosives.”

“They said in the afternoon.”

With a shrug, Ray slipped into his sneakers and was out of the door before Gavin could so much as open his mouth.

Somehow he expected the other to return a minute later, having gotten some fresh air and they would really talk. Sit down with all three of them and discuss this, something they hadn’t yet done.

That wouldn’t happen, Gavin knew that. At least not  with Ray, because for now Ray’s plan was to charge through this and then nothing. A black expanse of nothingness he was looking forward to.

Gavin let himself fall into the chair and took a big breath.

His hands were shaking, he could watch them and that was fine. At least Ray was gone now. If he had showed any weakness just a couple minutes before, Ray would have noticed and had attacked. But he wouldn’t show any more weakness now. If Ray needed tough love he would get it because there was still the old Ray left, he could see him right underneath that damn mask, that Poltergeist.

A lost little boy who still hadn’t allowed himself to mourn. All Gavin had to do was to glance at the tea that stood next to the keyboard.

He reached out and even before he took the first sip he knew it was done exactly how he had always prefered it.

He drank the whole thing to calm down, to think and his eyes found the pill on the floor. Bending down, he picked it up and watched it for a while.

When he was done, he placed the mug down and the pill next to it. He got up and sat down on the bed where Michael was still blissfully asleep. It took a while to work up the courage because Michael was breathing so softly, tangled in the sheets and at first Gavin didn’t want to wake him.

But then he reached out to shake him gently and the lids flew up, warm eyes finding him.

“Gav?”

“Morning,” he said lightly and began to card his hand through the thick curls. “I think we need to talk.”

“Where’s Ray?”

“Went out to get the explosives.”

“But it’s-”

“Way too early, I know.” Gavin fell silent, gave Michael the chance to wake up fully before he took a deep breath. “He wants to die. We all know it, we all feel it.”

Michael shivered beneath him but didn’t bother talking back. Gavin wondered if they both had known it once they laid eyes on Ray or even sooner, the moment Michael had heard his voice over the phone after all this time.

“I won’t let him,” Michael finally announced and his hands tightened around the sheets. Something fierce and protective came over him and Gavin loved him for that.

“Me neither,” he told him. They fell silent and Gavin let his head fall back until it hit the wall. Michael shifted a little until his head was in his lap and Gavin continued to run his hand through his hair.

Now that he had said it, he felt both better and worse. A little part of him had hoped that Michael would laugh at him, would tell him he was seeing things.

But no, Michael had felt the same as him.

How could they change it though? How could they stop him from disappearing again after everything was said and done?

“Have you already found who did it?” Michael asked after a while and Gavin nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t tell him yet.”

“I won’t, but he will get reckless.”

“We just have to take the hits.” Michael turned until he could look up to him. “He said some horrible things yesterday.”

“He didn’t mean it,” Gavin assured him. “He’s just lashing out because he’s wearing thin.”

“I won’t lose him again,” Michael mumbled and sat up enough to wrap his arms around Gavin’s middle. “I won’t lose anyone anymore.”

Gavin was quick to return the embrace, and maybe he held too tight, but in that moment he felt hopelessly scared. 

“How?” he asked quietly. “Ray wants to be done by the end of this week and yeah, maybe we can get a couple more days out but he’s not stupid, Michael.”

“I know.”

“Also what about Ryan and Jack? It’s only a matter of days until they get here if they aren’t already.”

“They could help,” Michael said but it sounded doubtfully.

Gavin also shook his head.

“We started it, so we finish it. Ray wouldn't accept them around, not for this.” And they couldn’t rub it under his nose that their guardians were still alive. Like this they could at least play pretend that they were the same, that it were just the three of them.

“We’ll figure something out,” Michael promised and pressed his face against Gavin’s chest. “We gotta.”

“Okay.” Gavin squeezed him tight one more time before taking a deep breath. “Help me with something.”

And so they took apart the apartment, room by room. They searched every corner and every nook. What they found they placed on the kitchen table and Gavin felt sick by the assortment of pills and powder and fuck, even syringes. 

And where he grew concerned, Michael grew quiet. There was a silent furiosity about his every move, how he yanked the bedside table from the wall or how he threw the few clothes Ray owned onto the ground to check on the wardrobe.

When they were done, Gavin felt weak.

There was just too much, he hadn’t thought it would be that many. He had believed Ray when he told him he wasn’t addict but now he wasn’t all too sure anymore.

Sure, one of those was probably his medication for the seizures but the others?

Michael sat next to him on the bed, quietly fuming as he shook apart. His hands were curling and uncurling.

It’s been quite a while since he’d seen him that angry.

“You need to calm down,” he told him. “You can’t just jump down his throat the moment he comes in.”

“Geoff would,” Michael said and that made Gavin shut up.

Yeah.

Geoff would.

When he heard Ray’s steps coming up the hallway, he tensed. Taking a deep breath, he watched as Michael got up to greet Ray as he opened the door.

“You got the stuff?” he heard him ask. From here he couldn’t see the entrance and quickly wiped his hands on the sheets.

“Yeah. Should be more than enough.”

The door clicked shut and then Ray turned the corner.

They hadn’t bothered cleaning up behind themselves and once he saw the mess on the floor, his eyes flitted to Gain.

Ah, you ratted me out, his gaze seemed to say and then his face grew hard. He took a step back but Michael was already behind him and grasped his shoulders.

“What’s that supposed to be?” Ray asked slowly. “Some kind of intervention?”

“Depends on you.”

“Ray,” Gavin began softly. “You said you weren’t addicted to that stuff.”

“I am not.”

“Then you surely wouldn’t mind if we throw them away,” Michael said. His voice was still calm but carefully controlled.

Ray just shrugged and Gavin relaxed. Oh thank God. Oh, Ray wasn’t addicted, Ray hadn’t lied.

Only that Michael wasn’t buying it. He steered Ray towards the kitchen and Gavin followed slowly, watched as Michael showed him their haul on the table.

“We are going to throw all of that away.”

“Do it,” Ray said and shrugged once more. “Listen, I know that looks bad and everything but I am really not…” He stopped and hesitated. “I tried some things, okay? I just… sometimes when I didn’t feel alright I would… yeah, I would take something. But I stopped.”

“You sure?”

“I am sure, Michael.”

Michael’s posture relaxed as well and Gavin took a deep breath.

“I don’t appreciate you going through my stuff again though,” Ray added slowly, but if there was any heat behind those words, Gavin didn’t notice.

Actually, now that he thought about it he wondered if Ray had expected this to happen. After all he had shown him the drugs first, had left him alone afterwards and given him opportunity to search for more.

Huh.

Gavin frowned a little and hung a bit back as Michael squeezed Ray’s shoulder. What if Ray did this to calm them down, to show that he was willing to cooperate?

If they were right, and they were, and Ray didn’t care about what happened to him after this week, if a part of him was actually searching for a way to die… he wouldn’t need those drugs anymore. And allowing them to throw them away would make them relax because it showed that Ray was willing to better himself, right?

Gavin bit on his lip, unsure about himself.

What if he was just seeing things though? If Ray was telling the truth and he didn’t look addicted, right? Besides the anger and the mood swings Gavin hadn’t seen any signs towards an addiction and really, with all the stress and pressure Ray was on a little aggression and mood swings were to be expected.

Maybe Ray had shown him and given him the opportunity in a hope to be saved.

So he instead kept his mouth shut, but he would watch real close.

“You sure?” Michael asked with a hand hovering over their haul.

Gavin had zoned out a little, had missed the conversation between Ray and Michael, but Michael seemed happier, almost relieved and Gavin also allowed himself to smile.

It wasn’t as bad.

“It’s fine,” Ray agreed. “Just leave me those.” He pointed to a little bottle but when Michael stiffened, he quickly backpedaled. “They are for my seizures.”

Only that they weren’t.

Gavin had watched Ray take his medication more than enough times over the past years and those were not the right pills and he bloody doubted that Ray went out there in this past months and looked for alternative medication.

He bloody doubted that Ray took his medication at all since Geoff had died.

Michael took the pill bottle but made no move to give it to Ray. He completely ignored Ray’s outstretched hand as he read the little label in concentration.

Gavin doubted that Michael remembered the name of the pills, he had forgotten way more important things than that but he continued to stare at it. He wanted to believe Ray, Gavin realized but just a few seconds later Michael’s eyes darted to him and Gavin slowly shook his head.

Before Gavin could feel truly guilty and before Michael’s face could cloud in anger, Ray charged.

What his goal was, Gavin wasn’t sure, because Michael easily avoided him and held him back by his shoulder. Still Ray reached for the bottle but Michael just held it over his head.

He had done this as a child as well, controllers or phones or toys. Out of reach for the smaller boys, at least until Gavin had grown nearly a head taller than the other two.

But it had been fun because they would jump on Michael and climb up like little monkeys. 

Now Michael just pushed Ray back.

“Wha-“

“Not those!” Ray demanded and still held his hands out like he actually believed Michael would hand it over.

But Michael just stared at him and his surprise faded as quickly as his anger came back.

“You tried to trick us!” he snapped and Gavin felt his heart sink.

Ray charged again but this time Michael shoved him hard enough back until he hit the counter.

Michael rushed past him and out of the kitchen towards the bathroom. Only a moment later Ray started to run after him, probably to jump into his back, but this time Gavin wrapped his arms around him.

“Stop!”

But Ray didn’t listen and just dragged him along. Gavin felt how his socked feet slid over the ground even though he was throwing his whole weight against it.

Michael didn’t even stop to look, he threw the door to the bathroom open and Ray all but roared. His elbow shot out and hit Gavin right in the chest. Winded he fell down next to the bed and was just in time to see how Ray pulled his gun out to aim it at Michael.

Everything grew very, very silent at that.

From where he kneeled, Gavin couldn’t see Ray’s expression but Michael’s so much clearer. The anger drained from his face and left behind a blank mask which Gavin had maybe seen on Ryan before but certainly not on Michael.

It scared him a little, even more so when Michael didn’t freeze and just held the little pill bottle over the open toilet.

“Don’t,” Ray said calmly. “Give them to me.”

“No.”

“Michael, don’t make me-“

“Don’t make you do what?” Michael asked and stepped closer. Ray’s feet inched backwards but he stood his ground until Michael leaned forward and let his forehead rest against the muzzle of the gun.

“Come on, Ray,” he said nearly mockingly. “Two time’s a charm.”

“Just give me the pills, Michael.” And where Michael was calm, Ray’s voice shook and trembled. His hand did as well, Gavin was pretty sure if Michael wouldn’t be pinning the gun it would be all over the place.

Gavin stared at them, his heart in his throat but now he swallowed and forced himself to speak, “What are those pills, Ray? Why this one?”

Because he still didn’t want to believe that Ray was addicted and he was so sure that he wasn’t. There had to be another explanation.

But for now Ray just stood there, the hand not holding the gun curled into a tight fist and his jaw locked. He didn’t let the gun sink just stood frozen in place as if he expected Michael to back down. Gavin was pretty sure they would stand here for quite a while until that would happen.

Finally Ray took a deep breath and slowly let it out again. They were all waiting and not even Gavin dared to sit up fully in case it would disturb him.

“They help me sleep,” Ray managed to say. It sounded like he was forcing the words out through his clenched teeth, like he had to fight through each syllable.

“Sleeping pills?” Gavin asked but it was Michael who just scoffed.

“You really think we will believe that?”

“They make me dream. Make me remember,” Ray said quietly. His hand uncurled and he reached for the bottle. “Please.”

And Michael hesitated because memory was a touchy subject for him, because even though he had gotten way better, he still forgot, was still missing junks of the past. His eyes flitted to the bottle, then back to Ray.

“Help you remember what?” Gavin asked softly. They all knew the answer to that but he wanted to hear it. He was pretty sure that this was the one thing Ray wouldn’t dare to lie about.

“Geoff,” Ray brought out. “They make me see him again.”

Gavin could feel a lump form in the back of his throat and he could see how Michael paled as well. He took a step back and Ray didn’t move to correct his aim. It wouldn’t have helped because the gun was helplessly shaking.

“Please,” Ray asked again, his other hand still outstretched and Michael swallowed loudly.

“For the gun.”

Ray nodded wildly and lowered the gun. Michael quickly snatched it from his hand and for a heartbeat Gavin was sure he would still throw the pills away. But then he carefully laid it in Ray’s palm and a trembling laugh escaped Ray.

“Thanks. Thank you, Michael.”

He quickly retreated as if he expected Michael to change his mind again but before he could hurry out of the apartment, Gavin sat up enough to catch his hand.

“Please stop running away from us,” he begged, and Ray stared down to him with scared eyes as if he’d forgotten Gavin was still with them.

“Please stay,” Gavin added and gently tugged at the other. Ray didn’t move, just pressed the bottle against his chest like he feared Gavin would take it from him.

He didn’t give a damn about those pills. He just wanted to bloody help!

“Ray…” He was surprised himself by how thin his own voice sounded and if Ray tried he could easily escape his grasp but as he tugged once more, Ray crumpled to the floor next to him. They fell together easily even if Ray still guarded the bottle as he buried his face in Gavin’s neck but that was alright. It was alright because Gavin just wrapped his arms tightly around him and tangled their legs so that it would be impossible for Ray to run away.

For a long while neither of them talked or moved, the loudest noise was Ray’s labored breath as he tried to get himself back under control. Gavin rubbed his back and nuzzled his hair but he wasn’t quite sure if it was helping.

Michael was the first to shake the lethargy off and went past them into the kitchen. He returned shortly after, hands full of the other pills and began to flush them down the toilet.

Gavin watched him in silence and Ray’s hand curled around the pill bottle until it dug into his side. Besides that he made no move to stop Michael and Gavin was more than just relieved.

When Michael went to get the second haul, Gavin began to hum. It was more instinct than anything else but for now instinct had always served the three of them well and even now he could feel Ray relax against him.

Ray was like a light, warm weight against him, his free hand grasping his shirt like he feared slipping off. So Gavin held tighter, rocking them a little as he sang his own lullaby.

Only when Michael stepped out of the bathroom did he stop and looked up to him. There were unshed tears in Michael’s eyes but not in his voice as he said, “You think if we take a dump in there now it will be the world’s most expensive piece of shit?”

It was Ray who snorted the loudest and Gavin couldn’t help but grin at that.

“We should wait until it becomes a diamond.”

“Fair enough.”

He let himself fall on Ray’s other side and sandwiched him in between the two of them. Next he tugged the blanket from the bed and Gavin helped him to wrap it around them. Not that it was cold, it was Los Santos after all, but it was more comfortable.

Ray even lifted his head slightly and just leaned against Gavin’s shoulder instead of hiding.

“I didn’t even try most of it,” he said after a while. “Sometimes it just helped not to think at all but most I just used for… you know.”

“Help you work harder?” Gavin tried to help along and Ray just shrugged.

“That as well. Sometimes to calm down and things like that.”

“You shouldn’t do that,” Gavin chided him softly and Ray just scoffed.

“Why not? Because it’s bad to alter my body and my brain with chemicals? Welcome to our childhood.”

Gavin chuckled unamused and pried Ray’s hand from his shirt. There was a thick new scar in his palm that Gavin didn’t recognized and he thumbed at it like that would make it go away.

“How did that happen?”

“I don’t know anymore,” Ray admitted.

Gavin continued to play with his fingers, cut and scarred and calloused, worn down from too many fights. He even got up to search for his own lotion before he dropped back into their nest.

“Really?” Ray asked amused but didn’t stop him as he took his hand again.

“Of course. You and Michael were always horrible with that. Your skin feels like freaking sandpaper.”

“I don’t want that strange girly hands that you’ve got.”

“My hands are not girly, they just don’t hurt like shit and you can’t pull the skin off,” Gavin protested as he began to rub the lotion into his skin.

Ray gave a soft hum before letting his head hit the bed behind them.

“Geoff used to do that,” he said after a while. “There was lotion in the mirror cabinet at his apartment. It smelled really nice but I'd never admit that. But after each mission he would make sure I used it. Always told him I wouldn’t use it if I ever found out he took it to jerk off.” He shrugged. “At least I know that Gavin didn’t use it for that.”

“Still at that, mh?” Gavin mumbled, a little unsure of himself and so he concentrated on Ray’s hand instead. “Just accept that I don’t like it.”

“Dude, I couldn’t care less about what you do with your dick. Doesn’t matter to me.”

Gavin threw him a shy smile.

“Honestly though,” Michael said thoughtfully. “I highly doubt that a man like Geoff fucking Ramsey needed lotion to get his dick wet.”

Ray turned towards him and a big, boyish grin stretched across his face. “True!”

“He just needed to go out there and pick who he takes home!”

That made Ray frown. “He didn’t take them home.”

“He did not?”

“No way! We uhh… had some problems with that before.”

“Are the problems caused because you were jealous and ruined Geoff’s good time?” Gavin asked and when Ray shrugged he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“That was our apartment; she had no business being there.”

“Like a wild animal defending its territory.”

“As I said, not her business being there.”

“Those pills,” Michael interrupted them and Ray instinctively pressed the bottle back against his chest. “You said they made you remember.”

The hostility from before was back, though weaker but Michael seemed rather interested than angry.

“They make me remember my dreams,” Ray said carefully. “Or make me dream more, I don’t know.”

“Oh, I thought…” Michael trailed off.

Gavin knew that even though he never really talked about it, it did bother him not to remember certain things. It was a laughable price for surviving a bullet that went straight through his head, but it was also an invisible weight on Michael’s shoulder whenever he got confused about they were talking about.

Sure, Jack had sit down with him for hours, going through old photos, and some had sparked a memory. Gavin would never forget how Michael remembered the first time they had celebrated their birthday, how Michael had seen the picture of the cake and had grown stiff until big tears ran down his cheeks.

He had been able to recite every gift he had gotten, any of the five cakes Geoff had ordered, and Jack had held him so tight. There was such pride coming from him that Gavin had been sure he could touch it.

Even now he couldn’t help but smile softly but some things would forever stay lost, they all knew that.

Maybe that was why Ray reluctantly offered the bottle to Michael to check out and once his hand was empty, Gavin quickly took it in his.

With another dollop of lotion he began anew.

“You know it’s not real though,” he said. “Those dreams. They are just that – dreams.”

“I know that,” Ray told him, but there was something distinctly defensive in his voice. “But in that moment they are real. They are the closest things I can get.”

That was sad. Gavin could understand it, but it still made him sad and he didn’t know what to say. He wished he could somehow bring Geoff back, he wished he could somehow turn back the time and warn him not to go into that warehouse.

But he couldn’t and so he just leaned his head against Ray’s shoulder and intertwined their hands.

They sat like that for a while, calming down after yet another fight but Gavin figured they got somehow used to it. 

Ray was nuzzling against his hair and he could see that Michael had a leg hooked over Ray’s. It felt nice like this, all tangled up in each other without yelling or horrible thoughts.

He knew that it would come back, that they were far from being through that, but moments like this were nice.

Maybe that was why he got out of their nest and returned with one of Ray’s joints in between his fingers.

“Really?” Ray asked amused and threw a glance to Michael. “You took the other stuff but not my weed?”

“We’re not monsters,” Michael told him nonchalantly.

Chuckling, Gavin dropped into Ray’s lap and held his hand out. It took Ray a moment until he found his lighter in one of his pockets but he gladly lit the joint for him.

“Thanks,” Gavin mumbled before taking the first drag and blowing it into his face. “So Ray, have we learned that drugs are bad?”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Drugs are very bad. Whatever.”

“And you will never ever do it again?”

“No, I won’t.”

Gavin couldn’t help but grin.

“Good boy.” He took one more drag before holding the joint out to Ray but the other didn’t even bother with taking it. Instead he grasped Gavin’s wrist and leaned forward to smoke like that.

Gavin couldn’t help but chuckle but stopped once he realised he lost the warm smoke like that. So he reached for Michael’s collar and pulled him closer until they could press their lips together.

Michael opened up easily for him, a warm hand at the back of his neck as Gavin blew the smoke into the other’s lungs.

“Why are you two even shotgunning?” Ray asked and the two broke apart. “It’s not like we don’t have a whole stash of weed.”

“It’s the closest I get to making out with my boi,” Gavin told him good naturally.

“Hot,” Ray deadpanned. “I always had a kink for incest.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“It’s true,” he admitted easily and took a long drag before waving Michael closer.

“You two are bad influences,” Michael said, but leaned in without further hesitation.

 

Later, when they were somehow all sprawled on the bed, he felt calmer than he had since a long, long time. There was a nice buzz in his chest or in his head, he wasn’t quite sure. It was probably all connected anyway.

They had taken ridiculous selfies as if they were 14 again, duckface and everything. When Michael had found the stupid filters they had nearly pissed themselves with laughter and at one point Gavin remembered the hundred of pictures he had taken all around the world.

He showed them and talked about the places and the people he had met, the food he had eaten. At some point he realized that this was what he had wanted all along. He had seen the world together with Ryan or at least some of it and now he could tell the others about it, answer the amused question, could listen to the awe in their voices.

He fell silent then. Partly because he missed Ryan again but also because he hadn’t got any souvenirs for his lads. When he told him he was sorry, he was pretty much close to tears but Michael pressed a kiss against his head and he started to giggle.

Now he had an arm wrapped around Michael and looked through his pictures himself. Maybe he was still talking but he couldn’t be sure.

Michael was pretty out of it, tired and pliant with hands always searching for them.

He took small drags from his joint before tugging one of them close to share the smoke with them. More than once he forgot to actually take a smoke first but that just made it funnier.

“Like a mama bird,” Gavin giggled.

“Only if said mama bird was high as the sky,” Ray commented. His face was flushed red and he was grinning constantly.

Gavin was pretty sure they had the exact same conversation like three times already.

He stole Michael’s joint for himself because his big brother was drifting off and he didn’t want him to set the bed aflame. Turning back to his pictures, he hesitated and looked around.

Michael was sprawled out, snoring loudly, but he would snap awake every time one of them moved away, so they huddled close to him. Ray was laying half on top of him, lazily watching whatever moved and Gavin sat on Michael’s other side.

It was warm and cozy like that and they should probably open a window or something but neither of them really wanted to move.

It didn’t matter anyway.

He had found his home.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at my boys...
> 
> We're nearing the final - are you guys ready?


	7. Raise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I was born and nobody wanted me and I don’t know why,” he went on, but that wasn’t quite true, right? Geoff would have wanted him, Geoff would have taken him in and would have loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry about this late update but my internet was gone yesterday and then the servers were down and just ugh...

Chapter 7

Raise

 

There were ways to change this, to search for a different outcome.

Ray knew that. It could be small things, it  _ was _ mostly small things. Words.

A single word from him could have helped.

He was well aware of that fact, it haunted him for months now but he never got the chance to prove it.

Whenever he came back to this time it was at the point of no return.

He stood next to Geoff in the warehouse with his hands in his pockets and thought about getting a midnight snack. In retroperspective it was probably funny, something so mundane.

He smelled Geoff's expensive cologne and thought nothing of it, it was too engraved in his mind that he barely noticed. Geoff was talking to that other crew boss but Ray felt relaxed. He even wondered if he should get his phone out to text Michael, who stood outside.

Geoff turned to him now and Ray looked up. That was also funny, no matter how often he relived this memory, he could see how blue Geoff's eyes were in the artificial light, he could see how he tried hard not to smirk.

But he could never recall the words.

Sometimes he wished he could, other times he was glad for this small mercy.

It was the last moment he could have a conversation with Geoff, could go there and hug him, and maybe then things would have been different as well. If he'd stepped up to wrap his arms around him, if he'd hold him as tight as he wanted to, the bullet would have hit his chest as well.

But back then he didn't think about a hug or how important Geoff was to him. He didn't think that it was dangerous or that he should pull his gun out.

He thought about what to get to eat later.

What had Geoff told him back then? Nothing important for sure. Nothing personal because they were playing it up, they were acting out all high and mighty. Not knowing about the fall.

He remembered the next seconds all wrong, his mind knew that but it didn't change it.

The pain came first, like a sting in his side that made him stagger. Like Geoff had given him a playful shove.

Next was the shattering of something, somewhere. Glass probably, but he had never been sure.

Lastly was Geoff's gasp. It was a gasp of surprise, not pain, and that's why Ray let it play over and over in his head. That was the last noise that wouldn't sound wheezing or tight or weak he would hear of him.

It was still alarming and he snapped awake from his thoughts of food. He tried to turn to Geoff, see what was wrong and then get him to safety. A reflex he had never bothered fighting even if Geoff would love if he did.

But he didn't get that far. The pain in his side made him slow, made turning his body agonizing, and there was something wet running down his leg. He stumbled again but it wasn't why he went down. Only when Geoff leaned so heavily against him, he cried out. Just one time, sharp, but his voice broke because he tried to steady his guardian, but there was a fire in his side that wouldn't subsite.

They fell to the ground or at least the next thing he remembered was to be laying down and not standing anymore.

It was hard to breath like that. Geoff was heavy on top of him and the strap of his rifle dug into the side of his throat. He forced oxygen into his lungs and let his eyes flutter open.

There was a lamp above him, cold and bright, and he stared at it until it burned into his vision.

"Don't."

It was barely more than a breath and he wouldn't have heard it if it hadn't directly hit his ear. Turning his head, he bumped noses with Geoff.

When he was a child he would have laughed at that; nowadays he would have yelled at him, embarrassed.

Right now he just forced another breath down his throat.

For once Geoff's eyes were wide awake, and still they were dimmed with something but they were oh so blue. A lake in winter.

"Play dead." It took a lot of strength to get those two little words out, Ray could tell but it was an order nonetheless. He let his eyes drop shut.

Everything was very warm here, like sinking into a full bath. There was a single cold place right where the sting had been and it spread until he shivered.

"Don't open your eyes," Geoff wheezed out, and something was all funny about his breath. Before Ray could figure it out, a sticky hand found his cheek and turned his head further until their foreheads were pressed together. "Keep 'em closed, 'til I tell you."

He could do that. It was very easy because he felt himself slipping, felt how he began to black out.

Another hand pressed against the sting in his side and his mouth dropped open in a silent cry. There was blood in the air, thick enough to almost taste it, and that more than the pain woke him again.

Geoff coughed weakly and Ray fought to lift his hands until he found the other. He grasped with all his strength, held on to the white shirt and didn't dare let go.

"Geoff," he whined because he was in pain and he wanted to be held. Geoff shushed him down and pressed their foreheads together.

His breath was now all kinds of wrong, like he had to suck the air down and it still didn't reach. When Geoff coughed again he seemed to grow heavier on top of Ray and that was the moment he realized that Geoff was hurt as well.

"Geoff," he whispered again, this time in fear, and he tried to pull the other closer.

"Ray...ray..." Geoff made a pause in between the two syllables like he didn't remember the name completely, which was stupid. Ray knew that the other was out of breath and he could also tell that Geoff was crying now. "Most precious..."

What was happening?

Ray wanted to open his eyes but then remembered the order. He was in pain, the coldness now spreading through his body. He let it, just tried his damn hardest to be closer to Geoff

Something was off, he knew that before the last breath hit his face but only by then did he slowly realize.

He had inhaled him, had inhaled Geoff, and now he got lost somewhere in his bloodstream. He had taken too much and now there wasn't anything left for the body that just grew heavier, was nearly crushing him.

The minutes ticked by endlessly, a small eternity in which Ray tried to wheeze Geoff back out, get him back where he belonged but it wasn't working. It didn't work because the body laid dead and abandoned on top of him and so he stopped.

He stopped and let it take him, let himself drift as well, because maybe he was meant to follow Geoff down. He would follow him wherever.

So he was floating in between with Geoff warm in his lungs and his body all cold . It was nearly fine like this, he was a bit scared by the darkness around but Geoff was still here, Geoff was just ahead and if he'd just stopped and take his hand, if he'd just turned aro-

But Geoff didn't, Geoff refused to pull him along, and then there was a harsh light. The light came from his cold side and it meant pain and Ray resurfaced, Ray lost his connection and Geoff was gone. Just gone like this and he tried to reach him again, to go back under but-

"Ray?"

He was sitting upright in his bed, heaving through weak lungs. Michael sat beside him with a strong hand on his back and Gavin was standing in front of them, face pale in worry.

Ray barely noticed them, his eyes were bulging and Geoff was gone, Geoff had just abandoned him.

He reached up and wrapped his hand around his throat like he wanted to choke Geoff back out of his chest. Bring him back because he had inhaled him, had taken too much and now Geoff was all used up.

His stomach clenched, and he got onto shaking feet and staggered into the bathroom. Someone was helping him along, was holding him up, and he barely made it in time to throw up violently in the toilet.

Whoever was with him helped him kneel down and thankfully so. He felt like he could collapse any second but his body wouldn’t let him. He heaved again, and there couldn’t possibly be that much in him.

_ Geoff. _

He had been so close again, had felt Geoff’s warmth even if it had been fading, even if it had left his body along with his blood. For a tiny moment Geoff had been his again and that was all there was. All that was left for him.

These little dreams, even if they felt like they were squishing his insides and wringing him out. All he wanted was a few seconds to pass the time until he would see Geoff again.

Someone rubbed his back and there were words. He didn’t think they were directed at him but he couldn’t be sure.

With a shaking hand he wiped his mouth and the bitter tears from his face. As he leaned back he hit something warm and solid instead of the cold wall.

“Okay?” Michael asked and wrapped his arm around him.

“I want him back,” Ray whispered, and saw how Michael’s eyes widened. He was pulled closer and the other nuzzled his hair.

“I know.”

Gavin walked into the tiny bathroom and handed them a bottle of water. When he crouched down he had a towel in his hand.

It felt nice against Ray’s flushed forehead as Gavin gently wiped him down, but he grasped the other’s wrist to make him stop.

“Not you,” he brought out. “I want Geoff!”

Gavin grew just a bit paler but Ray didn’t bother. He felt the first pull and could nearly laugh.

Of fucking course.

He didn’t even fight it, just held on tighter to Gavin as he let his head roll back.

“Strings,” he mumbled and Gavin’s eyes flitted away from him in panic.

“Michael!”

“Fuck!”

Ray was lifted from the cold floor and it felt like floating. Like he was floating far, far away and there were the strings. Colorful, cutting and cold. They were wrapped so tightly around his limbs that he would jerk and dance with each pull.

His back hit something soft and then he was gone.

 

When he came back it happened very slowly. He was warm for once, normally he’d wake up cold and shivering wherever he had collapsed, but after a while he could tell that there was a blanket tightly wrapped around him.

His head laid in someone’s lap and they were stroking through his hair.

_ Geoff. _

He was back in their penthouse, right? He was in his bed and Geoff had squeezed in besides him, gently coaxing him to wake up.

There would be coffee and breakfast, and he loved those days when he had Geoff all for himself.

When his eyes fluttered open he didn’t find his room and it wasn’t Geoff next to him, of course not. It was Michael, and Ray started to cry.

He wanted to turn back the time.

“You back?” It was Gavin who asked; he came from his left and stood in front of the bed. 

Ray nodded slowly because his tongue was still glued to the roof of his mouth.

“Can you move, love? You made a bit of a mess on your shirt.”

Michael helped him to undress because he was heavy and tired. A hand brushed against his side and he looked down.

The scar was white and prominent against his skin. A steady reminder of that day.

He lost sight of it when something was pulled over his head, and he realized it was the hoodie Gavin had bought him. He was swimming in it and curled into it.

It felt fluffy and warm against his skin, even more so when steady hands rubbed his arms.

“Feeling better?”

He nodded again and closed his eyes.

Maybe he had been dozing, he was pretty sure he had been. It was warm and there was always someone close by, he could feel their presence.

For once he was safe, someone was taking care of him, and because of that there were tears running down his face once he woke up.

“Ray?” This time it was Michael and his tears were thumbed away. “You need to eat something, bud.”

It was hard to grasp anything because his sleeves were so long, but Michael helped him roll them up until he had his hands free for the sandwich. He nibbled on it but in the end he grew sick again and Michael took it away.

He was still sitting on the bed with Michael beside him, rubbing his back. Gavin was on his chair but turned towards them, watching in concern.

It took a while until things made sense in his jumbled mind again, until he remembered and then he felt Geoff again.

Geoff was stuck in his throat, choking him up whenever he noticed him there. Geoff was trapped in his lungs, making breathing so hard. Geoff was at home in his heart, forcing it to beat again and again.

Ray wanted him to get out of there.

“I should have died,” he croaked out, and Michael’s arm tightened around him. “I don’t think I was meant to be alive in the first place.”

“Ray,” Gavin said softly, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“I was born and nobody wanted me and I don’t know why,” he went on, but that wasn’t quite true, right? Geoff would have wanted him, Geoff would have taken him in and would have loved him. “Maybe I was… one of God’s mistakes or I was just wrong. I wasn’t meant to take a single breath in the first place.”

“That’s bullshit,” Michael said against his hair. “We aren’t any different from you. If you think so then we are the same.”

He closed his eyes and leaned against Michael’s shoulder. That wasn’t true, the other two were too important and too bright. He had always shone darker, nearly invisible against their light.

The mattress shifted and when he opened his eyes, Gavin sat in front of him.

“Have you ever heard of the multiverse theory, Ray?” He didn’t wait for an answer and just took Ray’s hand in his. “It means that everything is possible, that everything that can happen has happened somewhere.”

“So there is a world where I wasn’t born at all,” he said, and Gavin grimaced a little.

“I guess. But there is also a world in which you were born as Geoff’s son and I bet you two were so very happy!”

The thought made tears shoot into his eyes again and he could barely make out Gavin’s smile.

“And in the world you weren’t born you were dearly missed,” Gavin assured him and squeezed his hand. “I know it! The Gavin in that world needs some help to take down big and mean Michael!”

“You two would never be able to,” Michael said, and his voice sounded tight. Ray could hear him swallow heavily.

“Geoff is dead,” Ray said and it hurt. God, those little words cut so deep and his tears rolled down his cheeks.

“He’s alive in a thousand other worlds! He’s alive and you two found each other, I am absolutely sure of it!” Gavin said it with such vehemence that Ray nearly believed it.

“I want to go there then. I need to see him again.”

“Ray…”

He managed to free his hand from Gavin’s grip and press it against his face. His skin felt flushed and hot and it did nothing to stop his tears.

“I wasn’t meant to be born! Geoff said he already found me back then, back when I was a baby and that we just hadn’t known it yet! I think… I t-think I took his life. I think I didn’t have a life here and so he sh-shared.” He sobbed and Michael held him so tight that it hurt. “That’s why h-he is gone! I used it a-all up and there was nothing left for Geoff! I took it all away!”

“That’s not tr-”

“And I never told him!” he interrupted whoever tried to speak. “I never said that I loved him! I never called him dad! I just… just bought him those stupid mugs for a dollar and joked about it but I never let him know! I was too much of a coward an- and-” He broke off in a sob and there were hands rubbing his legs now, rubbing his arms.

“He knows, Ray. You didn’t need to tell him.”

He shook his head wildly. It wasn’t that easy, he couldn’t let himself believe that. It was his fault, all of it. 

It had been his job to protect Geoff and he hadn’t. 

It wasn’t his job to love Geoff but he had.

He had taken his love and his time and his life and left nothing behind.

“I just love him so,” he cried. “I love him so very much but he’s gone! He’s gone and he won’t come back and I want him right here! I want him back so I could give him all I’ve taken!”

Every drop of love, every single light he had just soaked up while giving nothing back. That last breath he had swallowed down. He would give it back and the thousand more he had breathed himself since Geoff was gone.

He would give a thousand more, no matter the cost.

Someone pulled him tighter and he curled into them. Another body was pressed against his side and for now he was hidden from the world that wasn’t his and never should have been.

So he allowed himself to cry and he cried himself hoarse until each breath hurt like it should be because it was a stolen one.

He cried until he couldn’t cry anymore and then he hung in between his brothers, scared and exhausted.

Gavin was humming against his shoulder and he listened to the lullaby while Michael ran a hand through his hair for the millionth time.

He was loved in that moment but it wasn’t enough. It would never be.

“I will kill whoever killed Geoff,” he whispered finally. “I will kill everyone who had a say in that and then I’ll repay my debt.”

“No,” Michael told him but that didn’t matter.

“I’ll kill who killed Geoff,” he just repeated and he had taken his last breath, had taken his light and love. “I’m going to find him and meet him again. I need to.”

“I won’t let you.”

“That’s not your choice, Michael.”

And Michael actually fell quiet and Ray was glad for that.

Gavin sat up next and left his side cold and abandoned. They were all watching as he stepped towards the PC and stood there. 

He was wiping his face as he searched for something and when he returned he was carrying a single sheet of paper. Somehow it made Ray’s heart race.

“That’s the sniper,” Gavin said and offered him the page. “That’s the one who killed Geoff.”

The page had some information about the person, but Ray didn’t bother reading it. He stared at the picture and recognized the face.

“Dwight Collins,” he mumbled. A tall man with a scruffy beard and wild hair, the eyes dark but attentive. It was the same person he had come up with at his research and now he scoffed.

“Leave Geoff to get killed by generic white guy.” 

Neither of the other two laughed but he hadn’t expected them to. He was far from being amused himself, there was just too much rage coiling in the pit of his stomach and he had to let it out somehow.

“So I was right? I found the right one?”

“Kinda,” Gavin admitted. “But there have been some changes in the crew since then. Some of the people you found weren’t part of the crew back then but I found the core crew from before. Just six people in total - they were just small fishes.”

“Probably hoped they could get big after such a hit,” Michael said. “Wanted to be recognized by the big dogs for taking out one of them. Guess that didn’t work out too well.”

“A lot of people tried to claim the fame, saying they did it, and this Collins guy was one of them. He got very quiet once the other big mouths started to show up with multiple stab wounds and occasionally hanging from bridges.”

Gavin threw a scolding look to Ray, but seriously, was he meant to feel sorry for them? He had just gotten rid of scum, going down the list one by one. And fuck, they surely got quiet once they met Ramsey’s ghost.

Once they met the Poltergeist.

So he held Gavin’s gaze until the other sighed.

“Anyway, after the crew fell apart they managed to snatch some of our old territory and in the end they grew bigger but probably not to the extent that they hoped they would.”

Ray looked down at the photo and then crumbled it in his hand.

“What a big old joke.”

“Six people?” Michael asked instead and Gavin got up again to return with more papers.

“Yeah, one already bit the dust a month or so ago. Stray bullet caught him. So we got five left. The sniper is one of them, then two muscles. Pam and Eddie as far as we know. From what I saw on security feet that Pam is meaty so we should make sure we take her out first, Eddie is kinda just following her around but he can also pack a punch. The boss is a lady called Al, she was traveling a lot but is now back in the city. She’s in it for the money and nothing more. The last one is a guy who calls himself Spire.” Gavin frowned a little. “I am actually not sure what he does. The few times I saw him he was just… hanging around and waiting in the car. Not even as the driver just… in the backseat?”

“Probably fucks one of them,” Ray said thoughtfully. He was still trying to press the page into a neat ball, later he would probably set fire to it.

But now he had names, had faces to that names. He had found Collins before, even this Al, but he didn’t know about the others until now.

“I think so too.”

“Are they all in the city?”

Gavin’s eyes flitted to Michael and Michael’s arm tightened around Ray. But he was done with that bullshit, he was so close!

“Gavin,” he said, no, demanded, and his brother flinched a little.

“Yes.”

“Did you find their base?”

Gavin hesitated again but then sighed. “I did. I know where they are and I know where they will be.”

“Then we’ll prepare and take them out tomorrow!”

Gavin averted his eyes, but something must have shifted because he nodded and even Ray was surprised.

“Gavin!” Michael said sharply, but the other just shrugged.

“What? What do you want from me? Tomorrow is actually perfect because most of the crew will be out for a weapons deal. It would be… it would be the safest option.”

Ray could hear Michael huff annoyed but that didn’t matter.

HIs own heart was pounding violently, he was excited.

He had found them! He had fucking found them and he would make sure they knew who was going to kill them.

Surely they thought they were off the hook but oh no!

Oh, he was going to come for them like he was their worst nightmare and he would bring fire and blood along.

Neither of them would leave the building or even the room they were in once he found them.

It must have shown on his face or it was just his bloodlust spilling because Gavin gently touched the hand that was still crumbling down the page.

“After we’re done,” he said softly, “please… please don’t run off again, yes? After we’re done no matter what you decide will happens next… let’s have one last lad night. Just one more time, Ray.”

He couldn’t promise that. He couldn’t promise it and he didn’t want it.

Tomorrow it would be over and there was no plan for what came after that, there was no goal left, and he knew what Gavin was trying here. To give him another purpose, as small as it may be so that he would stay for another night, then for breakfast and then? Well, surely they would find something else for him to do and it just would get harder and harder to let go.

“Please,” Gavin asked again, and Ray pressed his lips together.

It was such a cheap trick.

“If you want to do a lad night we can do it tonight,” he offered, and Gavin’s face hardened.

“We have to be ready for combat tomorrow,” Michael threw in, of course on Gavin’s side on this one. Ray didn’t even bother to turn around. “We can’t stuff our face and don’t sleep the night before. We’ll be dead on our feet.”

“Too bad then.” Ray struggled out of Michael’s hold and stood. He wanted to reach for the pages Gavin was still holding but his brother was faster, seizing his wrist.

“If you ever loved us you will surely bear just one more night together,” Gavin said quietly. His eyes were furious and bright, something dangerous in them as if he realized himself what a low blow that was. “Is that really too much to ask for after all this years? For you to celebrate that victory together with us?”

Ray tried to jerk free but Gavin didn’t let go.

“I love you, Ray,” Gavin said, and that made him hesitate. Gavin was affectionate but he showed it through hugs and shoves and cuddling, not with words. They were rather similar in that way, both too unsure to say the words, and where he didn’t find them in the first place, Gavin probably had a hundred running through his head right now.

“You’re my little brother and so you can’t expect me to just let you go like this. Not without a goodbye like the last time. This time we’re going to do this properly.”

He squeezed his wrist nearly painfully and Ray stopped trying to escape. God, Gavin was good. He could already feel guilt burn in his stomach.

“We expected a bigger crew,” Michael threw in and his hands were clenched into tight fists, shaking with emotion. “We have too many explosives for that. Let’s spread them across this fucking city and light it up as well. Let the whole thing go up in flames and let the people know who did it. They will never dare to forget us.”

“If this is the last hurrah for this crew, if this is the last hurrah for  _ you _ then let it be a symphony,” Gavin added. “Or a battle cry or a lullaby, I don’t care. Let it be  _ heard _ _,_ that’s what I mean. Let them hear the explosions in every nook and corner of this city, let them smell the smoke wherever they go and after all that? After you got your revenge and the city is shaking in fear of a return of their worst enemy – then we’ll celebrate, Ray. Like we always did, like Geoff has taught us to.”

His grip loosened but Ray didn’t pull back. Instead he let his hand slip into Gavin’s and then let the crumpled paper fall in favor of taking Michael’s as well.

“Fine,” he mumbled. The other two didn’t beam at him, they didn’t even really smile. There was something dark in their smirks, something hungry in their eyes, and Ray realized he loved them both.

He loved them both so much that it was nearly enough.

“Fine,” he said again and he figured his own expression was just as morbid. “We’ll do it like that. For the Fake AH Crew! For Geoff fucking Ramsey!”

“For Geoff!” the other two hollered and then he was pulled back into bed until they were all just a tangled mess of limbs and laughter and shadows.

 

It was already getting dark once Ray allowed himself to relax. He had helped Michael prepare the explosives at least as far as he could and then he had made sure that all their weapons were ready.

He had worked without thinking too much, without worrying and his head was just filled by Gavin’s steady  _ taptap _ on the keyboard for once.

Now he squeezed himself into the chair with Gavin and his brother easily let him.

He wasn’t quite sure what Gavin was doing exactly, his screen looked like something straight out of  The Matrix, but it was nice to watch as the letters appeared.

Ray yawned and leaned his head against Gavin’s shoulder. It was only the two of them right now, Michael still out, and he forced himself to stay awake though he was quite exhausted. It’s been long since he’d been physically exhausted and not emotionally or mentally.

“Tired?” Gavin asked absentmindedly, and Ray nodded.

“Guess it was a hard day for you,” Gavin went on, his eyes not leaving the screen. “Woke up to throw up, then followed by a seizure for the dramatic effect and for the big finale a little breakdown.”

“I didn’t break down.”

“Dude, you cried like a bitch.”

Ray scoffed and heard how Gavin chuckled as well. His brother turned around just enough to press a kiss against his temple and Ray let his eyes drift shut. It was nice like this when he didn’t have to think or act, when he could just be.

“Hey Gavin,” he mumbled after a while and Gavin jumped a little, probably because he thought he was already asleep. “What you said about that multiverse thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think it’s possible to travel into those different worlds? To see what it’s like there?”

Gavin gave a thoughtful hum before leaning back in his seat. “I am sure there are worlds where it’s possible.”

“But this one here?”

“Probably not. I think you’d need magic, highly developed technology or something like that. If multiverses exist at all, that is.”

“I think they do.” Well, he at least hoped so. What Gavin had said before, that in some other world Geoff was alive, that they may have found each other there as well, was somehow comforting.

Gavin nodded and that made Ray smile.

“Do you think it’s possible that we move on after our death?” he asked next, and those were thoughts and questions he never really thought about. He didn’t believe in a God or a happy afterlife. He had seen hell, had lived through hell and it was here on earth. So if there was no actual hell, then there couldn’t be any heaven. Not that it really mattered to him; he highly doubted he would go there anyway.

But what happened after death?

Where did Geoff go? He knew what happened to a body after death, had seen it more than enough times and he knew that Geoff was buried somewhere. An unmarked grave he had never bothered searching for.

Geoff wasn’t in there, just an empty vessel.

That what had made this vessel Geoff, what he had loved so dearly was gone, either stuck in his lungs or… well, somewhere.

“You mean into like… heaven or something?” Gavin asked, confused, and Ray knew that God and heaven and religion was just as much as a strange concept to Gavin than it was to him.

“No, into the next world.”

Gavin’s brow knitted together before his face grew soft.

“I don’t know, Ray. Are you… talking about rebirth?”

“It’s just a nice thought,” Ray mumbled. “That Geoff went somewhere else, that he’s started a new life.”

Gavin smiled and leaned his head against his. “That really is nice.”

“Maybe if I hurry I can still catch up.” He felt Gavin tense but couldn’t stop his own words. “Maybe time moves differently, maybe Geoff’s already older and I can…” He trailed off, feeling new tears in his eyes, but his heart yearned for this.

“You could be his son?” Gavin asked tentatively, and Ray nodded.

“This time I’ll tell him. He deserves to know.”

“I’m going to miss you.” Gavin said it very shyly as if he feared he wasn’t allowed to word it out loud, but for today Ray was all out of anger and hate. He reserved everything else for tomorrow, and so he just smiled and wrapped his arms around his brother.

“I’m going to miss you too. But you need to unde-“

“I do,” Gavin interrupted him, and Ray knew that he did. Michael was different, if only slightly. There was hope in him, an eye for the future because he truly believed he had one. Michael had been saved, had severed the bonds connecting him to the Project.

Maybe Gavin was on the way there as well but Gavin didn’t have Jack, he had Ryan, and with Ryan it wasn’t as easy.

And for Ray himself? Well, he was pretty sure there hadn’t been any hope for him in the first place, the Project too tightly wrapped around his life.

Gavin was crying silently, big, warm tears that dripped from his chin and Ray nuzzled his shoulder.

“I gotta find him.”

“I know,” Gavin sniffed and didn't bother wiping his face. “I know but… but while you’re at it, Ray… could you please look for the other Gavin as well? And for Michael of course. I’d hate to know that you are lonely over there.”

“Team Lads in another world?” Ray asked, amused, and Gavin snorted. He nodded wildly, making tears fly, and Ray pulled him closer.

“I’ll keep my eyes open,” he promised. “We’ll always find each other.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week is already the final! Time sure moves fast...


	8. Ray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you know who I am?” he asked into the silence and saw one of the guys shiver. The useless one, Spire.  
> “You’re the Poltergeist,” Al told him and that might be true but that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.  
> “Do you know who I was?” he asked instead and her eyes went sharp and dangerous.  
> “Ramsey’s ghost.”

Chapter 8

Ray

 

“Ready when you are,“ Gavin said and finally looked up from his laptop. He had been furiously typing away to prepare the last things for their coup but now he turned towards Ray.

They were sitting on an old, rusty staircase down by the docks with a good look over the warehouses lined up in front of them. The third one to the right contained Geoff’s killers, and Ray wasn’t quite sure what to feel about that.

They had been sitting here for an hour with Gavin doing whatever and Michael getting the charges they would use on the warehouse ready.

Ray had just sat beside them in the sun. It had been long since he’d been awake this early and it was strange to see the sun so low above the water. The heat wasn’t beating down yet, instead just warming his face and hands.

He had his old hoodie on, not the fluffy one Gavin got him. He didn’t want any blood on it. His rifle was thrown over his shoulder and a sawed off shotgun was tucked in the waistband of his jeans, both in a slightly faded hot pink.

He wanted to look his part, wanted this scum to know who he was, wanted Geoff to recognize him. He didn’t even wear his gloves, and the Crew logo was prominent on the inside of his wrist.

He thumbed at it now, maybe a bit nervously, but mostly in anticipation.

They hadn’t talked about it, but the others did the same.

Gavin was pushing his sunglasses on his nose now, the sleeves of his button down rolled up to show his own tattoo.

Michael had a leather jacket on and Ray didn’t even know where he got it in the first place. The zipper wasn’t pulled up, revealing the logo on his neck.

He sat three steps below them and Ray knew that he was pissed, that he didn’t accept Ray’s decision and still he was here.

“The sun is nice,” Ray said and closed his eyes to feel it on his cold skin.

It didn’t take long until Gavin laid his head on his shoulder and Michael leaned back against his legs. That felt good, they were both very warm.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “Neither of you had any reason to come back here in the first place and still you did. I never quite thanked you for that. I just took it for granted.”

“We had every reason to come back here,” Michael told him. He sounded a bit rough, like he was trying hard to be angry but couldn’t find the energy to do so. “This is our home as well. If we can’t have it, I want it burned to the ground.” He craned his neck until his head hit Ray’s knees and he could look at him. “You are our family, Ray. Geoff wa-  _ is _ our family, we also lost him.”

Ray couldn’t help but smile. He leaned ahead until he could wrap his arms around Michael’s shoulders and bury his face in the curls.

“Please don’t hate me,” he whispered. “Please don’t, I couldn’t bear it.”

“You know I would never. I couldn’t, you’re my little brother.”

Michael turned around so that they could embrace and Ray slipped down one step because he was pulled in so relentlessly. He didn’t mind; just let his hands wander over the smooth back of the leather jacket until he could properly grasp it.

Michael’s breath felt heavy where it hit his neck and Ray closed his eyes. Here in the sun he could smell the leather and he could smell Michael. Michael had always smelled warm and comfortable, like fluffy blankets fresh out of the drier. Michael smelled like Mogar and somehow a bit like cinnamon.

“You know I love you,” Michael whispered into his ear, and Ray felt tears burn in his eyes. But today was a big day, he wouldn’t cry.

“Love you too,” he mumbled and tried to hold the other just as tight but he’d never been able to.

“Okay.” Michael pressed a kiss against his cheek and in the next second Ray was lifted from the stairs and Michael crushed him against his chest with a wild grin. His feet couldn’t reach the ground anymore but he would never be scared that Michael would let him fall. Instead he grinned back and squealed when Michael jumped down the few steps. Once on solid ground Ray was twirled around and he could hear himself laugh, loud and boyish as he stretched his arms out.

It felt like being high up on the tallest skyscraper watching the city beneath as the wind blew through his fingers and then Michael stopped and Ray felt a little dizzy from spinning around and around. And now there were tears but in Michael’s eyes, and Ray leaned down to give him a big fat kiss right on his forehead.

Affection and devotion, one of the first lessons Geoff had taught him.

And he also remembered his own words as they had stood in the burning Maze Bank Tower and Geoff had seemed so invincible. A kiss for family, and Geoff had assured him it was alright, and so he grasped Michael’s face and pulled him in for an actual kiss.

Michael’s lips were chapped but oh so very warm against his and he wasn’t even surprised about that. It felt right and familiar and all kinds of things but his mind was still spinning and he didn’t bother with it.

When he pulled back there was a high blush on Michael’s face but his smile was genuine and the tears gone.

“What was that for?” he asked and Ray was a bit relieved that he sounded amused.

“For everything,” he said. “For being my big brother.”

They hugged again and when Ray looked up he saw Gavin watching them fondly.

He reached his hand out, beckoning him over and Gavin stood with a snort. “You also wanna make out with me?”

“Not really,” He pulled Gavin in the moment he got within reach. “But I don’t like playing favorites.”

And of course Gavin’s lips were smooth against his, like he used lip balm three times a day. Thinking about it, it was probably true and Ray couldn’t help but snort.

Gavin pulled back to roll his eyes. “Very sexy, Ray.”

“Let’s be real, you never did anything sexier than this right now.”

“Bugger off.”

He was shoved away but couldn’t wipe the grin from his face. Right now he felt tall, even invincible, like nothing could go wrong.

He hoped he was right, but his brothers were close, were waiting for him and honestly, he didn’t really doubt it. Failure wasn’t part of this plan.

“Let’s do this then.”

Both Michael and Gavin turned away and Ray watched as Gavin sat back down with his laptop while Michael rummaged through the old backpack. It didn’t take long until Gavin turned the screen towards him.

“You wanna do the honors?”

It would be one button click, Gavin had prepared most of this yesterday, but Ray still shook his head. With a shrug, Gavin did it himself and Ray knew that in the city behind them every TV would show their logo now.

He wanted them to know.

“What about this?” Michael asked and held up a remote. It would detonate the charges that they had spread across the city.

He also wanted them to hear.

“This is all yours,” he said. “You two can have that, but I get the last shot.”

“Deal.” The distant  _boom_ reached them a heartbeat later, and by the time Ray had turned around, he could already see thin columns of smoke heading into the blue sky.

“Think that woke them up,” Gavin said before putting his laptop aside and jumping back down to Ray. They would later get it once they were done.

Michael wordlessly took the bag and handed them each a breach charge before taking a grenade himself.

“Call out if you use them,” he warned them with a challenging glance to Gavin. “Watch out for each other. Those things don’t have a lot of reach but still.”

Ray took the explosives and then pulled out his gun. Geoff would have prepared a speech, would have fired them up, but he wasn’t Geoff. He was his shadow, he was Ramsey’s ghost, and he’d never been good with words.

So they walked in silence towards the warehouse and it felt strangely surreal. He had worked towards this for so long and now it was finally time.

It felt exhilarating.

When he reached the huge doors, he didn’t hesitate and kicked them open. Against the metal it made a loud bang and if those guys hadn’t yet noticed the explosives or the TV signal, they surely would notice this.

But there was nothing to worry about, he saw most of the crew in the main area, gathered around the TV and discussing quietly. Only the leader, Al, was looking straight at them, something cold in her eyes, but Ray didn’t quite care.

They were in some kind of lobby, the room big but certainly not the size of the whole warehouse. Maybe this had been some form of office before but now it was furnished with huge shelves on either sides, leading up to the desk with the TV on.

Ray didn’t know what this crew was doing here, didn’t care what was in the boxes that sat heavy on the aching shelves. The sun was in their back and he could see their shadows on the ground. Michael to his right and Gavin to his left.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked into the silence and saw one of the guys shiver. The useless one, Spire.

“You’re the Poltergeist,” Al told him and that might be true but that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear.

“Do you know who I was?” he asked instead and her eyes went sharp and dangerous.

“Ramsey’s ghost.” She had rings on each finger, golden and heavy. “I had really hoped by now you’d forget about all of this.”

Forget about it?

Oh, what a joke.

He didn’t know what to answer to that, somehow it had shocked him to hear this woman talk and realize it was the same voice that had given the command to kill Geoff. That she now dared to stand in front of him, clad in her fake wealth.

The rings were ugly, something that Geoff wouldn’t even waste his money for. For designer clothes, yes, good scotch or whiskey or food. Sometimes even some abstract piece of art that either of them broke by the end of the week.

Never jewelry.

Somehow, that made everything worse, but in the corner of his eye he saw Michael clench his fist, furious for him, and that allowed him to take a deep breath.

What should he say?

You killed my father?

Too movie-like.

On the other hand he wasn’t a fan of words in the first place.

“Sniper went through the backdoor,” Gavin whispered on his other side, and that was good. He had been too focused on the woman to keep an eye out for this guy. 

Both of them would be his.

He lifted his gun and saw the shadows of the others do the same.

The other crew didn’t move, too caught in the moment probably and he aimed right at the woman. Not her head, he didn’t want her to get away that fast, but her stomach was just fine.

There were five people in the room, the woman, Spire and the muscle dude called Eddie. The other two he didn’t know but they were here so they wouldn’t leave.

The sniper had run, so that meant only this Pam was missing. She had to be around here somewhere, he wasn’t planning on hunting any longer after this day.

They shot at the same time, no signal needed, and the sound of three gunshots was deafening. Still, somehow it was drowned in a low cry of pain and Ray knew he’d hit her. A smirk curled on his face, wild and free as he took a step further, getting ready to shoot again.

Before he could though, a hand grasped him and pulled him back.

“Flashbang!” Michael called next to him and then pushed him into cover behind one of the huge shelf around them.

Ray squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the bang while Michael pinned him down.

It came a second later, echoing loudly in the closed space and Ray dared to open his eyes again.

He looked around and found Gavin crouching behind the shelf on the opposite side. He also blinked but didn’t seem dazed, his pistol securely grasped in his hands. He made a move to stand and shoot when something sparked against the metal beams, forced to make himself small again.

Ray turned around and searched for who was shooting at Gavin but at first he couldn’t see.

There was blood over the the TV screen now and he couldn’t help but grin as he found the woman, Al, on the ground in front of it, clutching her stomach. She was gasping in pain and the useless guy was crouched over her.

One of the guys he didn’t know was dead, the other one soon to follow by the sound of it and his smirk just grew.

Gavin and Michael had targeted the unimportant grunts and left him the real treat.

But now that treat was covering behind the same row of shelf they were, diagonally from Gavin and effectively pinned him down.

“Bloody hell,” he heard Gavin mumble as another bullet hit the shelf next to him.

“Stay down, don’t move,” Michael called over and finally let Ray go. 

“No shit!”

There wasn’t really anywhere for Gavin to move in the first place without getting himself in danger and so Ray wandered their shelf along. It was maybe 4 feet wide and there were two more between him and the muscle guy. Ed or Eddie, who even cared.

The heavy boxes contained weapon parts and Ray tried to get a clear shot somewhere but couldn’t find an angle that would work.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the whole shelf groaned and tilted ahead. 

It was Michael who threw his weight against the steel beams and Ray couldn’t help but laugh when he understood. 

“Come on! Help me out!” Michael grinned brightly, and how could Ray say no to that?

They both threw themselves against the beams on the opposite ends and with a groan the shelf tilted again. With another heavy shove it tipped over and Ray hurried to get away.

It hit the next shelf and like dominos it also fell.

The crash was incredible in the empty space, deafening, and Ray wasn’t quite sure if he actually heard a cry of pain but he still hollered before having to cough. The whole collapse had raised dust, enough to be a smokescreen of some kind, and he had breathed in a mouthful.

Michael didn’t care, just seized his arm and dragged him along through the strange fog.

“Gav?” he called, and they would have nearly missed him if Gavin hadn’t reached out and grasped Ray’s sleeve.

They were all blinking, eyes watering but Gavin’s grin was still bright like the sun. “Nice work, lads!”

He lifted his hand and Ray gladly high fived him.

They were chuckling in the dust and Ray gladly pulled Gavin up.

He saw the shadow in the corner of his eye too late.

By the time he turned, Michael already brushed past him and lifted his gun. It was still not fast enough and before he could shoot, the huge silhouette slammed into him.

Ray recognized her from the pictures Gavin had showed them, the muscles of the crew, Pam, who Gavin had said they should take out first. Only that she hadn’t been in the room with the others and now she was just appearing behind them.

Had she been outside?

He didn’t know, he just saw how she grasped Michael’s arm and the shot went somewhere into the ceiling before he let the gun go in favor to push her back. Not that it did a lot, she beared down on him and her form was huge, towering over Michael.

Michael tried his best to keep her at bay, Ray could see how his muscles showed on his neck and arms, saw how Michael bared his teeth and it still wasn’t enough.

She basically picked Michael  _ up _ and slammed him into the wall. Ray heard the crack as Michael’s head hit the wall and the boy went lax.

Gavin yelled and Ray tried to aim at her but she was too close to Michael and he didn’t quite dare. Maybe in a few seconds because Michael was already fighting through it, his hands were trying to grasp her uselessly as if he really thought he could push her off.

It was Gavin who stepped ahead and for a moment Ray wanted to pull him back because he thought Gavin would shoot. And Gavin wasn't a good shot at the best of times and this one was too dangerous, was too-

Instead Gavin jumped on her back like a monkey and climbed up. Before Pam could do much more than grunt in surprise, he pulled out his knife and plunged it into her throat, once, then twice until she finally reached back to grasp him.

She threw him over her shoulder as if he weighed nothing and with a loud smack Gavin landed on his back.

But she had let go of Michael in a desperate attempt to block the bleeding and once she stumbled backwards Ray shot her in the head.

Her huge form crumpled to the floor and Ray quickly checked behind them in case someone else tried to sneak up on them, but their back was clear.

“You okay?” he called but when he turned around Gavin was already sitting up and rubbed his back with a groan.

“I’m getting too old for this shit.”

“You’re 18.”

“That’s what I said!”

Snorting, Ray turned towards Michael and felt a short stab of concern.

It looked worse than it was, he knew that. Michael was covered in blood from Pam and looked like someone straight out of a horror movie, but he was already reaching up to wipe the worst away.

“Boi!” Gavin cried and crawled the few feet towards him, leaving bloody handprints behind.

Michael blinked and turned towards him but it was clear that he was still dazed.

“What a cunt,” he mumbled.

“Didn’t push your shit in far enough to stuff your mouth,” Ray told him good naturedly as he crouched down next to him. Gavin was already fussing over Michael’s head, checking for any injuries but as far as Ray could tell he was mostly alright.

He touched Gavin’s knee. “You got this?”

Gavin nodded and after squeezing Michael’s shoulder, Ray got up again.

He moved from the relative safety of their shelf and checked around the corner. Most of the dust had settled and now he could see the collapsed shelves on one side, pinning down this Eddie-guy. He was on his back, actually still alive and was grasping the steel beams as if he expected to lift the whole thing up.

Al was also still alive, but her groans were weaker than before, the useless guy still at her side.

Besides them Ray couldn’t see anyone else in the room and still he had to make sure. After all, the sniper had been here, the man who had shot Geoff had been in this very room with him and had run away.

Who said he didn’t come back?

With trained eyes Ray looked around but there was no good sniping spot around so he at least didn’t have to worry about Michael and Gavin.

Ray stepped from behind his cover and moved further into the room. The dust that had just settled got disturbed by each of his steps, waving up to his knees.

It was quiet besides the groans of pain and Gavin’s hushed voice behind him and still he let his eyes travel over each nook and corner to make sure.

Only when he reached Eddie did Ray stop and looked own.

The man was staring up at him, blood on his lips and pinned down for good. His left arm was surely broken by the angle of it and the other was desperately trying to reach the gun that had slithered way too far away for him to ever reach again. It was the gun that had shot at Gavin and Ray crouched down.

The thought made him feel cold but also somehow playful. Maybe like a snake watching a rabbit or some shit like that. He didn't know enough about animals to be sure, had never found them interesting in the first place, but that also didn't matter

He pressed the muzzle of his gun against the other's cheek and sing-songed, "Open up!"

The man stared and as if that wasn't clear enough, he pressed his gun insistently against his lips. It was clear that the other tried to shake him off, to get away but there was nowhere for him to go. Ray watched him for a moment, chin resting on his other fist before he got tired of their game.

"Listen dude, this is the easiest way for you. I can either end this in one shot or I can put some into you that won't quite do the job. We can test how many you can take, don't think I don't have enough bullets for that."

Eddie's eyes widened and Ray figured the guy wasn't very smart but that made it just easier.

"Good boy," he mumbled as the muzzle slipped into his mouth, the frantic breaths of the guy wet against his wrist.

The shot was loud in the silence, making the dust on the ground heavy and red.

Ray got back up and cleaned his gun on his sleeve until there was nothing but steel left. Stepping over the spray on the floor, he moved towards the last two remaining people.

The Spire guy was hunched over Al, pressing down on her wound as he tried to stop the bleeding. It wouldn't help for a long time but he didn't seem to register that. He was in a panic, not even reaching for the gun on the floor as Ray came closer.

Al was still conscious which was good but he still kicked her in the chest to get her full attention.

Spire grasped his leg to shove him away but Ray shook him off and aimed at him. His eyes stayed on the woman though, the woman who had ordered the assassination of Geoff.

Her eyes were a cold gray and all her jewelery didn't save her, but now that he was closer, he could see the resemblance between those two.

"Your brother?" Ray asked as he nodded towards Spire. The guy was begging to leave them alone, to just go, but Ray was pretty sure neither of them listened.

"Cousin," Al brought out. Her lips were colored red and the hand, so heavy with rings, reached up to grasp Spire's wrist.

"Didn't take you for a family person," Ray admitted a little surprised before shooting Spire point blank in the head. So he hadn't fucked one of them to get into the crew, or at least not Al.

His body collapsed on Al, burying her under him in a last attempt to shield her. She still held onto his wrist but started to cry.

Ray couldn't find it in him to feel sorry for them and just crouched in front of her to be closer.

"This is merely a fraction of what you did to me," he explained but not unkindly. He didn't expect her to understand.

"Ramsey took whatever he wanted," she spit out and Ray snorted.

"Of course he did! He always wanted what he couldn't have and then made sure he got it or it was destroyed," Ray couldn't help but laugh, remembering Geoff's little tantrums over the most mundane things. "He was greedy and an asshole and he wanted all of the things even though he didn't deserve them."

Her eyes narrowed in confusion but Ray felt the spark in his chest where Geoff was trapped and couldn't wipe the grin from his face.

"Geoff didn't deserve shit, so he worked hard until he felt he deserved them. Fuck, if I could have I would put the whole goddamn world at his feet."

Geoff would have called him Rayray and ruffled his hair. He hated both of this things.

"He took in children and trained them to kill," she forced out, nearly out of breath, and Ray couldn't help but throw his head back and laugh.

"Oh lady, you got that a bit mixed up! Geoff allowed us to be children in the first place!"

She opened her mouth but couldn't manage any words. Ray didn't really care, he took one look at her and knew she would manage to survive for a while longer, maybe even half an hour. It felt strangely fitting to have her suffer beneath the body of her cousin and so he got up.

He kicked the gun away just in case she tried anything funny but for now he was through with her. Simply shooting her wouldn't give him any satisfaction.

Instead he exchanged his current gun with his rifle and turned towards the backdoor.

Gavin had said the sniper had escaped through there and Ray wondered if he was still there or if he'd run away. That either depended on how devoted he was to the crew or if there was even an exit in the back.

He would have to find out.

Ray opened the door carefully before quietly moved forward.

It was funny, the large hall was nearly a copy of the warehouse Geoff had died in.

The boxes that were more or less neatly stacked, the shelves on the wall.

Back then the warm sunlight hadn't fallen in from above, he could feel it prickle on his bare skin of his neck. There also hadn't been a metal catwalk above or he just didn't remember it being there.

It was perfect for a sniper, and Ray knew the other man had the high ground, but he didn't worry. This Collins guy might be a good shot, but he was still better.

Still his eyes scanned the ground floor first, searching for an exit in case the other had really ran away. He didn't want to waste his time searching through this huge hall just to find nothing.

There really was a fire exit in the back corner and Ray stepped closer. He was pretty sure there was a chain holding it close bu-

"Watch out!"

He froze at the order, following it obediently just like he'd been taught.

The bullet hit the crate next to him instead of his head and he should turn around. He should turn around and look up, make out the shadow on the catwalk above and shoot.

Instead he looked over his shoulder in wonder, feeling anticipation curl in his stomach as he searched for the source of the voice.

"Geoff?" he asked while the silence still rang from the shot.

It had been Geoff, he was sure of it because his body had reacted. His body only reacted to his commands.

Geoff who had hid all this time in a stupid prank, his death a lie because Geoff was a liar by nature.

A sting hit his side with enough force to make him stumble back, but he didn't have time for that. After all he had to check around those crates to find Geoff huddling just out of sight, probably ready to laugh his ass off at Ray's face.

So he raised his gun and barely bothered with aiming. He knew he would hit, he always would, and with a single shot the shadow above crumbled.

It was strange, he shouldn't feel satisfied by that. It was a clean shot, sure, but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted this guy to suffer, to give him a taste of what he had to go through but maybe it was also fine like this.

He felt tired now, exhausted by his own revenge and he closed his eyes.

They were dead, they were all dead, everyone who had dared to hurt the crew.

His rifle clattered to the ground and he took a deep breath.

It smelled like blood and gunpowder, things that were so familiar to him and when he opened his eyes again, he turned towards the door.

"Geoff?" he called again and he tried without succeeding to keep his amusement out of his voice.

What an asshole, playing him for so long.

He would ignore him for like a week once he got his embrace and his nickname and his hair ruffle. Would pretend not to listen to Geoff's tearful apologies and ignore his favorite food Geoff would cook.

But after that week they would get back to normal.

He made it a couple of steps before his knees bucked and sent him sprawling to the floor.

He allowed himself to lay there in the square of sunlight coming from the window before he looked down. His hoodie clung to his side, red with his blood and he snorted.

Of course so close to his old scar that it could as well be the same wound.

"Fuck," he groaned and fought to turn onto his back. He tried to get a better look but then he let it go.

Geoff wasn't waiting behind any of those crates, he knew that. Maybe he had wished for it hard enough that he had fooled himself. Had wished hard enough for Geoff to have his back one last time, that he played pretend.

It had been nice, those few moments in which he had actually believed himself but now he had to grow up and let it go.

He was bleeding kinda heavily, leaving a trail behind in the few steps he'd manage and thinking about it that made things way easier.

He had killed the crew, they had hit quickly and cruelly until nothing was left.

Michael would burn this whole thing to the ground and then there would be nothing left besides the knowledge that it had been them.

It was good like that and so Ray took a careful breath and looked up to the ceiling.

The sunlight was better than the artificial light from back then, it felt warm while his middle grew colder.

It had something peaceful to it, and for a while he actually enjoyed it, just laying here without any revenge in his mind, but he had never been a fan of peaceful.

Sure enough it didn't take long until there was a loud crash behind and he craned his neck until he saw how the door hit the wall.

He smiled at Michael and Gavin and then they were already with him, crowding around him.

That was better, way better than peaceful because Michael was cursing up a storm, was calling him names and Ray laughed.

It ended in a painful cry as Michael pressed down against his wound and Ray reached down to slap him away. That wasn't part of the plan, okay? He just wanted Michael close and nothing more!

His hands got caught on the way down and he knew it was Gavin. Gavin who sat by his head, holding tightly to both of his hands as he ran his mouth.

Ray didn't listen, just looked up to him and found tears in his eyes.

Oh.

Right.

The lad night, he had promised. One more time until they would part again.

He felt a little guilty but all in all it was probably better like this. After all it was hard to say no to either Gavin or Michael and he still wasn't sure if they'd let him go.

Yeah, like this it wa-

There was a third person now and Ray's eyes drifted to them. He couldn't quite make them out because they were standing above him and in the sunlight they were barely more than a shadow. Neither of the other two seemed to notice them and Ray took a breath to warn them before he exhaled it unused.

Sure, this person was dangerous, he could feel it, but they weren't hostile against them.

At first he nearly believed that it was Geoff revealing his big prank but no, Ray might feel a connection to them but not the love he felt for Geoff. No, this person was very similar to him, was nearly the same as him.

They had also lost and done everything in their might to get it back.

A hand on his cheek forced him to look back down, look at Gavin who was calling to him.

Gavin was crying now, big tears were nestling in the corner of his eyes and on the other side Michael was pale. He pushed down harder and the edge of Ray's vision blurred for a moment.

It was good to have the others close but he still had to figure out who this person was. For now he just knew that they brought the strings because they appeared next, connecting with his joints.

Ah, of course. He wondered if he'd even jerk in this condition when he hesitated.

The strings were glowing as colorful as always besides one. One he had never noticed before and maybe only did now because Gavin was holding his hand so tight.

There was a single purple string around his pinky of all things. It had a neat little bow, tightly bound so that it wouldn't slip off and branching off into two different directions.

He couldn't concentrate enough to follow them, it would be hard at the best of times simply because he was wrapped in such a web, had been since he'd been born and he could never escape.

So instead he let his head roll until he saw that person again, and they were also tightly bound by strings but maybe they had accepted them where Ray hadn't.

This time Gavin followed his gaze, wanted to check what he was looking at and something like fear struck through Ray.

Because this person didn't look at him anymore, they looked at Gavin who was crying and begging and couldn't see them and no- No, Gavin and Michael were  _ his!  _ Gavin and Michael were  _his_ brothers, not theirs, and he squeezed Gavin's hand back, tried to call for Michael so that they would look at him, so that they didn't forget him and- and- an-

 

He woke up in bed.

It was warm and comfortable, the blanket pulled up to his chin and he instantly nuzzled into the pillow.

"Come on, Rayray," Geoff protested, but it sounded kind. He always sounded kind and warm and Ray hid his smile beneath the blanket. "You can't stay in bed all day."

And even though he said that, Ray felt the bed dip and quickly scooted aside to let Geoff lay down as well. Sure enough, two arms wrapped around his middle as a warm body pressed against his back.

He let his eyes drop shut again and ignored Geoff's words as well, sighing in comfort.

The peace didn't last long, just like he liked it, because Geoff's finger started to tickle his belly and he squealed. He kicked his feet as if that would do anything to throw the other off but it made Geoff chuckle in his ear and that was a nice sound.

He allowed Ray to squirm out of his grasp and Ray sat up.

The bed was too small for Geoff and he had his legs tucked in to fit while it was still too big for Ray. The room was a bit spare, only decorated by a few toys and some of the trinkets he kept carefully in his shelf. There was a rocketship on his bedside table along with his gun.

It was the room of his childhood, the room in the old base he hadn't seen in years, but in this moment it was his home.

There was the table he never used, the chair that wouldn't allow his feet to quite reach the floor and there was Geoff.

Geoff who laid in the too small bed, looking up to him with a smirk, and Ray grinned back. He knew his own hair was wild because it always was and he couldn't wait for Geoff to ruffle it even though he would never admit that.

So instead he pounced at Geoff and laughed at the loud  _uff_ as his little weight hit the grown man. He tried to wrestle him from his bed and Geoff acted like he nearly did it before he wrapped his arms around him again and pulled him close.

Sure enough his hand moved up and tousled his hair until it stood every which way.

"Did you sleep well?" Geoff asked and Ray had to think about that for a while.

"I had a dream," he figured and Geoff perked up.

"Oh? Did you dream of me?"

Ray shook his head. "I dreamed that I was playing a game with Michael and Gavin but you weren't around."

"So you didn't want to play with me?"

"I think I wanted to."

Geoff hummed thoughtfully and his hand moved down to rub his back. That was good because Ray was pretty sure he had missed him badly.

"What were you playing?" Geoff asked after a while, and Ray frowned.

"We were playing grown ups. I didn't like it."

"You know you can play something else then."

"I guess," Ray mumbled and nuzzled against Geoff's chest. Yeah, playing something else was probably good. He usually had a lot of fun playing with Michael and Gavin, most when they played superheros or house, even though he didn't like it when he had to play the baby because he was the youngest.

Geoff's hand brushed against his chin and it was calloused but warm as he urged him to look up at him.

"You know, you can dream some more and play something different, Rayray,” he told him and his face was so familiar, was his home.

"You said we can't stay in bed all day," Ray reminded him but Geoff just shrugged.

"But that was before I knew how comfy this bed was! Now I also want to stay here all the time."

Ray watched him, checked for the sign that he was lying, that he would wake him again once he started to drift off, but Geoff's eyes were blue and kind.

He bent down to press a kiss right on top of Ray's nose and Ray let it tingle for a few moments before he made a big show of wiping it away. Geoff chuckled but his voice was honest when he said, "I am serious, Rayray. If you want to sleep a bit longer to play with your brothers that's fine."

"You sure?"

"Of course."

He was pulled in relentlessly until his face was buried in Geoff's chest. He searched with his legs until they tangled them, his hands coming up to crasp Geoff's crisp white shirt.

"But please play something else," Geoff murmured into his hair. "Something that doesn't make you so sad."

"Will you be in my dream this time?" Ray asked hopefully and somehow Geoff's arms tightened even more around him.

"I'll be right here and I won't go away, okay?"

"So you'll be here when I wake up again?"

"Of course. I'll always be here to steal your nose, right?"

Ray chuckled and Geoff did so as well before sighing, "But I'll wait as long as it takes, okay Rayray? So you can sleep and play as long as you want."

"I can? Won't you get bored?"

"No way! You have no idea how cute it is to watch you sleep!"

Ray rolled his eyes and craned his neck to look up to him. "That sounds really creepy, old man!"

"Oh shut up!" Geoff protested and put on a fake pout.

This time Ray couldn't stop his brightest smile as he wrapped his arms around Geoff and he didn't even hesitate as he asked the question he had feared for years.

"You're my dad, right?"

"Of course!" came the answer just as quick, nearly offended that Ray even asked in the first place.

Ray grinned even brighter.

"And you know I love you!"

"Sure do." Geoff shrugged as if that was obvious. He didn't make a big fuss of it like Ray always feared and he also didn't burst into tears which was kinda lame, but when he looked closer, he could tell that Geoff was trying hard to stop himself. Maybe that was why he crushed Ray against his chest again, so he didn't see the tears in his eyes.

"I love you too," Geoff told him and Ray closed his eyes. "I love you with all of my heart, Rayray."

"That sounds like a lot."

"Don't worry. It's plenty."

Ray chuckled but it sounded tired. He was drifting off again and it was hard not to. Geoff was so tightly wrapped around him and he wouldn't let go, not for a second. His breath was ruffling his hair and right beneath his cheek he could hear his heartbeat slow and steady.

It was like his own lullaby and he nuzzled closer, taking a last deep breath before slipping back into his dream.

 

Someone was right beside him, tightly wrapped around him and for a moment he was sure that it was Geoff again. It made his heart hurt when he remembered that Geoff wasn't here but it didn't leave him as empty as before.

It was Gavin who had his lanky arms wrapped around his shoulders and it was nearly comfortable if there wasn't a second voice raising now.

"Are you kidding me?"

Ray's eyes opened and of course it was Michael. Michael who sat next to him, his face red in anger and Ray just blinked at him.

He hadn't even noticed it but he was sitting up. Gavin had him propped up by how tightly he was holding him, crying quietly into his shoulder, and confused, Ray reached up to touch his golden hair.

"What..?" he mumbled but then Michael slapped his leg hard enough to make him jump.

"Are you kidding me?" Michael asked him again, anger and tears battling in his eyes and Ray just stared at him.

It wasn't until Michael pulled his ruined hoodie up and revealed a shallow cut where the bullet had barely missed him.

"I thought-" Michel's anger broke and it made his breath hitch. Ray watched as he bit his lip and shook his head before turning towards him.

In that moment Ray could see it in his eyes, saw how he hadn't just thought that the wound was worse, how he had  _known_ just like Ray had, like they all had. Because Ray could still see the trail of blood he had left on his way over here, could still feel the tingling pain in his side and it hadn't been a scratch.

The bullet had hit him.

Michael wiped his face with bloody hands and they were partly bloody because of Ray, because he had bled heavily but somehow there were petals now in Michael's lap that didn't belong there.

Fragile and red, rounded nicely, and when Michael surged forward to wrap his arm around him as well, they floated gently towards the ground.

"Fuck you," Michael whispered into his ear, and now Ray felt his own tears well up. He buried his head between the both of them and held on tight, didn't dare let go.

"Can we play something else now?" he asked carefully and both of them nodded.

They also hadn't liked his game.

 

They got out of the warehouse and Gavin helped him over to the stairs they had sat on this morning. They both watched for a while as Michael placed the last explosives around the warehouse and then as the whole thing was engulfed in flames on the press of a button. Neither of them cheered this time, they just watched the fire eat away on this place as the smoke joined the other columns over the city.

Michael joined them on the stairs and leaned his back against Ray's legs again, just like before. Gavin sat by his side and worried a little over his scratch but no matter how often he checked on it, it still remained a scratch that had mostly stopped bleeding.

There were red petals stuck in Ray's hoodie somehow and even though Gavin picked them up, he didn't comment on them. He just took a close look but didn't dare crush them. Instead he held them in his palm until the next wind took them out onto the water.

Ray watched them and knew they wouldn't talk about this, knew they just accepted this somehow, and when Gavin leaned his head against his shoulder, he nuzzled against his hair.

There had been a dream, and even though it was already muddy and far away, there was a strange peace inside of him. A peace he hadn't known for so long, since a time where he had been truly safe and believed he and Geoff ruled this city.

It felt nice, nestled right beneath his heart like a little flame.

Maybe it was because they were dead, all of them who had hurt him and his family, but he didn't think that was the reason. It was part of it for sure, but not the biggest part.

Somehow he felt closer to Geoff now, closer to his whole family, and that felt nice.

He closed his eyes and let the sun shine down on him.

 

How long they sat there with blood on them and smoke in their hair, he didn't know, but none of them seemed ready to move. They would have probably sat there until it got too cold, which would be way into the night, but there were steps drawing closer that disturbed them.

Ray allowed his eyes to open but now the sun stood higher and he had to blink against the sudden brightness.

"Told you we just had to follow the explosions."

Michael stood at once, and now Ray could also make out the two figures coming towards them.

"Jack!" Michael cried out and nearly fell over his own two feet in his hurry to run towards his guardian. "Jack! Dad! Ja-" They met in a crushing embrace and Jack held so tight that he lifted Michael from his feet to spin him around a little.

"Pumpkin," Jack muttered, just loud enough for them to hear and Ray smiled a little. He hadn't heard that in a while.

Next to him Gavin had grown tense, his fingers curled into tight fists as he tried everything to hide behind Ray while still somehow trying jump up and run as well.

Ray agreed that Ryan looked intimidating with the sun at his back, all dressed in his Vagabond set up as he walked towards them.

But when he reached up to pull his mask off, he felt Gavin relax and in the next second Gavin was on his feet and ran with his arms outstretched.

"Rye," he called, nearly swallowing the word in his excitement . "Up, Rye!"

As if the other had a choice by the way that Gavin jumped up at him, but he still caught him around his waist.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"I'm fine! I promise, I'm fine!"

Slowly, Ray got to his feet as well and walked towards them. He felt a little self conscious if only because he hadn't seen the other two in a while but he couldn't help but smile because his brothers looked so happy.

Michael was sobbing into Jack's shoulder because he was a big sap inside all the while Jack tried to clean him up as good as possible.

Gavin had his limbs so tightly wrapped around Ryan as if he wanted to make sure they could never separate, but Ryan didn't seem annoyed by it. Actually he caught Ryan pressing a kiss to Gavin's hair.

When Ray stopped right in front of them, he played a bit nervously with the strings of his hoodie, not wanting to intrude but also needing to know where he stood with those two. If they were angry at him for endangering the other lads, if they blamed him for running away or even that he hadn't looked after Geoff enough.

But then Jack looked up and his eyes were as kind as always and the worry fell from Ray.

"Hey," he mumbled and was surprised how much his voice shook but Jack just smiled.

"Hey Ray," he said and reached his hand out. "It's good to see you again."

"Yeah." He took a step closer and was pulled in.

It was a bit too much because Jack was warm and soft and held so tight but he wasn't Geoff. For now he allowed himself to soak up all that love but he knew that later when they settled wherever that would be, it would remind him of other times.

But right now it was just right to be squished together with Michael as Jack embraced them both.

When Jack let him go, Ray took a step back so that Jack could look him over and make sure he was alright. It was lovely because Michael did the same, always taking care of him, and Ray felt new tears in his eyes while he smiled.

"I'm fine now," he promised and rubbed at his eyes.

"You got all of them?" It was Ryan who asked now and Ray turned towards him.

"Every single one," he promised, and something proud crossed Ryan's face. It warmed Ray's inside and he came closer. Sure enough, Ryan reached down to ruffle his hair.

"Did you find what you were searching for?"

He had to think about that for a moment but mostly because he wasn't quite sure what he had been searching for. Revenge? Well, he surely had gotten that.

His brothers had also returned to him and the city surely still feared his name.

He had searched for Geoff and he still wasn't by his side but maybe he was. There was this blurry dream, the flame right beneath his heart and maybe that was enough.

"I think I did," he admitted and Ryan nodded.

"Good boy."

It made him grin and he stepped closer to briefly wrap his arms around him. Gavin's sharp knee dug into his side from where he was still hanging from Ryan's neck but he laughed and Ray did the same. Ryan even reached down to squeeze his shoulder and Ray took one last breath before stepping back.

He felt a bit awkward now, back to playing with the strings of his hoodie and looking at his worn down sneakers. They were falling apart, caked in dirt and blood and other nasty things, but it was better than looking up.

He wasn't sure if the others were all staring at him or if they were occupied with each other.

He didn't know what would be worse right now, if he was the center of attention or the intruder and so he focused on his shoes instead because that was easier.

"Can I stay?" he asked and felt how his heart pounded. "Please? I want to go home now, I don't want to go back."

He didn't care where home was anymore because the place he had called so was gone, but not the people. Not all of them.

He glanced up and found them staring. It made him shy away a little but he pushed on.

"We still... we still gotta do that Lad night and after that... after..." He trailed off, not quite knowing what was after, that only that there was an after in the first place, and he smiled unsurely.

"Can I stay?" he asked, and then Gavin was there, nearly taking him straight from his feet as he threw his arms around him. Michael was there to steady him even though he held him even tighter than Gavin, and Ray tried to hide his own face somewhere because he was crying again.

"Of course you can stay," Jack said, and there was a heavy hand on top of his head.

"Let's get you home."

  
  


The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that our journey is over.  
> This was a ton of fun (and this story had like 5 different endings, whoops. If you're interested in them, lemme know)  
> I hope you guys liked it because I most certainly did! 
> 
> Infos about my next story 'Skulls' can be found here:  
> https://www.patreon.com/posts/new-story-skulls-8693277  
> It should go online by the end of this month but I'll try to get it out sooner!!

**Author's Note:**

> Find out how you can support me writing my stories:  
> http://kahnah23.tumblr.com/post/140765552875/patreon

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [letters to the dead](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11409828) by [Hella_Queer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hella_Queer/pseuds/Hella_Queer)




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